Contest #11 Close Encounters Talk Show

Benisse

Perelandrian
Staff member
Royal Guard
Our last Narnian contest involved imagining an advice column. This new contest involves imagining that YOU have your own TALK SHOW.

You will pretend that you, as your actual self, are the host of Close Encounters, a talk show. For a segment of your program, pretend that you have as your guests one Narnian character, and one character from a work of fiction NOT written by Mr. Lewis. Your discussion must be about some fictional situation either in Narnia, or in the other character's world. Do not take the discussion into areas which would not make any sense to the characters who are your guests.
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Criteria for judging:
40 points - Narnian characters behaving convincingly in character (hopefully the non-Narnian characters will be true to their character too but because of judge limitations, they will not be held under the same canonical scrutiny).

30 points - Creativity

20 points - Humor

10 points - Style & mechanics

Deadline: November 1 -- All Saints' Day.

Please note: Naturally, all regular forum rules regarding appropriate topics and language for posts applies to your talk show characters.

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P.S. Thanks to Copperfox, who has developed this contest idea, and who will serve as a one of the judges as well as an inspiration for this latest competition…
 
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The following is a non-competing example:

COPPERFOX : Welcome, viewers, to another segment of "Close Encounters," in which we explore the feelings and personalities of diverse fictional characters. In the studio with me tonight are two special guests: Mister Toad of Toad Hall, from Kenneth Grahame's famous children's book The Wind in the Willows, and Shift the Ape from C.S. Lewis' The Last Battle. Our subject--

SHIFT (interrupts, addressing Toad): What, am I supposed to share the stage with a lowly amphibian?

TOAD: Why not? I'm as much a talking creature as you are!

SHIFT: But you don't even have an individual name! Come on, really -- a toad simply named Toad? It's beneath my dignity to--

COPPERFOX (changing into the superhero Grey Eagle and using his telekinesis to force Shift's mouth shut): This is my program, and I'll decide what's dignified enough. Now, as I was saying, our subject for discussion is narcissism in fictional characters -- the feeling that you are better than everyone else, and therefore entitled to special privileges. Meaning no offense, both of you characters, as familiar figures in great literature, are understood to be embodiments of narcissism. Perhaps in different degrees; but that's part of what we will be discussing. Mister Toad, why don't you open the discussion by explaining to us what you consider to be special about yourself?

TOAD: Certainly, my good man. Albeit in what some crudely call an animal way, I am a representative of English civilization: one of the civilizations most to be credited with shaping and advancing the course of the whole world...

SHIFT: What world is that?

TOAD (half startled, half annoyed) : What world? Why, the world, of course!

COPPERFOX : Easy, both of you. Mister Toad, there's more than one world. Shift, Mister Toad is referring to what Narnians would call the world of Adam and Eve. Mister Toad, Shift comes from a place resembling the Wonderland in Lewis Carroll's writings, and he has never seen England. Please continue.

TOAD: Very well. I personify the dignity of the educated classes in Victorian and Edwardian England; yet my own part in this level of society deserves particular approbation, in view of my being, as I freely admit, an amphibian. A childhood as a tadpole set me behind human children where a scholarly education was concerned; yet I overcame all obstacles, and even taught myself how to drive a motorcar. I also learned the art of disguise, and--

COPPERFOX: Thank you, that's enough for now. Shift, what is your claim to fame?

SHIFT: A greater one than his! He speaks only of achievements at amusing himself; but I transformed a world! I brought unity where there had been division, placing separated realms under one government. I made an end of religious quarrels, by expanding the viewpoint of reasoning creatures. I showed them that all names for divinity are interchangeable. And I did this entirely out of self-sacrificing generosity for all Narnian beings who did not have the good fortune to be Apes.

COPPERFOX: Generosity? Sorry, Shift, but I've read the account of your actions. How was it "generous" to sell fellow Narnians into slavery, while demanding banquets and luxury for yourself?

SHIFT: What you call slavery was the imparting of discipline and order! And as for my banquets, they were no more than I deserved for the enlightenment I offered. This amphibian here only played at games, whereas I brought a new way of living!

COPPERFOX (with a disgusted sigh): Well, Shift, you're proving what I said about varying degrees of narcissism. It's true that Toad was self-centered; but he never meant to destroy anyone else's life, whereas you knowingly destroyed a whole nation. Your only superiority is a superiority at being evil. I've had enough of you; I'm going to give you back to Tash!

SHIFT: What? No, you can't do that, I'm the great Lord Shift, the conqueror of--

(Copperfox teleports him back to Tash's realm of darkness.)

TOAD: I say, old chap, that was a rousing trick! Would you be able to teach me to do that?

COPPERFOX: No, I'm afraid I can't. Anyway, I'd like to spend the remaining air time asking you to tell us a few things about your friend Mister Badger. I happen to know a human gentleman, an Englishman in fact, who regards Mister Badger as a model to emulate....
 
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Because I have a very long name, I've decided to shorten it to simply "Thomas" for my entry.

Thomas: Welcome everybody to another episode of Close Encounters. Today we have two very special guests, Trumpkin of Narnia, and Gimli of Middle-Earth! Today we're going to discuss dwarven battle tactics, prefered entertainment, and general life style. First thing I want to ask is, what do you most enjoy after a battle has been won and it's time for everybody to make merry? Gimli, you first.

Gimli: There's nothing like a good mug of stout malt beer, red meat off the bone,and salted pork!

Trumpkin: Yes, sir, that's fine dining to be sure. Especially when you've a good cider as well- and some pretty driads about to look at!

Gimli: Driads? Tree-women are a bit too elf-like for Durin's folk. Are you sure you're a full-blood dwarf? We like our women stout and hairy!

Thomas: Now Gimli, you must understand that Trumpkin is from Narnia, which is an entirely seperate world from Middle-Earth. He is a full-blood dwarf, but he is not of Durin's folk as you are.

Trumpkin: Who's Durin?

Gimli: Why the great Durin! The first and greatest king of the dwarves! By Durin's beard, a dwarf who's never heard of Durin! Now I've heard everything. I do hope you at least know how to use an axe. . .

Trumpkin: Of course I do! I'm proficient with a great many weapons, including the bow and arrow. Once I only narrowly lost to Queen Susan the Gentle's great archery skills in a competition!

Thomas: This brings up another point of our discussion: Warfare. Trumpkin, why don't you tell us the most common battle tactics used by dwarves in battle?

Trumpkin: Well, we dwarfs are generally grand archers, so in most Narnian battles, we stand behind and a bit above the lines of foot soldiers of various other Narnian creatures while firing at the enemy ranks with our bows. If the enemy comes into our reach, we switch to our swords, axes, maces, and spears and take our enemies head on.

Gimli: Staying behind at the beginning of the fight, shooting with arrows like the elves?! That's not the dwarven way! True dwarves charge straight into the fray with our great axes, war hammers, pole-arms and some times swords from the very beginning! Never hiding behind other races. And what's this business of bows and arrows? Dwarves throw much heavier projectiles. When we need to fight from a distance, we throw axes! But otherwise, we prefer to fight up close.

Trumpkin: Narnian dwarfs are just as capable as your dwarfs! However, we found the penetration, accuracy, and distance of arrows to be superior to throwing axes, so we use them to the best of our ability. Now if we were in a better environment, I'd challenge you to a sword fight in order to prove that we are not lacking in any other of your skills.

Thomas: Wo! No need to get hostile towards each other there! Remember, you're both very honorable dwarves, and your authors happpened to be good friends with each other. Now, I think we've heard enough about warfare, so let me see what else we had on the agenda for today's show *looks through some papers on his desk* Ah yes! Gimli, would you describe the sort of home that most dwarves live in?

Gimli: Most of us including myself live in our mountain halls, built from the very stone of the mountain itself and in some cases our cities go as deep as the very heart of the mountains in which they're built! No work of men or elves can compare to the incredible stone-work of the dwarves. We've stone pillars greater than the tallest of trees supporting the ceilings of our enormous dwellings within the mountains, and great forges some times made from the fire that burns ever-lasting at the very heart of the mountain! And such treasures that even a dragon's greatest hoard pales in comparison. In fact, there is a very famous tale from when I was a young dwarf, one which my own father Gloin witnessed first hand! There was once a dragon called Smaug who grew jealous of our kingdom in the Lonely Mountain, and-

Thomas: Gimli, I hate to interupt, but many of our viewers already know this story, and we are running out of time. So viewers, for those of you who do not yet know the story of Smaug and the Lonely Mountain, you can read all about it in J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit, available wherever books are sold. Also, there is a movie due to come out this december based on this classic work, "The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey" directed by Peter Jackson. Gimli, Trumpkin, carry on.

Gimli: I have finished. No words could propperly describe the glorious kingdoms of the dwarves. I just hope I have given some idea as to their majesty.

Trumpkin: Gimli, your dwarfs are certainly some good stout folk, if all you say is true! In Narnia, we dwarves have no kingdoms of our own, only cottages and houses in the forests and mountains. I do hope to some day visit your kingdoms.

Gimli: I hope you have that privelege some day as well! I would show you the famed hospitality of the dwarves of Durin, and we'd drink and eat, and hear the great ballads of the dwarves of old, and enjoy roaring fires!

Trumpkin: That sounds quite enjoyable. Can we go there after this show is over?

Gimli: Of course we can!

Thomas: Well, that's all the time we have for today! Thanks everyone for tuning in, and thank you Gimli and Trumpkin for coming on today!

Trumpkin: Can we go now?

Thomas: Yes, you can go.

Gimli: Thomas, you come too. To the Iron Hills! Food, drink, and entertainment await!
 
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I will if I can find some time. I just moved into my new place so I am loaded down at present. Plus God is talking to me about my future wife so I am a bit distracted. :D
 
Sir Tom has gotten me interested.. It will take some time for me to think of something that will truly be creative and interesting, but I'll try :)
 
Good man! Remember that the NON-Narnian character you use does not have to be one who is widely familiar to other Dancing Lawn members. If he or she seems likely to be unknown to the rest of us, you can just make sure to work some information into your entry to make us understand why this particular non-Narnian character seemed a good one to encounter the NARNIAN character you use.
 
Talk Show Contest

Calling all writers and kindred spirits with out-of-the-box imaginations! The deadline for Close Encounters is creeping up --November 1st midnight (Pacific Time). So if you plan to submit an entry please do so soon ;)
 
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Glen: So here we are today at radio station WYME. This is Close Encounters, and I’m your host, Glenburne. Today I am going to be interviewing the two guests who are here in the studio with me, Mr. Philip Pirrip—

Mr. Pirrip: That’s Pip, thank you.

Glen: And Jadis, ah—I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch your last name.

Jadis: We, Jadis, last ruler of the mighty empire Charn, have such a pedestrian epithet attached to our name? We shall pardon you this time. You may address us as Your Imperial Majesty.

Glen: Jadis, please remember that you were returned to life merely to be a guest on Close Encounters. You will be sent back to the dead lands if you cannot keep a civil tongue in your head.

Jadis: We know the Deplorable Word. We can destroy you in an instant.

Glen: Haven’t you ever read the books you’re in?

Jadis: You shall die! In the name of the House of Charn—

We interrupt this broadcast to censor inappropriate language. Our censorship is intended for your psychological benefit and has been subject to numerous scientific studies. If you have any questions, please call 1-800-YOU-HUSH. And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Glen: Now that you have successfully demonstrated the continued incapacitation of the Deplorable Word, Jadis, I’d like to get down to the main topic of our interview. I was hoping to talk with you and Pip about your views on the economy. Since you were once an empress, and Pip here was educated as a gentleman, I thought that you two might be able to offer unique points of view on the current state of the American economy.

Pip: That’s all?

Glen: I didn’t exactly want to host an interview about someone’s love life, and the economy is pretty important right now.

Pip: But love is all that’s—that’s—

Glen: *audible sigh* You really would prefer being interviewed about your love life?

Pip: Yes.

Glen: Well, then—Jadis?

Jadis: Your economy does not serve your empire well. In fact, you should have invaded Canada years ago. We can offer you no further advice on the matter other than to say you ought to be focused on conquering.

Glen: So…you want to talk about your love life too.

Jadis: We shall permit that.

Glen: Okay…then I will ask you the first question, Pip. Tell the audience about your first crush.

Pip: I don’t follow you.

Glen: Puppy love. Little kid romance. Whatever. I’m not British.

Pip: She was beautiful—like a candle in that dark house—and she scorned me—

Glen: And what about you, Jadis?

Jadis: We were very young when we felt a certain warmth toward a street urchin. Then it occurred to us that we ought not to feel at all toward our subjects, for they live to serve us. So we had him sent to the mines. That rather took care of the problem.

Glen: Didn’t you feel any guilt about doing that? After all, the boy didn’t have a crush on you.

Jadis: No, but he looked at us. He ought to have known better.

Pip: She let me kiss her.

Jadis: We most certainly did not! You wretched, vile—

We again interrupt Close Encounters to protect the honor of the House of Charn. Please bear with Jadis as she experiences momentary emotional difficulties.

Glen: Now that we have successfully determined that Pip was talking about Estella, and not Jadis, our next topic is unrequited love. Pip, briefly describe your feelings toward Estella.

Pip: I love her. I feel as if—as if we are destined for each other.

Glen: Like star-crossed lovers, you mean?

Pip: No, like Miss Havisham wants us together.

Glen: You’re talking about the rich woman who hasn’t taken a bath in decades?

Pip: It was at her home I met Estella. Miss Havisham held a jewel at her throat, and we played cards, and Estella scorned me…. Still she treats me with coldness, though I will love her always.

Glen: What about you, Jadis? Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

Jadis: Yes. He loved us very much, but his mustache tickled us unnecessarily the one time that we kissed.

Glen: And?

Jadis: You are slower than our servants. At least they knew what came if we were disturbed.

Glen: I agree that you are disturbed, but you have not answered the question.

Jadis: We had him executed, of course. After that it was easier.

Glen: Can—can you please clarify what you meant by “after that”?

Jadis: The one with the mustache was Gasta. Then there was Lukem, who blinked too much. Hari wrote poetry about the moon. Indar fidgeted during a council meeting. Umat was too quiet, Tarfen was too loud, and Kavek spilled coffee in my lap.

Glen: This has been Close Encounters, and I’m your host, Glenburne. Join us next week to hear Jadis give her defense of capital punishment—

Jadis: Along with suggestions for how to carry it out more effectively.

Glen: Goodbye!
 
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