Corrupt a Wish Game II

Granted. But in order to grant this request, I have to find a way to turn a cat's just termination into "murder." This proves very difficult. I have to travel to remote locations and question ancient wise men who do not bathe very often. I become grumpy. When I bring you instructions on how to murder a cat, I murder you also. The cat lives on.

I wish everyone who committed a crime would get caught and punished.
 
Granted. But in order to grant this request, I have to find a way to turn a cat's just termination into "murder." This proves very difficult. I have to travel to remote locations and question ancient wise men who do not bathe very often. I become grumpy. When I bring you instructions on how to murder a cat, I murder you also. The cat lives on.

I wish everyone who committed a crime would get caught and punished.

Granted. Unfortunately, that means that almost everyone is punished, because almost everyone has broken the speed limit at one time or another. Almost everyone. The exception is Toodles, who has always found it unethical to speed and has never gone over the speed limit. Realizing that the only upright being in the world is Toodles, the rest of the world akes him the Leader of All the World. The power goes to his head and in his thirteenth year of governing, he decrees that everyone who commits a crime shall be put to death. Unfortunately, he had previously decreed in his sixth year that it was a crime to "not be Toodles the great and amazing Buffalo of Leadership". He had forgotten that those two laws together would mean that everyone on the earth would be put to death. In the spirit of ethicality, he put the last other person to death in the fifteenth year of his reign. He lived the rest of his life lonely and sad, and the world never had any occupants again.

I wish that the Colts would win the rest of their games this year.
 
Granted. They do. But they only win because you wished for them to do so, which basically means that you rigged the game. Toodles denounces you for being the mastermind of a cheating scheme, the entire Colts team is banned from sports, and you are never allowed to attend a sports game again. This depresses you, so you start spending most of your time in bed. Toodles believes the ethical thing for him to do is to help you embark upon an intensive self-improvement plan. He tries to make you learn to speak German, because that is the language of Kant. You refuse. Toodles then blasts you with German-language media night and day. You plug your ears. Then comes the day when Toodles turns on a German-language sports match. And promises to get permission for you to attend sports events in Germany. Suddenly, you have become a Germophile. Or whatever people who love Germany are called.

I wish people were not allowed to make movies about librarians, because when they do, it's always annoying.
 
I wish people were not allowed to make movies about librarians, because when they do, it's always annoying.

Granted. people are no longer allowed to make movies about librarians, or any public servants, for that matter. Unfortunately, the government decides to ban all movies that mentions librarians, which means that It's a Wonderful Life is banned. Without the best Christmas movie ever made, the world plunges into turmoil and everyone dies.

I wish that Jefferson Smith of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington were President-Elect.
 
Granted. Jefferson Smith is the President-Elect...of Germany. You are furious that you weren't specific enough with your wish and decide to become an international accordion terrorist in revenge. You manage to ruin the U.S. presidential inauguration by playing the accordion very loudly, and are hustled off to a secret underground prison. In prison, you are cellmates with a sheep. He was arrested for lacking basic humanity. You think that whatever government agency is holding the two of you captive is being very inappropriate--after all, arresting sheep is consider unethical by Toodles--and you mount a protest, using Toodles as a source. Unfortunately, Toodles has reconsidered and has some obscure reason for why the two of you should stay in prison forever. Your appeal goes nowhere, and you spend the rest of your life talking to the sheep.

I wish I had a bottle of Felix felicis right now.
 
Granted. You are granted the chocolate touch. Everything you touch turns to chocolate. Unlike Midas, you don't starve. But let's just say that your diet causes you to die at a relatively young age. When you die, you retain the chocolate touch and therefore are forced to wander the earth, providing chocolate for poor children until the end of time. Said poor children cannot see you, and some of them come from cultures that think chocolate is weird, so they never eat the chocolate. You go on your way, weeping.

I wish I had the power of mind control.
 
I wish I had the power of mind control.

Granted. Unfortunately, you turn evil, like most people with mind control powers do, and kill your father with a light saber. Also, your father is Han Solo. And you burn your hands from the laser hilt guard on your light saber.

I wish that my book were as popular as Star Wars.
 
Granted. Your book is so popular that everyone wants you to autograph their copy, and also to shake your hand. After a few days of this, your hand becomes swollen and painful. You go to the doctor, hoping for a cure. Unfortunately, the doctor is a quack, and he cuts your hand off. He says that you can grow a new hand if you believe in yourself, and this will show everyone the incredible power of science. You try very hard to believe in yourself, but you can't seem to grow your hand back. Eventually you figure out that you already did believe in yourself--that is, you have never doubted your own existence--and that the doctor was talking nonsense. You try to sue him, but the statute of limitations is past. Sorry.

I wish I had an Elven-Ring.
 
I wish I had an Elven-Ring.

Granted. Smeagol steals it, and then Gollum steals it from him. Then they blow up, as their brains can't process the dual existence that they experience.

The ring is destroyed in the explosion.

I wish that the Patriots will lose the Super Bowl.
 
Me, too, but, unfortunately....

Er, granted. The Patriots lose this Superbowl, but they win every Superbowl afterward, because, as my younger brother says, they cheat. You believe that their cheating corrupts the whole country, and you write a bestseller about it. Unfortunately, you realize afterwards that the country was corrupt already, and that the Patriots are being unfairly blamed, and that you ought to clear their name. The thought causes you to die of horror. The Patriots boycott your funeral.

I wish that I could read two books at the same time with complete comprehension. (No time limits on the comprehension, or I'll feed you to the Can.)
 
Granted, but this will cause your left and right hemispheres to gradually lose all connection, and you will be forced to make either 100% emotional or 100% rational decisions, and you don't get to choose which side you use for which decision.

I wish my holiday prepared itself.
 
Granted. But your holiday has an incredibly bad attitude toward your mother, and it decides that you should spend the time making your mother miserable. You proceed to do so, because you feel that you have no choice--the holiday carries a concealed knife. Unfortunately, your mother carries an unconcealed frying pan and commences to chase you down the street, brandishing it over her head. She overbalances and accidentally drops the frying pan behind her onto the head of the neighborhood grandfather figure, whom everyone loves. He falls down, unconscious. The police drag your mother off to jail. The holiday suddenly feels guilty, decides it likes your mother after all, and forces you to break your mother out of jail. You and your mother become international fugitives. The holiday follows both of you around, but eventually decides that he doesn't like your mother again. The cycle repeats itself.

I wish vampire romances did not exist.
 
Granted. The only thing that exists is a bear, and you. You want an interesting forum about children's books, but you've only got the bear. The bear wants honey, but it's only got you. You try to make conversation but your interests are incompatible. You both die of loneliness. Now there's nothing at all.

I wish I had a good fairy godmother.
 
Granted. She is incredibly good and expects you to be good as well. She gives you lots of lessons in manners and teaches you to expertly balance a book on your head. You become a perfect lady to the point that you would never dare to ask her to perform magic for you, as that would be impolite and presumptuous.

I wish library patrons would stop reading romances.
 
Granted. Unfortunately, they aren't interested in reading anything else, so they just sit around the library clandestinely eating Snickers and hiding the wrappers between the pages of the boring books on home economics. When that ceases to be interesting, they have peanut-spitting competitions. Some time later, they forget how to read altogether, and wonder at the funny hieroglyphs in the books. When they find you behind the information desk reading, they assume that you are hypnotising yourself. When you tell them that you were reading about Queen Guinevere, they deduce that each page of a book produces a different kind of hypnosis. They also want to be hypnotized, because they are so bored. Desperate, you offer to teach them. You end up teaching alphabetization courses. (There is nothing worse than alphabetization courses.)

I wish people were born with an innate knowledge of the Latin alphabet.
 
Granted. However, they are also born with no ability to use that alphabet, and so it just wastes away in their brains serving absolutely no purpose whatsoever. As a result, everyone born with this innate knowledge grows to hate it because all it does is inexplicably take up space inside their heads.

I wish that everyone in the world could have their own personal library.
 
Granted, but people generally don't know how to put up shelves correctly and fasten them to the wall, so that falling shelves and heavy books tumbling out of them become the #1 cause of death.


I wish for a better long-term memory.
 
Granted. Your long term memory is so good that you are kidnapped by a group of rogue scientists who want to use you as a lab subject. They do horrid things to you, like forcing you to eat your vegetables, and then make you recite details about your experiences. They also test how sleep deprivation affects your mind. You eventually give up on life and cause a lab explosion, which you do not expect to survive. You live, however, but you have amnesia, and you cannot build new memories at all, or remember anyone except for the scientists (the ones who survived the explosion, that is). You become best buddies with them, and you all live happily ever after, because they find it funny to say rude things to you and watch you forget it all five minutes later. So everyone gets what they want. Sort of.

I wish I only worked four 8-hour days a week and had a three-day weekend.
 
Granted, but you can't enjoy the third day of your weekend, because your uncle's ghost keeps appearing to you and demanding you avenge him.

I wish I could put annoying people in a box, store it on a high shelf in a spare room, and forget about it.
 
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