Distance between siblings

*just a note, I'm not positive this is the correct place to start this, but I figured the general topic forum would be best. Mods feel free to move it if need be*

This is kind of a hard thing for me to write about, but it's been troubling me for some time. I used to be so close to my younger sister. We are just two years apart, and all through high school and first few years of college we loved to hang out together and do things.

The last few years we have really become distant from each other, and it came to a head last summer. She changed a lot during the time I was away doing my teaching, started smoking and drinking excessively, dropped out of college and just a generally negative person. It made me sick to be around her. We were together at my parents house for a week last summer, and she came home drunk well after midnight every night, and one day I had to go and pick her up from a bar because she was drunk by noon.

It was so upsetting to be around her and since then I haven't been able to look at her the same. She has gotten help and is not in such a tight grip of her addictions anymore, but she is still incredibly negative and complains constantly. Complains about how poor she is, complains about how stupid people are, complains about being a vegan (even though she chose to do that??). Not to mention she is incredibly disrespectful of the Christian faith - I would have no problem with her not believing or choosing to look into other religions, but she is just awful and says terrible things in front of me... knowing full well that those are the things I believe in!

I live in the same town as my family again and so I have ended up seeing more of her, and it is just so draining to be around someone so pessimistic. I've found myself at the point where if I plan to go to my parent's house and find out she will be there too, I would rather not even go at all. I don't even like talking to her and try to avoid it as much as possible. This makes me feel awful because we used to be so close. But if she is going to continue behaving this way I just don't want her to be a part of my life. I don't have the energy to deal with that kind of personality.

Has anyone else ever felt like this about their sibling? I know that since I am an adult I can choose to interact with whomever I want, but since she is family I find it harder than if she were just a person I knew.

Thanks if you made it all the way through.

Sfz,
((hugs))
It is so difficult to see people you love trashing their lives and radiating negativity. I have had a family member go through struggles with drugs, and another sink into depression and a negative morass -- and of the two, by far the harder person to be around was the one who was blaming and talking down on others.

When trying to love the negative person, John 8:1-11 was really helpful to me; it's the account of the woman being accused by all those religious leaders. Jesus was my example: for a long time he did not speak at all but just wrote on the ground, and when he did speak he did not get sucked into a debate, but rather pointed people to self-examination.

So when my dear complainer would get going, my goal was to be praying silently for that person and asking God if there was anything He wanted me to say to her. Most of the time He didn't tell me to say anything so I would either say nothing (Proverbs 26:4) or simply recognize the feelings behind the words ("You sound really upset."). If she was dumping negativeness on me over the phone I would limit my time to talk with her up front, and when the time limit was over I would tell her, "It is time for me to let you go [and do x]."

Or if the complaining involved someone else in the family I would stop her and say, "Sorry I don't want to be in the middle between you and [x]. Could we talk about [change the topic] instead?" And if she did not respect my boundaries, I would excuse myself. This type of boundary setting and pulling away was difficult but it was important for me not to become a dumping ground of negativity; letting her talk negative would fuel her anger -- like fuel for a fire with each recitation. It helped that my husband was backing me up and supporting me through this tricky redefining of my boundaries with our dear complainer; ultimately this long process brought healing in my relationship with her.

I am so thankful your sister is getting help... You and your family --and any possible interventions-- are in my prayers.

Sforzando, I am very sorry you are going through this. How painful it must be, to be so far from someone to whom you were once so close. I am praying there will be healing, resolution, and transformation.

But the reality in the meantime is: you have to take care of yourself first, and then you can take care of your sister. Benisse has given you great ideas for setting boundaries and refusing to be sucked in to the negativity. Those are really important!

For myself, as a young person back when I was your age, the relative I couldn't stand to be around was my father. And honestly, the only thing I could do was not be around him. I could maintain some semblance of connection to him, or affection for him, if I were not near him. I know it sounds harsh, but if I had continued in daily/regular exposure to him, I would have come to hate him. He was just too much. (He was an alcoholic in addition to being out of his freaking mind!)

So, for a few years, I just very rarely saw him. It was the best I could do at that time in my life with the amount of maturity I had and the amount of faith I had. And I believe our absence from each others' lives helped save the relationship. When I was a little older and more mature, I didn't take everything he did or said so personally, and I was able to sort see that he had very little choice in how he acted; he'd long since forfeited control of his life.

That said, today, looking back, I wish I had been kinder, more loving, more able to see him as a brother in Christ rather than a crappy father in those days. He didn't live long enough, he died before I really came into close relationship with Christ and found that love for the unlovely could come naturally to me because of Christ in me. I wish that I'd had such knowledge while he was still alive; I wish I could have loved him back then as I know I would love him now.

So ... You have to be the best gauge of what is good for you. If you can set boundaries and be around your sister without coming to hate her or absorbing her negativity, then you should do that as much as you can, so you will never look back and wish you had stayed closer to her despite her antagonism. If you don't have that inner strength or maturity in Christ yet to make this possible, I would say stay away until you are older and stronger, or she has changed. Both things will happen, I imagine, sooner than you think. And from my perspective, it's better to just drop the relationship for now, put it on ice for a while, than to doggedly stay in it and be turned bitter toward her. If you distance yourself now, in future there may be an open door. If you stick with it now and find yourself unable to stand her -- it may poison the future.

You have to pray for wisdom, and then follow where the Holy Spirit leads you. God loves her and will not give up on her, but you can only love her and not give up on her as God gives you the strength to do so. If you don't have that strength, just back away until you do. This is my advice, based on my own crummy relationship. It didn't end perfectly, but best case scenario, you will have years ahead that I didn't have with my pop, and you will regain the closeness you've lost.

Love & hugs as you make your decision.

Thank you all for your comments. It's just so hard for me to deal with, I'm a very emotional person, and more than anything it makes me sad.

It's just awful to know how much she had going for her, and then see where she's at today. I pray for her, but I wish I could do more.

I do try to keep my distance already. I will have dinner with my family every now and then, and she is usually there. As long as others are around it isn't quite as bad, but she can still get negative and mean and it frustrates me. I don't think it's making me hate her...but it does negatively impact our relationship whenever I'm around and all she does is go on about how awful her problems are but doesn't do anything to correct that.

I feel bad for thinking like that, because she might have some kind of mental or psychological problems that are preventing her from making the changes in her life...but it is just too much for me to deal with most of the time.

Sfz,
Grieving the loss of your closeness to your sister and the loss of what she had going for her in the light of the reality of today is so heavy -- and a natural response. I think of biblical examples of such grief: Moses for the rebellious Israelites, or Jesus for the Jews (Matthew 22:37; Luke 13:34).

I pray that the Mercy of heaven would pursue your sister, relentlessly bringing people and situations into her life to draw her back to the Light, and that she would turn to Christ with her pain and fears, rather than seeking to numb herself with alcohol.

Thank you Benisse, I will read and think on the passages you've shared here.

I went to my parents house for lunch today and she was there, and we seemed to have a decent interaction. Not much really, but she was in a pleasant mood, and we were able to talk a bit without much negativity. I don't expect anything to change immediately, and unfortunately this was probably just lucky that she was in a good mood, but it was nice.

It's just such an odd feeling, being so distant - it's almost like being around a stranger or acquaintance rather than my sister. I've had similar experiences growing apart from friends, like when we left high school and the like, but never with such a negativity as this.

I know it's not my business to judge what she's doing with her life, but it's frustrating and confusing to me that she has decided to go on with her life like this. We were raised by very good parents who took us to church every week, provided very well for us, taught us right from wrong...so how did she take such a dramatic turn?

Eh, sometimes people just go their own way. They feel like maybe they missed out on something by being a goody-goody and whatnot; I can understand it. (Not the negativity part, I don't understand that at all.) But I think it's not uncommon for a "good Christian" young person to drop out and chase the wild life for a while. It's important to remember that Bible passage which says, "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." When he's old! It may take a few years, but I believe your sister will come back to faith, to hope, to real life. As Benisse says, it is very hard to lose that close and happy relationship, and you have a right to grieve. Keep your own focus on Jesus, and keep praying. You will find the strength and hope you need, too. Love and prayers coming your way.

I guess that does make sense, Inkspot, she used to always joke about drinking, ask family members if she could try their drinks even though she was underage. We never really thought much of it, but I guess that's something she wanted to experience. I'm pretty sure she started getting in deep when she started dating a guy a couple years ago. He was a pretty bad influence and really got her into the drinking/smoking/bar scene, and she was really in love with him. When they broke up that just pushed her in even deeper. (that happened last spring/summer, which is when I first experienced just how bad things were with her)

I hope that she does come back, and find her way out of what she's gotten into. She's really strong willed and I believe she could do it, but it will only happen if she is ready and wants to.

Thank you all for the prayers. It means a lot to me to have your support and know that I can talk freely about this here.

Sforzando77 said:

I guess that does make sense, Inkspot, she used to always joke about drinking, ask family members if she could try their drinks even though she was underage. We never really thought much of it, but I guess that's something she wanted to experience. I'm pretty sure she started getting in deep when she started dating a guy a couple years ago. He was a pretty bad influence and really got her into the drinking/smoking/bar scene, and she was really in love with him. When they broke up that just pushed her in even deeper. (that happened last spring/summer, which is when I first experienced just how bad things were with her)

I hope that she does come back, and find her way out of what she's gotten into. She's really strong willed and I believe she could do it, but it will only happen if she is ready and wants to.

Thank you all for the prayers. It means a lot to me to have your support and know that I can talk freely about this here.

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Yeah, it's too bad that free will comes with the price tag that some people will go SO FAR WRONG; but we wouldn't REALLY want God to make mindless machines of us.

Now for some more bad news, in case you weren't sad enough.

I had wondered in the past about "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." The fact is that some people DO get taught the right way, but they STILL abandon it and NEVER come back. (The no-good sons of the noble prophet Samuel come to mind.) A few years ago, then, I encountered a teaching by someone who KNEW HEBREW, and who said that this verse from Proverbs had been mistranslated. He said that in the original Hebrew, it really said something like, "ALLOW your child to go the way HE WANTS to go, and he'll be locked into his bad habits for life." This means that the verse was not a promise of a guaranteed happy outcome, yet it WAS a call for us to TRY in good faith.

Copperfox said:

Yeah, it's too bad that free will comes with the price tag that some people will go SO FAR WRONG; but we wouldn't REALLY want God to make mindless machines of us.

Now for some more bad news, in case you weren't sad enough.

I had wondered in the past about "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." The fact is that some people DO get taught the right way, but they STILL abandon it and NEVER come back. (The no-good sons of the noble prophet Samuel come to mind.) A few years ago, then, I encountered a teaching by someone who KNEW HEBREW, and who said that this verse from Proverbs had been mistranslated. He said that in the original Hebrew, it really said something like, "ALLOW your child to go the way HE WANTS to go, and he'll be locked into his bad habits for life." This means that the verse was not a promise of a guaranteed happy outcome, yet it WAS a call for us to TRY in good faith.

Click to expand...

Copperfox, that is a little discouraging. I have faith that she will turn back someday though, even if it does take some time. We've spent the last three days together (family vacation/gathering) and although it hasn't been all bad, she still did have some negative moments. I tried to get some space from her as much as I could, and that seemed to help. Once we get back home it will be easier, as I'll be at my own apartment again.

On a side note, I love hearing about direct translations from people who know the original languages very well. It's so easy for translators to make the translations say what they want them to say, as a way to push their own agenda. I wish there was a way to go back and see what the original writings truly directly translate to.