Jadis returns to Narnia

Tom looked at the lamp. "I wonder what it has to do with the girl," said he to June, as he went up to it and touched it. "Cast iron," he remarked; "and yet, here it is among all the electric ones. Don't you find that strange, June?" June frowned at him. "You and your science! You think you know everything, but you don't. So what, it's an old lamp, and I don't care what it's made of; next you will be telling me what iron factory it came from."

Tom paid no attention to June's remark; he looked up at the missing arm. "How do you think the arm went missing? And what could have caused it? It was not by lightning, as there are no burn marks on it or the lamp."

"The answer is simple," said the young man who took Tom by surprise, as he was too busy examining the lamp. "In the old days, kids used to throw ropes over the arms and make swings for themselves. No Xboxes then; and over time the rope wore it away till it finally gave way." He laughed to himself as he went into the van. June also found it hard to keep a straight face. Tom was beside himself. "What does that muscle-bound idiot know about anything? Does he not know that it would take hundreds of years to wear away iron with a rope, and not a mere 150 or so?"

"Calm down Tom," said June. "His explanation seems plausible; and look, here comes the old man, maybe he will tell the rest of his story."


There is such a thing as realism EVEN in a fantasy; and you have done it right. The way Tom, June and the worker talked among themselves really IS the way people might talk about an unusual object in the middle of a city. You are doing well so far.

Note that more paragraph separations are good to have. The separations I have made in this copy of your latest section are just a for-instance.
 
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The old man walked towards the two kids slightly out of breath " my your face is as red as mine" he said to Tom "that box was heavyier for me than my son thought". Tom gave him a look of contempet "Oh don't mind Tom he's just mad that your son gave a reasonable account for the missing arm, please do tell the rest of your story" said June. The old man mopped his brow and took out his pipe, lit it and said "now then where was I in the story?" "You were on about a girl and that lamp or don't you remember" said Tom in a harsh voice as he was still angry because he was took down a peg. The old man looked Tom in the eyes "the story is that the house you are moving into once belonged to a mad magician and with his magic he brought forth a tall beautiful woman and it was she who ripped of the arm of the lamp". "Come on" said June "as my brother said its made of iron and no woman could not pull it off even women weight lifters could not do that" "yes and as for magician's" added Tom "they are all fake all done with mirrors and trick of the light, all their tricks can be explained". The old man puffed his pipe blew out a huge cloud of smoke and said "true young man but what was brought forth was not from this world but an other, and it happened so fast out side this very door step no one is sure what happned". "What a lod of rubbish, you mean to say that a woman from another world broke that lamp and who is the girl who looks like my sister, you have not mentioned her" said Tom now getting his second wind back. The old man looked at June "the girl did not live in that house she was a friend of the young boy, she looks like you but you are taller" "Oh get to the point" snapped Tom "what happened to her?" The old man drew on his pipe paused a while then blew out the smoke it rose up into the air in a straight colum. "Nothing happened to her she came back along with the boy and the magician" "Back! back from where?" said June. "As I said it happened so fast, the magician, the two kids,the woman,the cabby driver and his horse all vanished" said the old man. "You talk a lod of rubbish" said Tom "now there is a cabby and a horse". The old man slumped his shoulders and said "I know it's hard to belive I can hardly belive it myself but the fact is that three came back and three didn't, the woman was never seen again, she gave her name as the empress Jadis, the police at the time inquired to all the royal houses in europe and no one ever heard of her,the cabby was never seen again and what's more his wife also vanished, Scotland Yard have the case right up there with Jack the Ripper".


All three the old man and Tom and June where in a state of thought digesting what was told when their calm was broken by the young man "Right dad I have put that job back to tomorow but it will be an early start and since you have done nothing today I hope you are fit for it I have moved the heavy stuff into the house while you where telling fairy stories to the kids, now do you think you can lift the lighter stuff"? The old man went into the van and lifted one of the boxs his son had sorted out for him, he then left the van and went into the house. "Your dad is not able for that " said June "he was nearly killed carrying the last box". The young man looked at June and said "I love my father after all it was his grandfather who started the firm, my father is old and his mind wanders he dose not pay any heed to what I tell him". "But you made him carry a box that was too heavy for him" said June. "No I didn't if my father took the time to read the writting on the box he would have not picked up the wrong one it's always the same when we deliver in this street, he talks about the same old thing to any one and he belives it just because his great grandfather was here when it happened. "But what about the lamp? said June "why is it still here?" The young man sighed "the stories my father tells, the lamp is still here because the Prof Digory insested that it should not be replaced, I don't see why since he moved in to the country and my fathers firm moved all his stuff, by the way your mother is making your lunch and is waiting for you."
 
There is such a thing as realism EVEN in a fantasy; and you have done it right. The way Tom, June and the worker talked among themselves really IS the way people might talk about an unusual object in the middle of a city. You are doing well so far.

Note that more paragraph separations are good to have. The separations I have made in this copy of your latest section are just a for-instance.

Thank you Copperfox glad you like it so far and I will try and put more paragraphs in it now that you have showen me, it's a long time since I have written anything and I am rusty. And again I am glad of any help you can give me.:)
 
Jadis-W, have you ever looked at the permanent thread here in Writing Club that is called Marketplace of Technique? It was created for the exact purpose of members helping each other along with writing skills.
 
Jadis-W, have you ever looked at the permanent thread here in Writing Club that is called Marketplace of Technique? It was created for the exact purpose of members helping each other along with writing skills.


No Copperfox I did not know that but I will look into it. I liked your edited version it was easier to read than mine and I will draw from that, feel free to say where I go wrong as all help is greafull.
 
A great story so far, and I'm looking forward to reading more. I think that the younger removal man needs reminding to honour his parents!

Thank you Corin glad you like it so far and it is a story that has many twists and turns. I am writting it as I go along I have the plot in my head and when I type it and it it dose not get posted I have to log out and log in again and re-type it which is madding but I will keep at it
 
The old man came back out of the house went into the van and lifted another box and headed back towards the house. " Dad leave that" said his son. "The kids are going to have their lunch and we mite as well have ours; Lets go down to that pub and have a cold beer and a pie". The old man put the box back into the van came out and said "No you go on son, Mrs May has asked me if I want a cup of tea and anyway I can't smoke my pipe in there".
"You and your pipe dad, you know that it will kill you someday" the son said. The old man looked at Tom and June out of the corner of his eyes and smiled. "Well at least it will be by something I enjoy and not something I don't" he replied. "Ok dad see you in an hour then" and he went of down the street to the pub.
"Tom June lunch is ready" came a voice from the doorstep, it was their mother "and Mr Todd do you take milk and sugar?" she stood in the door step with a cup in one hand and a plastic beaker in the other.
"Tom come and help me find the rest of the cups" she said waving the cup in the air; "It's not the same taste in a plastic one and I am sure Mr Todd dose not want his Tea in a Dora the Explorer beaker". She went back inside still waving the cup in the air. "Can't find anything when you want it, typical" she muttered as she went up the hall.
Tom and June giggled to each other. "That's mum, always in a tiz about something" said June; "Come on we may go and give her a hand".
 
The three then set of towards the house, they crossed the doorstep and suddenly Tom stopped, he looked at the old plastered walls and the staircase. "I thought it would be modern" he exclaimed "this looks like it has not been refurbished at all, the walls are all bowed and that staircase looks like a thing from a Gothic film". Mr Todd walked up to the staircase and rested his hand on the lions head that was carved into the thick wood at the bottom of the stairs
"My dear boy" he said "this is a listed building and as such you can not rip out things and replace them, this building has history and all the original fittings can't be removed, you can repaint, put modern appliances in but you can't touch it's original features". "What a downer, my posters my are going to great pinned up on uneven walls" said Tom. "Blast your posters Tom, come on mother has lunch ready and I am hungry" snapped June and she went up the hall to the kitchen. Tom and Mr Todd exchanged glances and then followed her.
 
I am writing it as I go along; I have the plot in my head, and when I type it and it it does not get posted, I have to log out and log in again and re-type it which is maddening, but I will keep at
it.

Does this problem happen only with _online_ typing? Maybe you could type each new section in a word-processing program, which is not an internet function; then _copy_ what you've written into this TDL thread.
 
Does this problem happen only with _online_ typing? Maybe you could type each new section in a word-processing program, which is not an internet function; then _copy_ what you've written into this TDL thread.

Thanks Copperfox, what I am doing now is typing it in microsoft word, print it and re-type it here. Slow I know but at least it's on paper can I can copy it and don't have to try and remember every word when I post it on here. :)
 
Mrs May was putting the teapot down on the table when June entered the kitchen. "June about time it's over ten minutes since I called you: Lift that plate of sandwiches and put them on the table for me please and where is your brother and Mr Todd"? she asked. "They are in the hall debating about walls and staircases" replied June as she lifted the plate and brought it to the table.
"Walls and staircases! and here I am looking in every box I labelled and still I can't find what I am looking for". June then remembered the old man carrying the box and realised it was not his son's fault but her mothers for labelling them incorrectly. She then felt sorry for telling the young man off.
Tom and Mr Todd came into the kitchen still talking about the staircase. "That staircase is old fashioned and out of date, so why can't we replace it with a new one"? Tom asked. Mr Todd was about to answer him when Mrs May saw them come in, "Ah Tom at last; Enough talk about walls and stairs, I called you ages ago now sit down and have your lunch". Tom sat down and lifted a sandwich rolling his eyes as he did so. "Your never around when I need you just like your father" she looked at Mr Todd "forgive me it's all the stress of moving". She pulled a chair from under the table and waved Mr Todd to it. "Please sit down, my husband would have to be on a business trip just as we moved".
 
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Mr Todd sat down and his eyes met Mrs Mays "I know how stressful moving can be I have helped many people to move, some find it hard and some easy but it always works out in the end" Mrs May sighed "Yes I know but my husbands trip to the U.S could not have come at a worse time and I wish he was here as he is better at organising things than me" she said as she poured out the tea.
 
Mr Todd lent back in his chair took out his pipe "May I smoke"? he asked. "Why yes of course I don't mind at all. my husband smokes cigars so I am used to the smell; And do help your self to the sandwiches" said Mrs May "and Tom get Mr Todd an ashtray if you can find one in one of those boxes".
Tom left the table and went to the closet box to him, he rummaged about in the box thinking to himself "Ashtray! ashtray! mum couldn't find cups let alone ashtrays in these boxes".
 
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Mr Todd lit up his pipe looked around the room "I think you are the right sort of people for this house, it has history; I know it's old but it's not what it looks like but what is inside it, it is love that makes it a home" he drew on his pipe and blew out a little smoke, "the previous owners loved this house and I know you will too in time once you get settled in". Tom hearing Mr Todd's remark sprang up from the box he was kneeling over. "What dose the kind of people got to do with anything a house is a house: The previous owners according to you where a mad magican and a nutty profesor, a strange woman who vanished, how do we know that they did not kill her and hid her somewhere so where is the love there"? he exclaimed. "Tom! that is no way to talk to an old man, I have brought you up better than that. Apologue now" his mother snapped, she looked at Mr Todd "I am sorry Mr Todd but it seems that the move has also upset my childern as well". Tom went red in the face "Sorry Mr Todd" he said humbely. Mr Todd rose from his chair and took Mrs May's hand "Don't worry your self about it I have heard worse; The lad was only letting of steam" he looked over to Tom "he is like my son their bark is worse than their bite".
"Dad dad where are you" came a voice from the hall. It was Mr Todd's son back from his lunch, he entered the kitchen "Ah there you are come on we have to get the rest of the stuff inside" and he turned and went back up the hall to the van. Mr Todd puffed his pipe "well I may go and give him a hand; Thank you for the tea, and every thing will turn out all right you'll see" he then went up the hall to help his son.
Mrs May.Tom and June were left standing as if frozen in time at his words, they seemed so soft and warm. "Come on Tom lets go back into the street and ask Mr Todd more about the house" June finaly said. The two children turned to go after the old man, "Oh no you don't come back here at once" said their mother "you have caused enough trouble for one day and you are only keeping them back from their work". "But mum" said June, "No buts or ifs you can go and tidy up the back garden that will keep you out of the way for a few hours" and she lifted the plates and put them in the sink.
Tom and June lowered their heads "Ok mum" they both said and went to the back door.
"I wonder what excitement lies behind this door"? said Tom in a sarcastic tone as he turned the brass handle.


The Garden and Beyoud.
 
True Corin they do get a lot more than they bargained for and a whole lot more. Yes we know what's buried in the garden but they don't and as I said this story will have twists and turns. I hope you like it so far.
 
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