Peanut-free environments are damaging to the self-esteem of peanuts and have been reported to cause mass peanut suicide. Accounts are anecdotal, as a formal study has not yet been done; but there is cause for concern.
Another difficulty that peanuts face is in regards to water fountains. They often visit museums where there are only two fountains--one for children, and another for adults. That peanuts have so much salt placed on them makes them extremely thirsty legumes. With the present fountain situation, peanuts must either suffer dehydration or attempt to climb up to the fountain, Indiana Jones-style, to lick whatever droplets of water remain (they are too small to reach the stream of water if they are, at the same time, manipulating the lever). This causes many peanuts to become diseased. Others have drowned in water fountains when an absent-minded human turned on the water without noticing the small peanut licking droplets near the fountain's drain. It could be fairly said that every water fountain is a peanut mass grave.
Southern peanuts suffer most. Often boiled alive and sold at roadside stands, they are constantly on the lookout for peanut lovers. "You can tell by the look in their eyes," says one peanut, who would only give a nickname, Goober, for fear of reprisals. "It's this white blank look--and it says, 'Eat him, eat him'! I get nightmares about it pretty often, but it's just part of life down here. You go to the store, you might end up dead."
Many peanuts suffer from anti-American feelings. Professor Archis Hypogaea explains: "It all begins with George Washington Carver. Great guy, except that he thought he could help humanity by grinding peanuts to powder, mixing their remains with other stuff, and then putting them in a jar. It's something like what humans do with cremated loved ones--put their ashes in a jar. Except they don't mix the ashes with salt and vegetable oil first. Anyway, this new idea caught on, and soon, everybody was talking about Mom, apple pie, and peanut butter whenever the subject of America came up."
He shakes his head. "Needless to say, peanuts can't be very patriotic when patriotism necessarily involves them being ground to powder and spread on a sandwich. That's what the liberals really mean when they say that American patriotism is grotesque. When your concept of country is centered around mass peanut genocide--well, what else could you call it?"