Corrupt a Wish Game II

Granted. I was able to avoid murdering him, by proving to him that a clean room isn't everything--intelligence counts for something. Therefore he transferred his affections to Glenburne. They married and are now having a fine time--him screaming Emerson and her hollering Chesterton.

I wish I could have argued with the guest speaker at church. I totally disagreed with him, but had to leave directly after service.
 
Granted. With every successful point you make, the guest speaker shrinks smaller, and smaller, and smaller. Eventually he disappears entirely. You are arrested for murder and held for 21 years until your trial, which the judge forgets to attend. Then you are held for another 21 years before a second attempt at a trial, which the judge remembers to attend. When the news of your conviction gets out to the public--and they find out you had to wait 42 years for a trial--they form an angry mob and attack the jail, intending to free you. However, they accidentally knock the jail over. You die and have a memorial stone erected to you in the town square.

I wish nobody had to marry VL's brother's friend.
 
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Granted. Nobody has to marry him, but you do anyway. (Don't worry. He won't really make you hear Emerson all day. He'll be out fencing with his brother and mine.)

I wish I hadn't been killed. The memorial stone is really not worth it.
 
Granted. You're not dead. You are, however, a hippopotamus, which causes you to be kicked out of college.

I wish my lawyer would stop being invisible.
 
Glenburne said:
I wish my lawyer would stop being invisible.
Click to expand...

Granted. Your lawyer takes off his magic ring, and turns out to be Saruman, who decided to get a law degree. He promptly turns you into an ork, and forces you to do his dirty work for him forever.

I wish my class would see that they have discussed the Enlightenment quite long enough.
 
Granted. They see the light and are blinded. Then they can't see the computer screen, so all online class discussion is ended, and you all have to have phone conversations. However, the voices of your classmates range between the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard to sandpaper to nails in a tin bucket. As a result, you become deaf, and communication with your classmates is no longer possible. You don't mind because all they want to discuss is Thoreau, his frog pond, and the woman who did his laundry.

VictorianLady said:
Granted. Your lawyer takes off his magic ring, and turns out to be Saruman, who decided to get a law degree. He promptly turns you into an ork, and forces you to do his dirty work for him forever.
Click to expand...

I wish VL had spelled Orc correctly.
 
Well, unfortunately, we will be discussing "Thoreau, his frog pond, and the woman who did his laundry" next week.

Granted. I spelled "orc" correctly, but spelled "Saruman" as "Sarahman," with the predictable result that he became very angry with me. Terrified at the prospect of being turned into an orc, I managed to stammer out "Glenburne's fault, sir!" He turned on you and threw you into a deep, dark dungeon where you remain to this day. (He did give you a dictionary to keep you company.)

I wish Glenburne's spelling was worse than mine.
 
Granted. You speak Irish with such a thick brogue that your speech class teacher can't understand a word of what you say, and thinks you're doing it on purpose to be smart-alecky with her. She fails you and gives such a bad report of you to the provost, that he expels you. There. Now neither of us is in college anymore.

I wish we were back in college.
 
Granted. We both attend the University of PETA. Our course list:

Cockroaches: A Species Victimized
Insects and Human Hate Speech
Gorilla Culture
Protecting the Innocent: Wolves, Alligators, and Grizzlies
Hunting and Mental Disorders
Illustrious Sharks of History

We both are so annoyed that we hold the college president hostage and are subsequently kicked out.

I wish PETA didn't start a university.
 
How can I corrupt that? I wish they hadn't either.

Okay, granted. Instead of starting a university, they take over the government and decree that all universities must teach the course list given above, with the addition of "Evil Predators in Literature: Crusoe, Quatermain, and the Crew of the Pequod." We decide not to go to college, but PETA makes us go anyway.

I wish gorillas did not exist.
 
Granted, but PETA is furious that they do not. PETA discovers that you were the evil mastermind who made the wish, and they bomb your house. You escape, but all your books are destroyed, and you grieve yourself to death.

I wish VL wouldn't mind losing her books so much.
 
Granted. I don't mind in the least because I take over Glenburne's library. I regret the loss of a few Chestertons, but at least I have Project Gutenberg, and the consolation of all the new books in Glenburne's library.

I wish Glenburne had read every Chesterton book there is.
 
Glenburne is working on it, but...granted. I know more Chesterton than you because I have memorized all his books. You become jealous and murder me. My ghost haunts you for the rest of your days. I hover behind you wherever you go, whispering rude comments in your ear and critiquing the way you eat. You try to murder me again, but (of course) that doesn't work.

I wish I had a hardback copy of all Chesterton's books.
 
Granted. But you set such a high value on your collection, that one night when a fire breaks out, your only concern is for your Chesterton collection. All your C. S. Lewis books are left behind. The whole TDL group (except me) is furious with you for slighting Lewis, and they take you to the nearest tree and lynch you. I take over the hardback collection.

I wish Glenburne hadn't been lynched.
 
Granted. And I make you buy me a new hardback edition of all Lewis's books. You go broke and begin stealing your brother's money to make ends meet. Your brother finds out and forces you to clean his room for him for the rest of your life.

I wish VL's brother would clean his own room.
 
Yeah...I wish he would too.

Granted. Glenburne is so pleased that he did it at her wish that she sends him a ticket to go see the world chess championship. He is grateful, and offers to take her to see The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. Glenburne refuses, but VL knows that Glenburne really wanted to see this movie, and that the refusal must have stemmed from a personal objection to VL's brother. Furiously angry, she burns the new C. S. Lewis collection. Of course, VL goes to jail for vandalization, but Glenburne knows it was really her fault and dies of guilt.

I wish I hadn't sent myself to jail.
 
Granted. You sane yourself to the Insane Asylum, where you fall prey to OCD. And I come back as a ghost, whispering over your shoulder which things you should obsess about....like Emerson, Thoreau, and Whitman, who you come to adore and obsessively quote.

I wish VL would stop quoting Emerson. He gives me a headache.
 
Granted. VL can still give Glenburne a headache with Thoreau. What lies outside is nothing to what lies within...let each man march to his own drum...I talk about myself, because that is all I know--the narrowness of my experience...work? we haven't any of any consequence....and on and on and on.

I wish I could stop quoting Thoreau.
 
He talks about himself because he doesn't know enough about anything else? Well--today is a day for confessions, isn't it?

Granted. You stop quoting Thoreau and start quoting your brother. Everyone thinks you're weird as a result. They form an angry mob and chase you out of the city. You start working in Chicago. You get involved in politics and become corrupt. An angry mob should chase you out of the city; but, because you are, after all, in Chicago, no mob ever forms. You get rich, and the Mafia erects a monument to you upon your death at the hooves of an angry purple buffalo.

I wish I had a calm purple buffalo.
 
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