I win, because I caught a glimpse of Mozart's Facebook page with her actual name on it.
*Scary violin screech*
Oh, that reminds me, I win because I found this hilarious thing:
violins I: *laaaaa aaaaa la la lal al ALlaaaaLAAAAAAA I'm centre of attention!! laaaAA
violins II: *the same as violins I just not as LAAaAA
flutes: *ftroot foooooooooooot ftoot
piccolo: **shattering windows*
french horns: *solo time!! *BWAARRRRRRR RA BWA BWAB bwa bwAAAAA*
oboes: *nasal infections
violas: *indistinguishable from cellos and violins unfortunately
trumpets: *BFWAAAAAAAAAAAA *shattering of ear drums*
trombones: *a lower, more friendly trumpet
cellos: *drunk LAAALa lA
bassoons: *honkedy honkty hhhhhuonkkk
clarinet: *hnnnnnng *sQUEAK*
timpani: *brbrbrbrbrb DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN
bass clarinet: *hhhhuuhhhhnnnh *SQUeak*
tuba: *the brass equivalent of a timpani
harp: **glissandos n slides n angles*
english horn: *an extremely congested nasal passage trying to sneeze
basses: *the equivalent of a bass part in a gregorian chant
cymbals: *CRASH CRAHS DOOSH DASH
xylophones: *kinda like water dripping from a tap *dink dink dink dink*
triangles: **DIIHHHNGG DIIHNG*
bass drum: *the cannon from the hunger games
piano: *all of the above
Truth.