Narnialove
New member
This is some writings I have somewhere or come off the top of my head.I hope to become a good writer and I would really appreciate some comments and advice would be great!Hope you enjoy! 
Some stories and writings!
- Thread starter Narnialove
- Start date
Narnialove
New member
This is one is the Arcane Society I just made up.
These are just little bunches of it and there not definite
"Shh Moe your going to get us caught" I whispered.
"No I won't"she hissed.Moe is my best friend and she likes to be called Moe because of a movie.I'm Luc Sikrit actually Lucy but I prefer Luc.We were outside a unfamiliar building in the middle of nowhere and way beyond our city limits.We are from Teverne and go to Longview Boarding School which is a few miles away I think.
We thought they were going out to party so we followed them hoping to catch them but it seems there's something more sinister.Our teachers and headmaster won't be pleased were supposed to be in bed by 10:00 pm but we sneaked out and made sure to stuff our bed.
The worst thing is that were going to late for school and going to be in a heap of trouble with our parents when the school find's out were missing.We followed a bunch of girls that go to our boarding school and they left so of course we followed.
We took the bus and a taxi.We were right underneath the window and I peeked in.There was a women that looked to be in her mid thirties and two men who appeared to be in their early forties.
I looked at Moe and saw her fumbling with her camera."did you make sure the flash is off?'I asked."of course I did"she said as she adjusted the lenses.She took a couple of photos and then they began talking.I turned on my tape recorder and I picked up on the conversation.
"Do you have the goods?hmm...not the best but will have to do.You must get more by next Friday.You hear?"the women asked.
"We heard" The girls said then laughter.
I looked again and saw the 'goods'.They looked toward the window and I ducked.
"I think the 'goods' are stolen"I said softly.
"same"she answered.
We got up to leave when Moe accidentally knocked over the garbage cans.They came out and grinned.The men took us roughly by the shoulders and thrown us onto the floor.
"Well ,well,what do we have here?"she asked.
"you have two girls held captive by a deranged woman,two gorillas and a bunch of girly-poos."I answered.She glared and said
"what were you doing here?"She asked.
"out for a walk"I answered.
"Sure but what about these?"she said as she showed us the pictures and my tape recorder.
"give those back"I said.
"nope your going to old mans valley"she said as she barked orders to the gorillas.They nodded and tied us up.Then we were put into the vehicle and were driven off.They dumped us and left.
"great were so dead"Moe moaned.
"no were not"I said as I got out my pocket knife they failed to confiscate.
"where did you get that?"she asked.
"oh I swiped it off one of the gorillas"I answered as I cut the rope.When I was free I untied her and she began walking off.
"where are you going?"I asked.
"I'm going to walk home and we should be home by tomorrow..hopefully"she said uneasily.
"were staying and defeating them"I said bravely.
"Oh sure how are two 13 year olds going to defeat a criminal gang?"she asked.
"we'll figure out something"I said as I began pacing.She sighed and sat.Then we heard a voice say from the darkness"get off my land".
"we were just leaving"Moe squeaked.
"I don't think you own this land"I said.
"I sure do"the voice answered.I motioned over to her and she crept beside me until we were near the person.She burst out laughing and said"you don't own this land".
"I do"it answered.
"oh really,your just a boy"I answered as I touched his shoulder.He jumped and turned toward us.
"I'm not a boy I'm 14."he said glumly.
"who are you?"I asked.
He puffed up his chest and said"I'm Johnny Fly and I live here".
"nice to meet you"Moe said.
"Now why are you here?"he asked.
We glanced at each other and decided to trust him.We recounted our story and he listened.When we were finished we looked at him waiting for a response.He said after a moment"I'll help you get this gang".
"what!we didn't ask you for help".I said.He ignored my comment and said
"we'll need some help so follow me".Moe shrugged and followed.I sighed wondering what I was getting myself into.I followed them and after half an hour of walking I began to feel uneasily.We finally stopped and he knocked in a sequence.
The door opened and we went inside.There was a guy around Johnny's age and he was carving.He looked up and his eyes were twinkling.
"who are they?"the guy asked.
"There the one's that will help us get the people who kidnapped my parents and killed yours."Johnny said as he slammed his hand against the table.
so how is is?
These are just little bunches of it and there not definite
"Shh Moe your going to get us caught" I whispered.
"No I won't"she hissed.Moe is my best friend and she likes to be called Moe because of a movie.I'm Luc Sikrit actually Lucy but I prefer Luc.We were outside a unfamiliar building in the middle of nowhere and way beyond our city limits.We are from Teverne and go to Longview Boarding School which is a few miles away I think.
We thought they were going out to party so we followed them hoping to catch them but it seems there's something more sinister.Our teachers and headmaster won't be pleased were supposed to be in bed by 10:00 pm but we sneaked out and made sure to stuff our bed.
The worst thing is that were going to late for school and going to be in a heap of trouble with our parents when the school find's out were missing.We followed a bunch of girls that go to our boarding school and they left so of course we followed.
We took the bus and a taxi.We were right underneath the window and I peeked in.There was a women that looked to be in her mid thirties and two men who appeared to be in their early forties.
I looked at Moe and saw her fumbling with her camera."did you make sure the flash is off?'I asked."of course I did"she said as she adjusted the lenses.She took a couple of photos and then they began talking.I turned on my tape recorder and I picked up on the conversation.
"Do you have the goods?hmm...not the best but will have to do.You must get more by next Friday.You hear?"the women asked.
"We heard" The girls said then laughter.
I looked again and saw the 'goods'.They looked toward the window and I ducked.
"I think the 'goods' are stolen"I said softly.
"same"she answered.
We got up to leave when Moe accidentally knocked over the garbage cans.They came out and grinned.The men took us roughly by the shoulders and thrown us onto the floor.
"Well ,well,what do we have here?"she asked.
"you have two girls held captive by a deranged woman,two gorillas and a bunch of girly-poos."I answered.She glared and said
"what were you doing here?"She asked.
"out for a walk"I answered.
"Sure but what about these?"she said as she showed us the pictures and my tape recorder.
"give those back"I said.
"nope your going to old mans valley"she said as she barked orders to the gorillas.They nodded and tied us up.Then we were put into the vehicle and were driven off.They dumped us and left.
"great were so dead"Moe moaned.
"no were not"I said as I got out my pocket knife they failed to confiscate.
"where did you get that?"she asked.
"oh I swiped it off one of the gorillas"I answered as I cut the rope.When I was free I untied her and she began walking off.
"where are you going?"I asked.
"I'm going to walk home and we should be home by tomorrow..hopefully"she said uneasily.
"were staying and defeating them"I said bravely.
"Oh sure how are two 13 year olds going to defeat a criminal gang?"she asked.
"we'll figure out something"I said as I began pacing.She sighed and sat.Then we heard a voice say from the darkness"get off my land".
"we were just leaving"Moe squeaked.
"I don't think you own this land"I said.
"I sure do"the voice answered.I motioned over to her and she crept beside me until we were near the person.She burst out laughing and said"you don't own this land".
"I do"it answered.
"oh really,your just a boy"I answered as I touched his shoulder.He jumped and turned toward us.
"I'm not a boy I'm 14."he said glumly.
"who are you?"I asked.
He puffed up his chest and said"I'm Johnny Fly and I live here".
"nice to meet you"Moe said.
"Now why are you here?"he asked.
We glanced at each other and decided to trust him.We recounted our story and he listened.When we were finished we looked at him waiting for a response.He said after a moment"I'll help you get this gang".
"what!we didn't ask you for help".I said.He ignored my comment and said
"we'll need some help so follow me".Moe shrugged and followed.I sighed wondering what I was getting myself into.I followed them and after half an hour of walking I began to feel uneasily.We finally stopped and he knocked in a sequence.
The door opened and we went inside.There was a guy around Johnny's age and he was carving.He looked up and his eyes were twinkling.
"who are they?"the guy asked.
"There the one's that will help us get the people who kidnapped my parents and killed yours."Johnny said as he slammed his hand against the table.
so how is is?
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Copperfox
Well-known member
Narnialove, you have probably heard someone give the "standard" advice to writers: "Make it shorter, shorter, shorter!" But this advice is often wrong. In your case, you should ADD a bit more to this opening chapter; fill in a few gaps, help the reader to understand the characters and situation more. For instance, tell more about the boarding school. You refer to students "going to" this boarding school, which sounds as if they have to go some distance to classes, and yet a boarding school is a school that you LIVE AT. Making your narrative clearer is better than making it shorter.
AAAAAND... like many new forum authors (so don't feel you are being singled out), you need to SEPARATE THE TEXT INTO PARAGRAPHS. What you have posted should be divided into four or five paragraphs. All you need to do is use the Enter key on a keyboard to create the vertical separations. You can even do an edit after the fact on the existing text. This is part of clarifying, because paragraph separation is part of organizing the thoughts of the story.
AAAAAND... like many new forum authors (so don't feel you are being singled out), you need to SEPARATE THE TEXT INTO PARAGRAPHS. What you have posted should be divided into four or five paragraphs. All you need to do is use the Enter key on a keyboard to create the vertical separations. You can even do an edit after the fact on the existing text. This is part of clarifying, because paragraph separation is part of organizing the thoughts of the story.
Mozart the Meerkitten
Well-known member
Okay, here's what I think: 1. I'll say that your story is quite intriguing, 2. I agree with everything Copperfox said, and 3. One suggestion: Please put the speaking parts of the characters on different lines. Otherwise one is constantly getting the characters mixed up and its much harder to read.
Oh and 4. Please post more so that we can see what happens!
Oh and 4. Please post more so that we can see what happens!
Narnialove
New member
Thanks for the advice!
here's a bit more.
"Wait a moment...so your telling me that they are kidnappers and killers?"I said as we sat around the fire.
"they might not be the exact people who killed and kidnapped our parents but I believe that there part of a larger gang."he said.
I jumped up and said"they might not be the exact people?We could get ourselves in alot of hot water if your suspicions are wrong but what if there right?"I began to pace and the guys looked at me curiously.
"Oh she always does that when she's thinking and so your not 100% sure?"Moe questioned.
"Well maybe not 100%..."Johnny said then began to trail off.I was pacing back and forth and stopped.They looked at me and I said"What if they find us and..."
"what?"Moe asked.
"murder us?"I finished.
"That's hogwash"The other guy said.
"hogwash?you shouldn't even be part of this"I said facing him.
"What If they are the ones that killed my parents and kidnapped his?Then I want to part of it
No matter the risk."He said.
I sighed wondering how dumb a person can get but he's got guts.
"Who are you anyway?"Moe asked.
"I'm Pallaton Zain which means fighter and handsome "he said with a smile.
"seems to me it means vain"I muttered.Moe snickered and he shot us a look.
"I'm a son of a wealthy family "he said with pride.
"If your a son of a wealthy family why didn't you stay and let the police handle it?"I asked.
"sure like they could help so I decided to find them but they told me they were...gone"he said.
"poor you"Moe said.
"Then I joined up with Johnny and we decided to find those fiends"he said.
"So you've been living in this pigsty for who knows and you've caused people to be worried sick then!"I exclaimed.
The Moe grabbed my arm and was pulling me toward the door.
"See ya were are in a pickle already so no thank you for the adventure but good luck to yours."she said as she opened the door.
I shook her off and said"were already in trouble we might as well help them and you know that we can't let them get away with it."I said knowing she would agree.
"your probably right and hey who knows we might end up on the news."she said with a small smile.
We headed back and he knocked on the door we heard whispers and the shuffling of feet.
The door opened and Pallaton stood staring at us and said"so you decided to stay?"
"we might as well were going to end up in a burning cauldron of hot water but hello adventure and good-bye dull lives."I said with a laugh.We came in and Johnny stood up."I knew that you would come back I could tell that Luc wasn't so keen on the idea."he said as he grabbed some blankets."So what's the plan?"I asked realizing that I haven't slept at all and was getting tired.Moe grabbed some blankets and handed some to me."Thanks"I said as I embraced the warmth.
"We'll be going to.."that's all I heard until I conked out.
The next morning I woke up and wondered why I was in a hut with Moe when everything about yesterday night came back to me.I took off the blankets and saw that the place was worse than a pigsty in the light.I sighed and tied my brown hair into a pony tail and began to clean.I finished it by the time they woke up.
"Where are we?"Moe asked sleepily and came to the full realization and said"so it wasn't a dream then?"
"If it is ,it's weird were having the same one"I answered sneezing at the dust.
"you cleaned up all of this yourself?"she asked.
"yeah at least it's in better condition now so we don't have to worry about sleeping on any dirt"I said.
"you don't want to leave?we can go and be normal again not in this mixed up adventure and seriously were just adding more hot water to the cauldron as each hour ticks by with no sigh of us."She said hoping I would agree.
I looked at her and said"'I'm going to stay here and have an adventure that I'll tell my future grand kids about but you can go on ahead if you would like"
She looked at the door and said"fine but if there's anything that's going to get us killed or something we'll leave immediately."
"fine"I said as the others woke up.
"good morning"Johnny said as he yawned.
Pallaton looked at us and went right back to sleep.I padded softly over to him and said"Rise and shine".He mumbled something but he turned over and continued to sleep.Moe joined me and said"oh well I guess you don't get to come with us."
"Your going to not be able to join us and have breakfast"I said then I gave up on talking and decided to shake him.He woke up and said"hey what's the big idea?'
I walked off and said"time to eat sleeping beauty".
Johnny came back with some logs for a fire."Pallaton you make the fire and I'll pack up".
Then the boys widened their eyes and said"how is it so clean?"
Moe smiled and said"she did but back to packing up...were leaving?"
Johnny was hauling stuff back and forth but he said"yeah we'll try following them".
"sure but how can we follow them without a car?"Moe asked.
"simple we do have a car".he said.
"where did you get it from?"I asked suspiciously.
"oh someone left it out for us."he said as he finished packing.
"you stole?"I asked.
"it's borrowing and we'll give it back sooner or later"he said.
Pallaton finally lit the fire and did a victory dance.
"sorry to ruin your fun but were leaving."I said as his face fell.
He sighed but extinguished the fire.We went out the secret back door I hadn't noticed.
There was an old blue convertible and Johnny was standing beside the vehicle with the keys in his hands. Pallaton grabbed the keys and got into the drivers seat.Johnny sat beside him and said "are you guys coming or not?"
"Why is he driving? he's only 14!'"I said.
"about to turn 15 and I learned to by my dad when he was alive."he said clearly getting tense."Are you sure this is a good idea?"Moe asked staring at the car as if it was a monster that would kill her even if she just touched it.I don't think she should be worried about the
car it's Pallaton she should be worried about.
"I told you they would be too scared"Pallaton said.
I glared at him and said"were in".
"we are?"she asked as I pulled her in.
He grabbed some shades and said"buckle up and hold on it might get bumpy."
I held onto the door and Moe did the same but she was on the verge of panic now.
Then when nothing happened I released my hold but then before I could say a word we sped off.I looked back and knew that we weren't going back home for awhile.Tears started to fall but I quickly wiped them off before anyone could see and turned back to the front.
how is it?
here's a bit more.
"Wait a moment...so your telling me that they are kidnappers and killers?"I said as we sat around the fire.
"they might not be the exact people who killed and kidnapped our parents but I believe that there part of a larger gang."he said.
I jumped up and said"they might not be the exact people?We could get ourselves in alot of hot water if your suspicions are wrong but what if there right?"I began to pace and the guys looked at me curiously.
"Oh she always does that when she's thinking and so your not 100% sure?"Moe questioned.
"Well maybe not 100%..."Johnny said then began to trail off.I was pacing back and forth and stopped.They looked at me and I said"What if they find us and..."
"what?"Moe asked.
"murder us?"I finished.
"That's hogwash"The other guy said.
"hogwash?you shouldn't even be part of this"I said facing him.
"What If they are the ones that killed my parents and kidnapped his?Then I want to part of it
No matter the risk."He said.
I sighed wondering how dumb a person can get but he's got guts.
"Who are you anyway?"Moe asked.
"I'm Pallaton Zain which means fighter and handsome "he said with a smile.
"seems to me it means vain"I muttered.Moe snickered and he shot us a look.
"I'm a son of a wealthy family "he said with pride.
"If your a son of a wealthy family why didn't you stay and let the police handle it?"I asked.
"sure like they could help so I decided to find them but they told me they were...gone"he said.
"poor you"Moe said.
"Then I joined up with Johnny and we decided to find those fiends"he said.
"So you've been living in this pigsty for who knows and you've caused people to be worried sick then!"I exclaimed.
The Moe grabbed my arm and was pulling me toward the door.
"See ya were are in a pickle already so no thank you for the adventure but good luck to yours."she said as she opened the door.
I shook her off and said"were already in trouble we might as well help them and you know that we can't let them get away with it."I said knowing she would agree.
"your probably right and hey who knows we might end up on the news."she said with a small smile.
We headed back and he knocked on the door we heard whispers and the shuffling of feet.
The door opened and Pallaton stood staring at us and said"so you decided to stay?"
"we might as well were going to end up in a burning cauldron of hot water but hello adventure and good-bye dull lives."I said with a laugh.We came in and Johnny stood up."I knew that you would come back I could tell that Luc wasn't so keen on the idea."he said as he grabbed some blankets."So what's the plan?"I asked realizing that I haven't slept at all and was getting tired.Moe grabbed some blankets and handed some to me."Thanks"I said as I embraced the warmth.
"We'll be going to.."that's all I heard until I conked out.
The next morning I woke up and wondered why I was in a hut with Moe when everything about yesterday night came back to me.I took off the blankets and saw that the place was worse than a pigsty in the light.I sighed and tied my brown hair into a pony tail and began to clean.I finished it by the time they woke up.
"Where are we?"Moe asked sleepily and came to the full realization and said"so it wasn't a dream then?"
"If it is ,it's weird were having the same one"I answered sneezing at the dust.
"you cleaned up all of this yourself?"she asked.
"yeah at least it's in better condition now so we don't have to worry about sleeping on any dirt"I said.
"you don't want to leave?we can go and be normal again not in this mixed up adventure and seriously were just adding more hot water to the cauldron as each hour ticks by with no sigh of us."She said hoping I would agree.
I looked at her and said"'I'm going to stay here and have an adventure that I'll tell my future grand kids about but you can go on ahead if you would like"
She looked at the door and said"fine but if there's anything that's going to get us killed or something we'll leave immediately."
"fine"I said as the others woke up.
"good morning"Johnny said as he yawned.
Pallaton looked at us and went right back to sleep.I padded softly over to him and said"Rise and shine".He mumbled something but he turned over and continued to sleep.Moe joined me and said"oh well I guess you don't get to come with us."
"Your going to not be able to join us and have breakfast"I said then I gave up on talking and decided to shake him.He woke up and said"hey what's the big idea?'
I walked off and said"time to eat sleeping beauty".
Johnny came back with some logs for a fire."Pallaton you make the fire and I'll pack up".
Then the boys widened their eyes and said"how is it so clean?"
Moe smiled and said"she did but back to packing up...were leaving?"
Johnny was hauling stuff back and forth but he said"yeah we'll try following them".
"sure but how can we follow them without a car?"Moe asked.
"simple we do have a car".he said.
"where did you get it from?"I asked suspiciously.
"oh someone left it out for us."he said as he finished packing.
"you stole?"I asked.
"it's borrowing and we'll give it back sooner or later"he said.
Pallaton finally lit the fire and did a victory dance.
"sorry to ruin your fun but were leaving."I said as his face fell.
He sighed but extinguished the fire.We went out the secret back door I hadn't noticed.
There was an old blue convertible and Johnny was standing beside the vehicle with the keys in his hands. Pallaton grabbed the keys and got into the drivers seat.Johnny sat beside him and said "are you guys coming or not?"
"Why is he driving? he's only 14!'"I said.
"about to turn 15 and I learned to by my dad when he was alive."he said clearly getting tense."Are you sure this is a good idea?"Moe asked staring at the car as if it was a monster that would kill her even if she just touched it.I don't think she should be worried about the
car it's Pallaton she should be worried about.
"I told you they would be too scared"Pallaton said.
I glared at him and said"were in".
"we are?"she asked as I pulled her in.
He grabbed some shades and said"buckle up and hold on it might get bumpy."
I held onto the door and Moe did the same but she was on the verge of panic now.
Then when nothing happened I released my hold but then before I could say a word we sped off.I looked back and knew that we weren't going back home for awhile.Tears started to fall but I quickly wiped them off before anyone could see and turned back to the front.
how is it?
Last edited:
Narnialove
New member
here's some more
"when are we going to get there?"Moe asked clearly irritated and I supposed it was because that we can only stop when we need gas or washroom breaks.We have been on the road for hours and everyone was irritated and at each others throat.
"soon and who let them come?"Pallaton asked to no one in particular.
"ours and you know what your a pain"I said to him angrily.
"and your a freak".he said as he turned around,lowered his sunglasses and glared.I shot one back at him and Johnny said without turning around
"Stop fighting there's more important matters at stake."
He turned around and I sulked.Soon we stopped and I couldn't wait to get away from the car.I saw Pallaton get some gas and Johnny was getting the provisions.I decided to ditch and hitch a ride back. I walked a bit away from them and put my thumb up.There was no car in sight so I sighed and sat down on a rock.
Moe joined me a few minutes later and said "whats the matter?"
I looked at her and said "now I'm the one wanting to go home".
"Is it because Pallaton is bugging you?"she asked.
"no not really but he's a bit crazy don't you think?"I said.
I heard rustling in the bushes and I walked toward it and saw the guys.
"eavesdroppers"I said.
Moe nodded and I slapped Johnny lightly and Pallaton hard.
"hey what did you do that for?"he asked as he rubbed his arm.
"you deserve it"I answered.
"I'm not crazy and if anyone is it's you"he said.
I walked off and decided my chances was better if I hitched.
They followed and I said "I'm taking my chances and good luck".
"Luc you might get killed by some weird pervert or you might get lost "Moe said matter a factually.
She had a good point but I argued " yes but at least I won't get killed in a car crash because of an under aged driver."
Pallaton grimaced but I smiled and decided to continue.Johnny shook his head as a warning for me to stop but I ignored him.
"And we might never find them to avenge your parents."
He turned red and I knew I stepped over a line.
He glowered and said "you know how it feels to not have parents because yours was either kidnapped or killed?"
I was shocked and softly said "how do you know?"
then I felt tears in my eyes.
"that's why you have to go to that dumb boarding school instead of the old
public school you used to go to and adored".He continued.
"are you a stalker?"I asked as I stepped back.
He smiled at my uneasiness and said " you used to have old friends and you were quite popular there too and the guy you've been crushing on liked you too".
I paused and smiled at the thought then he said something that made it disappear.
"but he's over you and liking your old best friend".
I stared at him and said "you had to add that didn't you?and as I was saying before how do you know?'
"I saw you when you were in school and it was fun seeing you giggle and work with those girly girls "he said.
"but that means you were spying on me!"I exclaimed.
"anyway I only saw you because you were near by my old place".he finished.
"so no wonder why I felt like I was being stalked".I said
"are you in or out?"he asked.
I thought about it and decided to continue in the adventure.
"for our parents " I said as I started walking to the car.
They followed and Johnny put the provisions in the car.Moe went in to the back and Johnny sat in the back as I headed toward the car.
"you can take my seat I don't want his fury"he said .
I knew that wasn't the real reason and Moe smiled.She clearly likes him,I thought.
"thanks alot"I muttered as I got into the front.Pallaton was headed toward us when he looked at Johnny and was puzzled but got in.I moved as far away from him as I can and he started the car.We went off and Johnny was talking with Moe .I smiled and I thought that they looked cute together.
Apparently Pallaton thought so too because he was staring at them as well.Then the car began to go into the next lane and was about to hit a truck !
"Pallaton keep your hands on the wheel"I screamed as he swerved the car back to our lane.
"what happened?" they asked.
I stared at them in disbelief.
Then I said "Pallaton almost killed us!I told you my chances were better if I hitched."
"I didn't mean to and what's your problem?'Pallaton asked.
"We almost got killed back there and that doesn't concern you?"I asked.
"I knew that we weren't going to die"He said.
"maybe you knew that but we didn't know that"I said.
Then we heard the sound of sirens,
"Maybe it's just an ambulance?"Pallaton said hopefully.
I turned around and saw a police car.
"no it's the police you better pull over."I said.
"no we aren't were going to out drive them ".he said as he increased the speed.
It was good for awhile but then one of the tires got flat.
"shoot"he muttered as he pulled over.
Then a police officer came up to us.
"why hello there kids can I please see your drivers license please?"
"uh..."Pallaton turned to us worried.
"he forgot it at home"I lied.
"oh he has left it at home then may I see some ID?'
"um..."he looked at me but I had no ideas.
"he lost it last week he was planning on replacing it but he never had an opportune time"Moe piped up.
"hmm you lost both?"he mused as his partner came up.
"boss,this boy is the dead millionaire's kid and these girls are from that fancy boarding school! hey... wait a minute! The other guy is the greatest inventor in the world!"the partner said.
We groaned and the 'boss' smiled.
"Time to go home kiddies."he said
We got out and went into the back of the van.
"I told you my chances were better if I hitched."I said to Pallaton.
"when are we going to get there?"Moe asked clearly irritated and I supposed it was because that we can only stop when we need gas or washroom breaks.We have been on the road for hours and everyone was irritated and at each others throat.
"soon and who let them come?"Pallaton asked to no one in particular.
"ours and you know what your a pain"I said to him angrily.
"and your a freak".he said as he turned around,lowered his sunglasses and glared.I shot one back at him and Johnny said without turning around
"Stop fighting there's more important matters at stake."
He turned around and I sulked.Soon we stopped and I couldn't wait to get away from the car.I saw Pallaton get some gas and Johnny was getting the provisions.I decided to ditch and hitch a ride back. I walked a bit away from them and put my thumb up.There was no car in sight so I sighed and sat down on a rock.
Moe joined me a few minutes later and said "whats the matter?"
I looked at her and said "now I'm the one wanting to go home".
"Is it because Pallaton is bugging you?"she asked.
"no not really but he's a bit crazy don't you think?"I said.
I heard rustling in the bushes and I walked toward it and saw the guys.
"eavesdroppers"I said.
Moe nodded and I slapped Johnny lightly and Pallaton hard.
"hey what did you do that for?"he asked as he rubbed his arm.
"you deserve it"I answered.
"I'm not crazy and if anyone is it's you"he said.
I walked off and decided my chances was better if I hitched.
They followed and I said "I'm taking my chances and good luck".
"Luc you might get killed by some weird pervert or you might get lost "Moe said matter a factually.
She had a good point but I argued " yes but at least I won't get killed in a car crash because of an under aged driver."
Pallaton grimaced but I smiled and decided to continue.Johnny shook his head as a warning for me to stop but I ignored him.
"And we might never find them to avenge your parents."
He turned red and I knew I stepped over a line.
He glowered and said "you know how it feels to not have parents because yours was either kidnapped or killed?"
I was shocked and softly said "how do you know?"
then I felt tears in my eyes.
"that's why you have to go to that dumb boarding school instead of the old
public school you used to go to and adored".He continued.
"are you a stalker?"I asked as I stepped back.
He smiled at my uneasiness and said " you used to have old friends and you were quite popular there too and the guy you've been crushing on liked you too".
I paused and smiled at the thought then he said something that made it disappear.
"but he's over you and liking your old best friend".
I stared at him and said "you had to add that didn't you?and as I was saying before how do you know?'
"I saw you when you were in school and it was fun seeing you giggle and work with those girly girls "he said.
"but that means you were spying on me!"I exclaimed.
"anyway I only saw you because you were near by my old place".he finished.
"so no wonder why I felt like I was being stalked".I said
"are you in or out?"he asked.
I thought about it and decided to continue in the adventure.
"for our parents " I said as I started walking to the car.
They followed and Johnny put the provisions in the car.Moe went in to the back and Johnny sat in the back as I headed toward the car.
"you can take my seat I don't want his fury"he said .
I knew that wasn't the real reason and Moe smiled.She clearly likes him,I thought.
"thanks alot"I muttered as I got into the front.Pallaton was headed toward us when he looked at Johnny and was puzzled but got in.I moved as far away from him as I can and he started the car.We went off and Johnny was talking with Moe .I smiled and I thought that they looked cute together.
Apparently Pallaton thought so too because he was staring at them as well.Then the car began to go into the next lane and was about to hit a truck !
"Pallaton keep your hands on the wheel"I screamed as he swerved the car back to our lane.
"what happened?" they asked.
I stared at them in disbelief.
Then I said "Pallaton almost killed us!I told you my chances were better if I hitched."
"I didn't mean to and what's your problem?'Pallaton asked.
"We almost got killed back there and that doesn't concern you?"I asked.
"I knew that we weren't going to die"He said.
"maybe you knew that but we didn't know that"I said.
Then we heard the sound of sirens,
"Maybe it's just an ambulance?"Pallaton said hopefully.
I turned around and saw a police car.
"no it's the police you better pull over."I said.
"no we aren't were going to out drive them ".he said as he increased the speed.
It was good for awhile but then one of the tires got flat.
"shoot"he muttered as he pulled over.
Then a police officer came up to us.
"why hello there kids can I please see your drivers license please?"
"uh..."Pallaton turned to us worried.
"he forgot it at home"I lied.
"oh he has left it at home then may I see some ID?'
"um..."he looked at me but I had no ideas.
"he lost it last week he was planning on replacing it but he never had an opportune time"Moe piped up.
"hmm you lost both?"he mused as his partner came up.
"boss,this boy is the dead millionaire's kid and these girls are from that fancy boarding school! hey... wait a minute! The other guy is the greatest inventor in the world!"the partner said.
We groaned and the 'boss' smiled.
"Time to go home kiddies."he said
We got out and went into the back of the van.
"I told you my chances were better if I hitched."I said to Pallaton.
Narnialove
New member
hmm...yeah I rush alot I didn't check
thanks for the advice!
thanks for the advice!
Mozart the Meerkitten
Well-known member
If you have Word on your computer you could write your stories in there- it has a spell/grammar check that USUALLY helps alot for that sort of thing. If you just type them up on here though I know that at least some browsers have spell-check built into them (Google chrome is one).
Copperfox
Well-known member
Paragraph separation also helps the writer. With it, you can see your own text in a more defined way--focussed, you might say--in order to spot any mistakes.
> > Impromptu poll being taken of "Alipang Havens" readers:
http://www.narniafans.com/forum/showthread.php?p=2068055&posted=1#post2068055
http://www.narniafans.com/forum/showthread.php?p=2068055&posted=1#post2068055
Narnialove
New member
OK thanks for the advice
now I'll add some more of Arcane
"We should be at school having lunch instead of being in the back of a police cruiser"Moe said angrily.
We were in the back of a police cruiser on our way to jail I think.We passed trees,farms and buildings as we headed back.The trees seemed to wave good bye to us as if there saying goodbye to our adventure as well.We were cramped and squished beyond relief and I wished those officers would just leave us alone and go back to pigging out.
"No use complaining Moe we'll be in here for awhile".I said unhappily.
"look at the bright side" Johnny said.
"what bright side?"Pallaton asked.
I had to agree with him there was no bright side to this situation.I closed my eyes and then when I opened them we were parked at a gas station.I rubbed my eyes and then the doors opened.
"kids you can go to the rest room but you better be back"he warned.
"yes officer"we said can't believing how dumb he could get.
We left while glancing behind us from time to time but he was going to gas up.I was relieved that we had some freedom then we went around the building and planned.
"I'll distract Mr.Pig and his little partner while Johnny tries to get the Van in motion.Then Moe will go 'borrow' some snacks and Luc you will go um..."he said thinking.
"what?you can't even think of a job for me?"I asked.
"fine then you'll help me,happy now?"He asked.
"not really but fine."I said as we all went to do our given tasks.
"good afternoon officers your pants are falling down'Pallaton said cheerily.
"what?where are the others?"the cop asked peering behind us.
"oh they may be having alone time but officer why are you so sad?"I asked trying to deceive him.
"Oh um...uh"the cop stuttered.
"hmm that's why poor you"I said as I saw Moe in the corner of my eye she was heading out with an armful of snacks.I smiles and she gave me a thumbs up.
"yes very unfortunate but I have to get the others we will be on our way in a few minutes"he said.
I smiled while I tried not to gag and Pallaton was trying not to laugh.
"yes I guess you must but can't we treat you out to McDonald's?'
I heard the van come to life then we ran off.
'what?..hey you kids come back here!"he said as he tried running after us.
Moe came up and got in as she dumped the snacks and gave me a hand.I grabbed it and hoisted myself up.Then Pallaton climbed in and we waved as they disappeared from view.
We celebrated and there was high fives all around but there was more to come I knew somewhere in the back of my mind.I pushed it back as we continued on our adventure .
now I'll add some more of Arcane
"We should be at school having lunch instead of being in the back of a police cruiser"Moe said angrily.
We were in the back of a police cruiser on our way to jail I think.We passed trees,farms and buildings as we headed back.The trees seemed to wave good bye to us as if there saying goodbye to our adventure as well.We were cramped and squished beyond relief and I wished those officers would just leave us alone and go back to pigging out.
"No use complaining Moe we'll be in here for awhile".I said unhappily.
"look at the bright side" Johnny said.
"what bright side?"Pallaton asked.
I had to agree with him there was no bright side to this situation.I closed my eyes and then when I opened them we were parked at a gas station.I rubbed my eyes and then the doors opened.
"kids you can go to the rest room but you better be back"he warned.
"yes officer"we said can't believing how dumb he could get.
We left while glancing behind us from time to time but he was going to gas up.I was relieved that we had some freedom then we went around the building and planned.
"I'll distract Mr.Pig and his little partner while Johnny tries to get the Van in motion.Then Moe will go 'borrow' some snacks and Luc you will go um..."he said thinking.
"what?you can't even think of a job for me?"I asked.
"fine then you'll help me,happy now?"He asked.
"not really but fine."I said as we all went to do our given tasks.
"good afternoon officers your pants are falling down'Pallaton said cheerily.
"what?where are the others?"the cop asked peering behind us.
"oh they may be having alone time but officer why are you so sad?"I asked trying to deceive him.
"Oh um...uh"the cop stuttered.
"hmm that's why poor you"I said as I saw Moe in the corner of my eye she was heading out with an armful of snacks.I smiles and she gave me a thumbs up.
"yes very unfortunate but I have to get the others we will be on our way in a few minutes"he said.
I smiled while I tried not to gag and Pallaton was trying not to laugh.
"yes I guess you must but can't we treat you out to McDonald's?'
I heard the van come to life then we ran off.
'what?..hey you kids come back here!"he said as he tried running after us.
Moe came up and got in as she dumped the snacks and gave me a hand.I grabbed it and hoisted myself up.Then Pallaton climbed in and we waved as they disappeared from view.
We celebrated and there was high fives all around but there was more to come I knew somewhere in the back of my mind.I pushed it back as we continued on our adventure .
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Mozart the Meerkitten
Well-known member
Waaaaaaaaaaaait; we jumped from a highway to a jail in like 2 seconds? How is that possible? And how does a guy with a file get them free in like, seconds? That doesn't work according to books I've read (unless the bars are made of like paper or something). And maybe you could describe more things? Like the jail? And how do they manage to change four tires on a car before the cops figure out where they went? Nobody's that stupid and jails aren't that big. And if they're in two different cells then how'd they get the girls out?
*cough* Um, so mebbe that was a little extreme but honestly you gotta think this stuff through and have it make more sense. Its part of being a good writer. Don't get me wrong- its a good story and it has the potential to be better if you work at it but driving your readers nuts because of all the things that happen that make NO SENSE doesn't exactly help things.
Or maybe I'm just being overly nit-picky. lol I mean I am the girl who tries to make her DAYDREAMS make sense in some weird way. But still.... Be creative; it can be really fun to figure out ways for people to do stuff sometimes. I'm not trying to be mean either, so sorry if I come across that way.
*cough* Um, so mebbe that was a little extreme but honestly you gotta think this stuff through and have it make more sense. Its part of being a good writer. Don't get me wrong- its a good story and it has the potential to be better if you work at it but driving your readers nuts because of all the things that happen that make NO SENSE doesn't exactly help things.
Or maybe I'm just being overly nit-picky. lol I mean I am the girl who tries to make her DAYDREAMS make sense in some weird way. But still.... Be creative; it can be really fun to figure out ways for people to do stuff sometimes. I'm not trying to be mean either, so sorry if I come across that way.
Waaaaaaaaaaaait; we jumped from a highway to a jail in like 2 seconds? How is that possible? And how does a guy with a file get them free in like, seconds? That doesn't work according to books I've read (unless the bars are made of like paper or something). And maybe you could describe more things? Like the jail? And how do they manage to change four tires on a car before the cops figure out where they went? Nobody's that stupid and jails aren't that big. And if they're in two different cells then how'd they get the girls out?
*cough* Um, so mebbe that was a little extreme but honestly you gotta think this stuff through and have it make more sense. Its part of being a good writer. Don't get me wrong- its a good story and it has the potential to be better if you work at it but driving your readers nuts because of all the things that happen that make NO SENSE doesn't exactly help things.
Or maybe I'm just being overly nit-picky. lol I mean I am the girl who tries to make her DAYDREAMS make sense in some weird way. But still.... Be creative; it can be really fun to figure out ways for people to do stuff sometimes. I'm not trying to be mean either, so sorry if I come across that way.
I was also asking the exact same things.
Also, you have to add descriptive paragraphs, not all has to be dialogue. Otherwise people will talking to death the readers will never know what things look like.
You're story is your story and you can make it like that, but if you want people to read, like mozy said, it has to make sense. In this day and age, no one finds a file INSIDE a jail cell. That just doesn't happen. Files are usually smuggled in and they don't really work on bars either (except in cartoon shows like Bugs Bunny or something
). But like I said, you're story is your and make it whatever you want. But remember that you're also risking no one reading it.
Narnialove
New member
I know it sounds lame but that was all I thought of at the time.
I check it but it seems like I slip things through.
Mozart your not being mean your just doing what Copperfox said your just coaching me.I appreciate all the advice and keep it coming.
I check it but it seems like I slip things through.
Mozart your not being mean your just doing what Copperfox said your just coaching me.I appreciate all the advice and keep it coming.
Narnialove
New member
I'll remember that and here's some more
"According to my calculations we should be at the nearest town in an hour” Johnny said as he looked at the map.
"oh sure you said that an hour ago, just face it were lost"I said.
We were on the high way driving aimlessly we were lost.The van was uncomfortable and I could strangle somebody.The view was practically perfect with blue skies,white fluffy clouds,mountains and the occasional plant here and there a perfect day for a picnic or a drive.We couldn't stop unless it was necessary Johnny was cautious and Pallaton was stingy he wanted to get their as fast as he can with no delays.Moe was dozing in the back all curled up worried about the next challenge we'll face.
I looked at her smiled and turned my attention back to the guys.They were arguing and It's going to come to blows soon by the way this fight is heading to.
"we should've turned back their "Johnny said angrily.
"No we'll get their faster if we go this way"Pallaton said and he was gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles turned white.
"you shouldn't be driving"Johnny said,
"you shouldn't be in charge of the map."he said with an edge in his voice.
"fine then!'Johnny said as he ripped up the map.
"JOHNNY!that was our only way to get there!"I said as I tried to grab the pieces and out them back together again.
"John how are we going to get their now?how could you be so stupid?"Pallaton asked.
Johnny turned red and he said"stupid?come on then fight!".
Pallaton stopped the car and said"lets fight then!".
They got out and they started circling each other with their hands in fists.They were slowly advancing toward each other and then Pallaton punched Johnny.
Seconds later they were on the ground fighting.I got out and I decided to leave them there.I woke up Moe and she climbed into the passenger seat dazed.I started the van and the others looked up and were stunned.I smiled waved and took off.They chased us and they managed to go in front of the van and I stopped.They got up and opened the door as I took out the keys. Pallaton grinned, held out his hand I grumbled but I gave him the keys.I got out and sat in the back.They got in and Pallaton turned toward me.
"you can't out smart Pallaton I'm too awesome"He said as he turned back to the front.
I sat back and we began to move again but when we barely started to move the car began to smoke and it stopped.We were silent for a moment then Pallaton got out and opened the hood.He coughed as he waved the smoke away and looked at it.We got out and said "we will have to stay here for the night we might get a tow truck by tomorrow."
"According to my calculations we should be at the nearest town in an hour” Johnny said as he looked at the map.
"oh sure you said that an hour ago, just face it were lost"I said.
We were on the high way driving aimlessly we were lost.The van was uncomfortable and I could strangle somebody.The view was practically perfect with blue skies,white fluffy clouds,mountains and the occasional plant here and there a perfect day for a picnic or a drive.We couldn't stop unless it was necessary Johnny was cautious and Pallaton was stingy he wanted to get their as fast as he can with no delays.Moe was dozing in the back all curled up worried about the next challenge we'll face.
I looked at her smiled and turned my attention back to the guys.They were arguing and It's going to come to blows soon by the way this fight is heading to.
"we should've turned back their "Johnny said angrily.
"No we'll get their faster if we go this way"Pallaton said and he was gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles turned white.
"you shouldn't be driving"Johnny said,
"you shouldn't be in charge of the map."he said with an edge in his voice.
"fine then!'Johnny said as he ripped up the map.
"JOHNNY!that was our only way to get there!"I said as I tried to grab the pieces and out them back together again.
"John how are we going to get their now?how could you be so stupid?"Pallaton asked.
Johnny turned red and he said"stupid?come on then fight!".
Pallaton stopped the car and said"lets fight then!".
They got out and they started circling each other with their hands in fists.They were slowly advancing toward each other and then Pallaton punched Johnny.
Seconds later they were on the ground fighting.I got out and I decided to leave them there.I woke up Moe and she climbed into the passenger seat dazed.I started the van and the others looked up and were stunned.I smiled waved and took off.They chased us and they managed to go in front of the van and I stopped.They got up and opened the door as I took out the keys. Pallaton grinned, held out his hand I grumbled but I gave him the keys.I got out and sat in the back.They got in and Pallaton turned toward me.
"you can't out smart Pallaton I'm too awesome"He said as he turned back to the front.
I sat back and we began to move again but when we barely started to move the car began to smoke and it stopped.We were silent for a moment then Pallaton got out and opened the hood.He coughed as he waved the smoke away and looked at it.We got out and said "we will have to stay here for the night we might get a tow truck by tomorrow."
Copperfox
Well-known member
Where you describe them driving onward in a hurry --
The van was uncomfortable and I could strangle somebody. The view was practically perfect with blue skies, white fluffy clouds, mountains and the occasional plant here and there a perfect day for a picnic or a drive. We couldn't stop unless it was necessary Johnny was cautious and Pallaton was stingy he wanted to get their as fast as he can with no delays.
-- you should make it a little clearer that it is frustrating to the girl not to be able to stop and make use of those nice conditions.
Farther along, when the girl starts to drive away and the boys get in front of the vehicle, you need to explain HOW they get ahead of it. Are they superheroes who can run faster than a car, or is there a bend in the road and they ran straight across it while the girl was making the curve, or what?
The van was uncomfortable and I could strangle somebody. The view was practically perfect with blue skies, white fluffy clouds, mountains and the occasional plant here and there a perfect day for a picnic or a drive. We couldn't stop unless it was necessary Johnny was cautious and Pallaton was stingy he wanted to get their as fast as he can with no delays.
-- you should make it a little clearer that it is frustrating to the girl not to be able to stop and make use of those nice conditions.
Farther along, when the girl starts to drive away and the boys get in front of the vehicle, you need to explain HOW they get ahead of it. Are they superheroes who can run faster than a car, or is there a bend in the road and they ran straight across it while the girl was making the curve, or what?