Some stories and writings!

I know I haven't written in awhile but here it is.
It's called Stuck in a dream



When I was out on a midnight night walking past the sand dunes with the cutie at my side who with his blonde hair that curls onto his forehead and oh those blue eyes . We stopped at the foot of the ocean as the waves lapped at our feet. I leaned in ,when a horrifying realization came to me when I opened my eyes to see me with my lips
sticking out and my best friend looking at me curiously. I sighed and drew back my lips as she laughed.
"Morie what is going on with me" I asked tired.
"maybe your too much in love with your fantasy man?’ she asked. I sighed again as I looked back at when I was in grade 5 whispering about this guy I had imagined and looked* so handsome.I*grabbed my books from my locker and walked with my friend down the
corridor.
“He was so handsome and we were about to …”I said as I started to day dream again.
‘snap out of it Edaline this guy is not real and you know it” she said as she shook my arm.
“I know but he is like perfect” I said as she shook her head.
“but you will never get married for you still have your sights on this fantasy man and no one will meet to your standards.” she said in exasperation.
“but…’I protested. Then she cut me off.
“no buts and what about Lionel he’s like the hottest guy in the school and he seem to be interested” she said as we passed by a bunch of boys.
“he isn’t him though is he?’ I asked.
‘Edaline you are going to lose it one of these days if you keep it up like this” she said wagging her finger at me. I tried to change the subject by laughing and talking about the next game. She gladly began to talk and I continued to dream.

“Edaline how many times did I tell you to not to leave the door open?” my mom yelled from the kitchen.
“a lot’ I asked. I heard her sigh from the kitchen and I hung up my coat. I went upstairs to my room which was in a little sort of tower. There was a revolving walk in closet and lots of clothes everywhere and my flute was in the corner where I left it the before he took over my thoughts. I leaped into my bed and dreamed over my dream guy who I just couldn’t name because it seemed like sacrilege. The phone rang and I answered.
“hello?” I asked.
“hey this is Lionel” I rolled my eyes as he talked some more.
“hey”
“I just want to ask if you would like to go out with me?” He asked. My heart skipped a beat and I asked myself if I should when Morie’s voice echoed in my brain.
“sure” I said.
“great, how about Friday at 7:00?”He asked.
“sure”
“bye” I hung up and called Morie



“OMG you are going to go out with Lionel the hottest guy in the school and you don’t even like him?” she said trying to be angry but I could totally tell she was excited for me.
“yeah I know” I said as we walked to English.
“this is so great but watch out for Aniline who will be all over you since she set her eyes on her she is enraptured with him.” she advised me. Then right on cue Aniline showed up with her group. She was a Chinese with long jet black hair and eyes that curved upwards. The sad thing was that she was a jerk.
“hello Edaline I heard your going to go out with my boyfriend.”
“He’s not your boyfriend ”Morie spoke up.
“Shut up Morie and know your place even though when we were younger and you were my friend and in my group it doesn’t give you any reason to disrespect your betters“, She said with a cruel grin. Morie was hurt and looked at her feet.
“you better watch your step Edaline Morich for you will be wishing you were never born.” she hissed as she walked past. I stared after them as they walked away. I knew that I should be glad since I got the hottest guy in love with me but I just wanted the man of my dreams.

“How many Edalines does it take to change a light bulb’ Miren asked me. I shook my head as I took a bite of my sandwich.
“none because you don’t know how to” he said teasing me.
“ha ha very funny” I said as I gave him a playful shove.
“He is quite the comedian and it’s the truth though face it you know you cant change it” she said with laughter in her voice. I smiled at her and continued eating my sandwich when Aniline stood up from the popular table and everyone became silent. She faced me and said in a loud voice.
“Edaline is a no good back stabbing jerk face” she said with a smug grin
“what a creep” Morie asked. I couldn’t answer her because I was so furious for being ridiculed for going out with a guy who was so not her boyfriend. They were now on a new level a very low level .I stood up bravely with fire in my eyes and said loudly for all to her
“Aniline Chong you have crossed the line with this foolish talk of me being a backstabber when you don’t have any morals to speak of.” I paused and gazed at the girl who was too shocked to speak and continued.” You have told countless tales and secrets of your friends to others and laughed about them like Courtney Dawson who you told about the boogie incident” Everybody laughed about that and Courtney glared at Aniline. I stood waiting for her to make another accusation when she turned around and swiftly left with her few followers in tow. I breathed a sigh of relief and sat down again as everything continued on as if nothing happened.


“hmm Morie do you like the pink or the light pale blue?” I asked as I held up the dresses against me trying to decide.
“The blue looks lovely actually but pink has some quality as well…”
“Morie please help me choose I need of your services” I said exasperated.
“Then the blue one it is” she said. The blue one was a shirt that was long and was a
V necked, and showed a picture of a cloud with the words of don’t let the clouds bother you. I find that the blue was actually quite cute. I left an hour later with my arm tucked under his as we head into the restaurant .I took a seat and we chatted on light subjects for awhile until we ordered and had our dinner.
‘so what are you doing in your free time?’ he asked pleasantly.
“oh nothing much” I said. This date was actually boring and I glanced a lot at my watch a lot. We were going home when a car showed up in front of us. He tried to stop the car we went around in circles. I soon fell against the window and went into unconsciousness.
 
Okay so I think I've said this before in this thread but I will say it again now: You need to add more detail and STOP RAPIDLY SKIPPING FROM SCENE TO SCENE. We just went from this girl's school, to a store (I think?), to her being on a date? What the? How did she even get to the date? Why did she need the shirt? Did she drive to the resturant or did somebody take her? And are Morie and Miren the same person? Were they at lunch then when this girl started throwing insults at her? How old are these kids? Why the heck is the girl unconcious in the last scene? Did the boyfriend knock her out? Did she get in the wrong car and is now kidnapped? You need to answer these questions IN THE STORY for this to make ANY sense.

I'm going to try to help you a little here and show you what I mean by using your story:

“Hmm, Morie do you like the pink or the light pale blue?”
We were at a store after school. Morie was helping me pick out my outfit for my date that evening, or she was trying to anyway…

“The blue looks lovely actually but pink has some quality as well…”
“Morie! Come on please help me choose, I need your help! This is important!” I said exasperated.
“Well… I think you should take the blue one. It matches your eyes better.” she said. The blue shirt was long and had a V neck, and showed a picture of a cloud with the words of “Don’t let the clouds bother you” on it. When I tried it on I found blue is actually quite a cute color for me.

I headed back to my house to get ready. An hour later Lionel showed up at my house to take me to the restaurant. We walked in with my arm tucked under his and headed to our table. I took a seat and we chatted on light subjects for awhile until we ordered and had our dinner before us.
“So what are you doing in your free time?” he asked pleasantly.
“Oh nothing much” I said. This date was actually boring and I glanced a lot at my watch a lot.
When we were finally going home a car suddenly drove out in front of us (editor Mewsie’s note: when you are driving cars do not just "show up" in front of you. Just sayin’ ;)). Lionel tried to stop the car but we hit and our car started spinning around in circles. Then I fell unconscious and remembered no more.





Note: Really I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to help. People have done this sort of thing to me too when I was younger and first came to the forum. I found that if you take the crazy people on here's advice often your writing improves alot quicker than it would have otherwise.;)
 
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I haven't been writing in awhile because I was busy and I couldn't take the advice and critique.So I'll try again and bear it.
Hope it passes inspection.No definite title and It's supposed to be set during the Victorian era and I believe that there are more than a few errors with the time and etc.

Nancy looked out her but window everything is dull as a sack of hammers. The ladies with their sweeping skirts and their hair all piled into fancy buns. The gentlemen walking by in stiff suits as they tipped their hat at everybody. The free children running around in the street having a jolly good time. My Father left a year ago to seek riches , and Sally (her ex mother who she vowed that she would never call mother again),ran away with the school teacher of Syne Lores where the past is stuck there. When word of the scandal spread ,life was never the same for me. The women fanned themselves as they gossiped about the story and peered at me over them and gave disapproving glances. Finally I was taken away to my nearest blood relatives so I was packed up and put on the carriage which arrived the very next day. When she descended she went up to the door tentively
rapped the door with the handle. The door was opened and a young lady stood in front of her with her hair in a
fancy bun with curls drooping, a green dress that looked very sophisticated. Then there was her brooch which was in a shape of a swan that looked very gold like, and very expensive with jewels. The girl regarded her coldly as she led the way up the stairs. The inside was beautiful with paintings and of the rich furniture that filled this house. She believed that the girl she saw was her cousin, cousin Helene who she heard was very popular and was very social. She apparently has a boyfriend named Horace Washburd which is actually a very horrible name. Then she ascended the stairs and when she walked into the room she felt like she was having a taste of heaven. Her old home wasn’t very handsome because they weren’t very rich or other stuff like that. The wallpaper was light blue with navy blue stripes, two drawers by each side of the bed which was covered with a blue quilt. Then there was a couple of paintings; one had a vase of flowers on a window sill and another was a summer day in a park. There was a desk by the window with a candle and there was a closet across the bed with a square in the ceiling which she believed was an attic. She tried to take it all in but then the driver came in with her luggage. After he delivered it he wiped his brow with a dirty handkerchief. He left and then cousin Helene spoke.
“Supper will be served soon so freshen up and unpacked then join us in the dining room.” She could hear her footsteps receding as she unpacked and looked out her window. She caught the eye of a boy who had straight black hair and he winked as she stared transfixed at this boy who winked at strangers.
“Want to play ball? he called as he caught the ball.
She was about to reply when a woman yelled for me to come down.
“Sorry I can’t ,thank you but I have to go to dinner, maybe some other time perhaps?“ she called back.
“Sure then I’ll see you at school” he said as he raced after his friends. She pondered that as she walked down the stairs.

“Why hello there, I’m Aunt Elvira your Father’s sister, and this her is your grandpa, grandpa George” the woman said as she dried her hands on a towel. She had brown greying hair that was in a tight bun, a brown dress that was faded and her eyes were hard blue , and had calloused skin. The old man beside her was big with a white beard, black twinkling eyes and he was balding. He smiled as he motioned me over. I walked towards him as he enveloped me in a hug and placed me on his lap.
“How are you child?’ He asked.
“I’m Nancy not child’ she answered. Aunt Elvira looked over at her with a shocked look as she returned to her cutting of the carrots.
“Why tis true! Well now tell me about yourself Nancy”
‘Well..” she said thinking it over” I’m fourteen, I love to read and write and traveling”
“Why thank goodness you got that trait from our side of the family, we have lots of famous writers in our family as well as travelers.” he said proudly.
“Really?” Nancy asked as she looked up at him with her hazel eyes and had the same everything.. He was startled when he saw her like that. She reminded him of her daughter who died a few years ago from a sickness. She was only 22 and he was heartbroken since after the incident. He looked away as she drew back. 1
‘Why don’t you get something to eat?” He asked rather brusquely as she slid down his leg.
“Now here’s your supper” said Aunt Elvira as she directed Nancy to her seat.
Nancy thought that she never seen such a meal in her life. There was fresh bread, soup, roast pig, plum pudding and hot tea. My mouth began to water but I closed my mouth and took my seat.
“Bye mother, I’m going to the theatre with Martha and Sarah Elizabeth in Westville “said Cousin Helene as she rushed through the hall.
“Now stop there Helene, you haven’t been properly introduced to Nancy, Nancy this is Cousin Helene and Helene this is your cousin, cousin Nancy.” Aunt Elvira said with a smile.
“How do you do? Well mother I have to go for the girls are outside and waiting”
She said as she put on her puppy dog look which was supposed to look very irresistible to any one. Aunt Elvira sighed and said
“Fine but be home by 11:30,I don’t approve of girls staying out late at night, and make sure to be proper, mind your manners and always be cordial to everybody you meet.”
“Oh yes mother, I will and don’t worry, ta ta for now’ she said as she rushed over and gave her a hug and a kiss. Then she rushed out as she blew her a kiss and slammed the door behind her.
“That’s Cousin Helene?” asked Nancy as Aunt Elvira portioned out the food onto her plate .Hungrily, she ate all of her food and was tempted to lick the plate, but that would be improper. Soon she felt sleepy and her eyes felt very heavy. She walked up the stairs and slipped into her white nightie. Then she got into bed as somebody knocked.
“come in” she called.
The door opened to reveal Aunt Elvira who came in and sat on the edge of her bed.
‘Do you enjoy living here?“ she asked as she looked around the room. She sighed remembering her darling sister who was so full of life and brought joy to others. She remembered her, just dreaming by her desk with a pen in her hand. This used to be her room and Grandpa didn’t want to give it up until she convinced him.
“Yes, It’s very nice here and I hope that I’m not a bother on anyone.” Nancy said as she looked up at Aunt Elvira who looked away. How could she look so much like Dorothy? It felt like it was only yesterday when her sister Dorothy was lying down in bed, her face was red and covered in sweat. Father was pacing the hallway ,only looking in once in awhile .I sat by her bedside holding onto her smooth hand which clenched mine. Mother was sitting by the fire, she was knitting and glancing once in awhile at her and look away as she wiped away tears away, Then there’s Harrison who outside smoking on his pipe and looking up for news. Sally rushed in holding onto Nancy was just a baby and gave her to me to look after. I gazed into the babies eyes which was the same as Dorothy. The baby cooed and lifted her little hands out. She saw a shadow of a man at the doorway. She smiled and gestured for him to come in. He was Sally’s Husband and he just shook his head, voting to go out with Harrison. Then Dorothy looked up, seeing Nancy she held her hands out to hold her. Giving Nancy to her, Dorothy lifted her self and gazed fondly at the little creature. She thought over what she would be missing ,the kids she could have had, the memories she could have created, Blinking back tears she held Nancy close to her and seemed to be praying over her. She leaned back down and started to cough. The doctor and nurse were around but knew she was going to die. All of the family gathered together.
“Good by.. everyone, I love you very much and take good care of Nancy, Love you all…….”was all she said before she closed her eyes and smiled. Coming back to present time, Aunt Elvira wiped away the tears and smiled softly
“Your not a bother my dear, you remind me of your aunt“.
“my aunt? I don’t know of any others..” Nancy said as she evaluated this.
“You used to my dear and goodnight, don’t forget to say your prayers. ”she said as she walked out, closing the door softly. She walked into the living room where her dad was sitting in his comfy chair where he puffed on his pipe.
“Father?” she asked.
‘Yes my dear?” he asked as he turned towards her.
“May I join you?” she asked. He beckoned her over and she took the seat opposite him.
“She looks just like her” she said after a few minutes. Then she noticed that he was holding the photo of Dorothy,
“Yes she does, and I bet that she knew that as well.” He said as he gazed at the picture fondly.
“I believe that she hoped she would be a person to ease the loss and since she seemed a lot like her, fill the gap” Aunt Elvira said.
“I suppose but the girl should be getting new clothes, items and go to school” he said firmly.
“Why she only just got here” exclaimed Aunt Elvira. He put up a hand to silence her and continued.
“Since her mother ran away with the school teacher, her own daughters teacher! Scandal broke out and nobody would respect her anymore, so hopefully here she an have a fresh start until her father comes back”
”Fine Father, we’ll go out after breakfast and she shall go to school next week.” Aunt Elvira said . He’s going to spoil the poor girl, thought Aunt Elvira.
“Thank you daughter”
She kissed his cheek and left. He stayed by the fire, still gazing at the daughter who he has lost and maybe could make up for all the wrongs and mistakes he did.
 
Work and toil

Working hard from sunrise to sunset
Toiling from dawn to dusk
Sweat falling into their eyes
Wiping their brows with stained handkerchiefs
Blistered hands and swollen feet
Pain coursing through their bodies
Trying to finish the work before sundown
Straining with the loads
The sky slowly dons orange and pink as sunset comes
They lower their heads in relief
Then trudging home
A hard day of work done for another day
 
I isn't based on any personal experience. My mom has been from the Phillipenes where they farm and books I read also were also what I based it on.
 
Predator and Prey

Padding silently
Head bent to the ground
Ears erect
Curious wonder in its eyes
Tail swishing back and forth
Stalking its prey
Arched back
A tentative sniff
Then walking slowly around the prey several times
Afterwards rubbing its body along it
Accepting the prey
A cat and a hat
 
Lost

Wandering
No purpose
Empty shells walking about
Dead inside
Masses
A mob of despair and sin
Marked with ink
Tagged
Dead men walking
Eyes cold and distant as they go about their daily lives
Dyed
A mask hides their face from others
Showing too much
Scars from the battle fought within
Looking
Searching
As the lost search for the light in the darkness
 
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