Hailey's Comet (A Memoir)

Yeah, sometimes there has to be an intervention. It needs to be done gently; it isn't as if Hailey had been stealing cars or setting people's houses on fire.

LOL, I agree. Hailey hasn't broken any law or intentionally harmed anyone, and she did ask her mom and sister for help when she first wanted to lose weight. But Hailey's got a lot to learn about her own family dynamics and herself. More to come soon.
 
June 17th

Mum is watching my every meal! I don't even get to serve my own plate. Everything is portioned out in front of me and I'm expected to eat it all. It makes me really sad, and afraid that I will gain back all the weight that I lost last month. But my relationship with my mother is more important.
This is hard. And I don't even understand it. I want Mum to forgive me and for everything to be back to normal so bad! But I am so terrified to gain any weight back and I feel sad and anxious and ... overwhelmed with emotion that I don't know what to do with and it's driving me up the wall!

She is talking to me again at least. And I think she's trying to "uncover something" but I'm afraid there's nothing there. I mean I'm not trying to hide anything now, I just want everything to be alright again.

Mum told me she has struggled with her weight for a long time, I already knew that. But what I didn't know is that she used to purge meals when she "made bad choices" and has a rubbish friend who encouraged her, even told her that's what she needed to do.
She was doing it for a while before a pastor at a church approached her and somehow knew what she was doing and told her she needed to stop. She felt like God told that pastor to approach her. She told Dad and just stopped.
I was completely surprised when she told me but she seemed almost irritated to bring it up. She was almost disgusted with her own story. I feel so confused about that... she has completely different emotions about it that I would, or do...

She's been talking to me a lot more; especially on our car rides to my voice lessons. Things are uncomfortable but better than her being irate with me. I feel so small, and young. I'm seventeen, I wish I had more freedom and choice in my life. But at least I have Mum.
 
In a way, only in a sort of roundabout way, teenagers may have been BETTER OFF when the world was full of disease and famine and imperial conquests and barbarian raids and wild animals. Back then, a teenager was too busy trying to stay alive AT ALL, to worry so much about body image and self-esteem. :rolleyes:
 
In a way, only in a sort of roundabout way, teenagers may have been BETTER OFF when the world was full of disease and famine and imperial conquests and barbarian raids and wild animals. Back then, a teenager was too busy trying to stay alive AT ALL, to worry so much about body image and self-esteem. :rolleyes:

True but a lot of body image and self esteem issues aren't always really about what they appear to be about. Deeper issues often hide themselves in general insecurities etc.
But the dangers in our world today are simply DIFFERENT than the ones back in the day. Not better.
 
June 24th

I saw my mates in town yesterday. They know something is going on but are not pressing the issue and I appreciate that. I just want to forget about it all and move on.
Some of my restrictions are being removed. I'm going to celebrate Lynn's birthday with Jaymie and Michelle this weekend.
In a little over a week I'm getting on a plane with Michelle and we will be abroad for a whole month! I cannot wait to get away for a little while. Be on my own, do what I love.

I tried on the dress for the audition the other night a freaked out because it wasn't fitting properly. But several bottles of water and trips to the bathroom later, it was fine. I'm not used to so much salt.

I wonder if Josh is looking forward to being an only child for a few weeks. He's been great. Pretending nothing ever happened, not bringing it up and trying his best not to be weird around me.

There are so many things going through my brain and I can't concentrate very well. I'm so looking forward to the distraction of being completely immersed in music and writing.
I have my schedule and teachers names and all my documents together and everything. I'll be taking music theory, audio recording technology, musical theater, chorus, private voice coaching and a free lab to actually record some music in the studios.
I've met a couple of other students online, (though I'm still watched on the computer to make sure I'm not on the forum.) Natalie and her best friend Jason. Jason plays guitar so I'm hoping maybe he can accompany a song for me to record. He and Natalie have a class or two with me and since Michelle and I will only be in choir together it's nice to already know, or know of someone else who will be at this huge program.
We've made arrangements to meet up on the first day and I'm excited to meet them.

The closer I get to leaving, the easier things are around here. I think a break might be what everyone needs to ease some of the tension I put on the place.

Nine more days until I'm living my dream; nothing but music for three and a half weeks.
 
July 6th

I'm here! Finally. Michelle and I are got settled in our little flat here and went out to the main hall where all the announcements are made and they take a group picture.
We met up with Natalie and Jason there and they are as excited as we are. I can already tell we will be good friends. No classes today as everyone gets checked in and settled in their rooms.

The common room is awesome and where everyone hangs out. I'm getting to know a lot of people. Everyone here is really friendly and accepting. I think I thought it would be more competitive, but it's not at all what I thought. I've called home and checked in with Mum and all seems well.
This is going to be a great adventure. I can just tell.
Tonight we have an assembly and then everyone will go to what will be their first class just to get accustomed to where it is on campus, and to get to meet the instructor and peers.
My first class is theory. And I'm a bit nervous as I know I don't know much about the technical side of music but I'm willing to push myself to learn.
I feel so excited and comfortable here.
This is going to be a marvelous month.
 
July 10th

What an incredible mix of emotions!
I have been working with a pianist on my song after Jason felt piano would be better but when I sang it for Jason and another mate in a couple of my classes, RJ, they both said it was brilliant... me, something I created brilliant! No one has ever said anything like that to me!
I'm going to enter the talent show with my original song if the piano player will do it with me.
And I'm recording it in audio technology. I'm getting to know so many neat people and learning so much about music and creativity!
This is like a dream come true. It's exhausting but in the best possible way.

It's definitely different being the only person here who does studies at home and everyone else thinks so differently from me. Natalie and Michelle told me I need to be careful around RJ if I don't like him because I've been flirting. I swore that I wasn't but honestly, I don't know if I would know that or not. I haven't really been in such an upbeat social setting before. I wonder what Mum would think about all this. I feel guilty for being a bit to friendly and I have no idea how I really feel about this guy! It's so easy just to get caught up in the excitement of the program.

We are going to a type of theme park or carnival this weekend, and the group that Michelle and I have been hanging with are all going to be there so we are planning on sticking together.

I'm already being labeled naive and innocent. It makes me fee like an idiot and a child. I know plenty about the world, I just choose not to partake in what a lot of people my age may consider normal.

I want to fit in but I'm sticking to my beliefs.
 
July 29th

It's late. Michy and I are packing up our stuff and will be headed down to the common room to spend our last night with our mates.
It's been incredible. My original song was one of only ten acts to make it into the talent show and the audience was wonderful! People i didn't even know were complimenting me after the show. I have never felt so much joy and success.

there was a costume party a few days ago and Michelle and I placed with our Animal Control idea... well it was really Emma's idea. We took old clothes and sewed stuffed animals onto them and wrote out "Animal Control" on our tops. It was a big hit, people were taking photos every which way and for once I didn't mind having my photo taken. Everything here has been so much fun i haven't felt so confident in a long time.

The recording of my song went really well and now I have it on disc to bring home. Natalie and I got to do a duet in musical theater and it was so much fun and so well received. We practiced it a lot and would find people hiding and they'd tell us how wonderful it sounded.
Chorus had a performance that I loved being a part of and I've really enjoyed my time with RJ, Natalie, Jason, Elle, and Dia. My new mates. We all have similar beliefs and convictions about God and church and faith and life... which is very uncommon in the performing arts.
After the costume party we all ended up out on the porch of our dorm and with a few guitars and several singers we started an impromptu praise and worship session. By the time curfew was called the porch was crowded with people who had come to join us! It was amazing!
I'm going to miss these guys so much. We've exchanged mobile numbers and have said we will keep in touch, and I hope we will.

There is one more assembly tomorrow morning and then everyone leaves. I never would have thought I could become so close to people in a matter of weeks but we have shared a lot of who we are and what we've been through and a lot of my new mates haven't had it easy.

We had a good time on our trip to the theme park and had a lot of good conversations at lunch. We all shared a giant pizza which I had mixed feelings about but I only ate one slice.
It started raining at one point and we all piled into a tele booth. The laughter we've shared is beyond anything I can remember.
And the way we have all sort of bonded together is like nothing else. Jason told me my song about Matt, the one I recorded and performed, fit really well with his own story, about his mom.
The fact that my music has touched several people here, but specifically people I've come to know and befriend makes me feel amazing.

We supposedly have a curfew tonight even though it's our last so I'm going to get downstairs to the common room. It's too bad this has to end.
 
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It can be surprising _which_ young people will have particularly severe confidence problems. When I lived in Maryland, I knew a teenage girl named Becky at my church. Becky had absolutely _every_ quality I could have desired in a girlfriend if I'd been a teenager then: physically beautiful, talented, smart, spiritual, friendly, courteous.... but she eventually revealed to me that _she_ had been through a siege of depression and self-injury. That was an OMG!!!


I have been working with a pianist on my song after Jason felt piano would be better but when I sang it for Jason and another mate in a couple of my classes, RJ, they both said it was brilliant... me, something I created brilliant! No one has ever said anything like that to me! I'm going to enter the talent show with my original song if the piano player will do it with me.

When someone feels inadequate in one category, like the especially obvious caregory of bodily build, sometimes the answer is to CHANGE CATEGORIES. Susan Boyle, for instance, will never be a supermodel, but she _earned_ respect with her talent.
 
August 1st

I was so excited to come home and share all of my stories, photos, and recordings with my family. Especially when I learned Matt was home. My parents dutifully listened to several songs in the car on the way home from the airport and to my excited ramblings. They didn't have much to say in return though, and when we were back home I tried to show them pictures but didn't quite feel like they were paying attention.
I showed Matt my song I recorded about him and could tell he was touched and that was more compliment than I ever would have needed. Dad said it was a wonderful song as well, but all in all, the response I got at home was nothing compared to the program and in a sense, I was alright with that because those few weeks were special and sectioned off from the rest of the world.

My mates and I have already been texting like crazy. Everyone feels strange back at home now and we are all so far away.
I found out from Jason that RJ was really hoping for more of a relationship with me. I am flattered but sort of frustrated with myself. I know I confused him with mixed signals and apparently I made him think he didn't have a chance with me but mainly that would have been because I was afraid of getting in trouble with Mum if I came home with a boyfriend she knew nothing about, but in telling her all about camp she completely called me out in the fact that I'm kind of sweet on RJ. She seems to think its fine.
I've been talking to him a little more and he flat out asked me if I had avoided him at the end of camp on purpose. I tried to explain how I was afraid of what the "protocol" might be in our family rules and he laughed at me.
"Hailey, you are such a good girl." was that a compliment?
He and some other guys at the program had said things like that to me on a number of occasions. Being pure and sweet and innocent. And I want to be those things, but not in a childish ignorant type of way so I get mixed feelings when I hear people say things like that to me.
Anyway, one conversation led to the other and I have a boyfriend. And at seventeen it's fairly strange that he'd be my first boyfriend but he is. And I'm okay with that.
 
August 30th

All me mates are back in school now, and my days are starting to feel quiet and lonely. Me and Josh don't resume our studies until next week. I can't believe it will be my graduating year.
Growing up happens so fast. It's sort of caught me off guard.

RJ is wonderful. We talk almost every day and he encourages me to read my Bible more and to be more open minded about our church. RJ really likes to push me to be more open minded about a lot of things, or at least try not to care so much about what other people do or think.
I wonder if he thinks I'm wound too tight.
We are so different. He goes to a big public school and is very academically inclined with all of these plans for his future and scholarships to universities all over, and he's very talented with music as well. I miss him so much! I wish he didn't live so far away. His Dad doesn't live far from here but he lives with his Mum. He said he would try to visit me over Christmas, and Natalie is planning to stay between Christmas and New Year. I'm glad I'll get to see some of my mates before next summer.

Emma has returned from Africa. And all of her pictures and stories seem so much more interesting to everyone than mine were. She traveled farther and longer than I did. She had more interesting adventures than I did, and her new long distance boyfriend is so much more important than mine.
I don't understand how this has happened my whole life. I do something and Emma either does the same thing with better outcome or goes a few steps further and everyone just adores her! Why is my life so much less important or interesting? I don't want to compete with my sister and I'm really not trying to, I don't want more or better than her, just the same treatment. Especially from Mum. Why is Emma so much closer to her than I am?

I've been going to volleyball practice but before the season really kicks off I think I'm gonna pursue theater instead. These girls aren't like me and I want to be more involved int the arts. There's an audition next week.
This year is going to be different, I can feel it.
 
>> RJ is wonderful. We talk almost every day and he encourages me to
>> read my Bible more and to be more open minded about our church...


Ha ha, excellent! The militant "orthodoxy" of the secular culture would _never_ allow any possibility that an "open mind" could be in _favor_ of the Christian faith!
 
September 29th

Today is the anniversary of Matt's cancer diagnosis. Even though he isn't sick anymore, it's a heavy day, for all of us, but especially Mum.
It feels so strange to remember that day, and Matt is still struggling. He has finished Uni but is having a hard time finding a job. Dad says its the economy, but it's certainly getting to him.
I was talking to RJ about it earlier but he didn't understand.
"put it out of your mind Hali." he told me "it's just a memory now, don't let it bring you down."
Nothing ever bothers RJ. I've never seen or heard him get angry or upset about anything. And to be honest that kind of bothers me because I know I can be an emotional person and I feel like I have to try to let everything roll off now and it's a huge task.

Emma and Josh tease me about RJ all the time but I know it's in good fun and Emma's in the same boat anyway.
Everything is back to normal with the family. I don't quite feel like I fit unless I'm absorbed in my music and writings.

I saw Jaymie and Lynn the other day. Michelle and I have been telling them all about our summer and let them hear some songs.
Michelle is buried in school work already and Lynn is following suit but Jaymie does home studies as well and we tend to have more free time so we have been spending a bit more time with each other now that school has started back up. It's been like that since we were ten but we are growing up now. The four of us spend more time together doing revision and writing than actually having nights out. But any time that I'm with them, instead of on my own at the house, is worth it.
 
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>> RJ is wonderful. We talk almost every day and he encourages me to
>> read my Bible more and to be more open minded about our church...


Ha ha, excellent! The militant "orthodoxy" of the secular culture would _never_ allow any possibility that an "open mind" could be in _favor_ of the Christian faith!

True but even Christians can end up a little too open minded if we aren't careful.
 
Tell me about it! I once got banned from a supposedly Christian Bible-study group, for the "offense" of insisting that it actually makes a difference whether one believes in Jesus as Lord or not!
 
October 11th

It's getting colder now. RJ is always in the middle of something lately. Extra Curriculars, school, work. Everything has really taken off for everyone.
I should have stayed in volleyball. I didn't get a part in the theater production I auditioned for and I feel like the only person who isn't immersed in the business of life. Even school has been a breeze so far.
It's too quiet.

Mum and Dad checked off on Natalie and RJ to come down for a visit between Christmas and New Year. And Jason may turn up as well, as he'll be visiting his Dad about four hours from here.
It will be so lovely to see everyone again. RJ has always been so complimentary of my looks, it's made me feel like a new person, but there's a strange sort of pressure and... fear of not seeing him for so many months, will I look different? I've decided to really kick it up. Start running and getting more fit.
He called me the other day while I was on a jog and asked what I was doing. I told him and he said he couldn't wait to see me this winter, that if I kept this up I'd be even more smashing. While I understood the flattery behind his words I couldn't help but feel slightly disappointing in his excitement over an even fitter looking me. Am I not plenty lovely now? I know he would say that I am but any time we talk about exercising or eating properly he gets excited to see the new me and what if I haven't changed as much as he expects once he gets here? I mean, what if I don't measure up to his new expectations?

We've recently begun attending a new church. Dad resigned as pastor of our previous church when he realized in a meeting that the other leaders of the church weren't interesting in finding ways to reach more people, or share the gospel. They just wanted to attract people exactly like themselves. Well, when Dad told them that wasn't in keeping with what we are called to do, they didn't change their minds, so we left... and I'm glad. I think they'll end up more like an occult than a church anyway.
The church we have been visiting is great. One of my only good mates from volleyball is here. Angie, her dad happens to be the pastor of this church and being a minister's daughter, we have a lot in common.
There is a student retreat next month and I've decided to go. Angie's even encouraged me and Josh to get on the student worship team, which I think I'd really enjoy.
Maybe I haven't given up on church in general.
 
November 3rd

Student's Retreat is this weekend. I'm excited, they've set up the church in a sort of concert theme and me and Angie are helping lead the worship all weekend. The biggest thing is that we aren't allowed to text or phone anyone during the retreat so that we stay focused on what's important. I can see how that's good for everyone but I hate not being able to talk to RJ. Since he's not here, the only way I can spend any time with him is on the phone.
But rules are rules.

The other day I told RJ about some rude guys that made some dumb comments to me while Jaymie and Lynn and I were out.
I sort of laughed it off.
"Well what do you expect Hail? You're a bombshell. Guys are always gonna be lookin' at you."
I guess I kind of expected more of an angry reaction. Or maybe more of a protective or even possessive comment.
Sometimes RJ's open minded, down to earth thinking just doesn't fit the moment. At least in terms of what I need.

I got to sing the National Anthem at a golf tournament this afternoon. It was from an audition I did somewhere else and didn't get in, but I guess I made an impression because they passed on my information to this tournament.
It was great and I got some nice thank you gifts in return.

Josh and I are spending more time together as we are both on the worship team in Student Ministry and now we share a lot of the same friends.
Jaymie is coming to Student Retreat too, and the church.

Mum and Emma were being "exclusive" the other night, and just on my case in general. Both of them just doin' me head in.
I called RJ and vented to him about it and he listened for a while and then tried to get me to see things from Emma's perspective!
"Why do you let them get to you. I don't think they're out to get you, Hailey, they're your family." That was it, I had a little snap.
"You don't get it, do you? It's been like this my whole life. It drives me up the wall. And they don't have any right to talk to me about how much time I spend on what, it's like they don't care."
"Hail, what are you going on about?" RJ stopped me.
"I... well, Emma just thinks she can tell me what to do all the time and with little side comments she makes me feel ... you wouldn't understand." I was so frustrated.
"Try me. What wouldn't I understand?"
"I... had a little problem with food, OK? And whenever Emma says something about what I eat, or what she and Mum eat or calorie counting or whatever, it just feels insensitive."
"A problem with food?" He asked me. Really? I had to explain this to him?
"I got really extreme is all. Stopped eating for a while. And I'm not like that anymore but things still get to me. Make me anxious. And Emma and Mum are always talking about diets and weight and calories and food."
"Hailey, you don't need to worry about all that stuff. You're plenty gorgeous."
"Thanks." I sighed. He didn't get it. I knew he wouldn't. But it wasn't worth going on about. At this point I'm not sure if anyone would understand the inside of my mind.

Josh and I are headed out for worship rehearsal, This weekend is going to be great!
 
November 14th

Well, Student Retreat did not at all go as planned.
Everyone met up at an ice rink to begin with, and without skates we played a sort of made up game called "broom ball." It's pretty much hockey with brooms and soft light weight balls instead of hockey sticks and pucks. And it was really fun. But everyone fell down a lot which meant most of us had cold wet clothes by the end of it, and I don't know if that was a factor or not but all the running around and things, I got really dehydrated or something and couldn't catch my breath. My face started to get tingly and numb but we were headed back to our host home anyway and I knew I just needed some water.
It was hours into the night before I finally felt at ease enough to fall asleep.
The next day was great, we had a morning session and an afternoon outside playing games. I actually got involved in an American football game. The one that's like rugby. It was a laugh!
That night when getting ready for the evening session I realized that my shirt still wasn't dry from the night before.
I got loaned a shirt but it was shorter on me than what I'm used to wearing and made me feel so much wider.
I was so uncomfortable and leading worship in that session was awful because they had cameras and monitors and I could see myself too much and it was horrifying, I just wanted to disappear.
After worship I slipped to the bathroom and near tears, I called RJ for some comfort.
"Hail, you just gotta remember why you're there hun. Don't worry about the cosmetic stuff, try to get into the study and deepen your understanding and relationship with God."
"I know, and I was doing just fine until I had to wear these clothes and then the stupid monitors are all over the room and I couldn't not see myself and I look horrible. This shirt is too short and tight and just calls attention to my problem areas... And I.."
"Hailey, you are beautiful. Stop worrying, enjoy yourself. I'll see you in a few weeks. Alright?""
I sighed and said goodbye. I wish he could understand, or at least take me seriously. Am I asking too much? I just feel like he doesn't get it.
But he was right, he would be here in a few weeks and seeing him would make everything better.
I got through the rest of the weekend just fine and really enjoyed it, for the most part.
It's senior year, Christmas and visits from good mates next month, my birthday in January, Valentine's Day it February and then Prom in March.
It's going to be a good year.
 
December 2nd

All the Christmas decorations are up. It's beautiful! I love twinkly lights outside when it get's dark. It's so romantic and whimsical.
It's getting a lot colder here too!
Natalie sent me her flight confirmation and is due to arrive on the 27th.
RJ is driving in with his dad and should be here sometime in the afternoon on the 28th as should Jason! And Michelle is going to miss most of it due to her family traveling. But I'm so excited to see everyone again. Natalie is really talented in photography and she's going to do my senior photos. I'm more comfortable with that than with another adult photographer because Natalie knows a lot of my insecurities and she will let me view and comment on the photos during the session so that we make sure to get some great ones.

Emma is hoping her African boyfriend G, will be able to visit over Christmas as well. It's a bit more complicated for him as getting into the country comes with a lot of hoops to jump through.
I hope for her sake that he does get to come and we can all have a wonderful holiday!
 
December 30th

RJ left today. So Michell, who just got back, and Natalie and I went shopping. I had a wonderful few days.
We went walking in gorgeous parks, took hilarious pictures, went to a movie and stayed at the house just enjoying each other's company.
RJ asked my dad if he could take me to his prom. My dad said he would consider it! I so hope he says yes. I would love that!
My family and Michelle and Natalie are going to a dinner tonight. Emma is really upset G couldn't get here this year but is holding up pretty well.
We saw Jason for one day but has a great time. We had just one evening that overlapped everyone being here.
We got to exchange Chriatmas gifts and enjoy a meal at our house. It was so much fun!
I hate to see everyone go. Tonight is Natalie's last night as well. She flies out in the morning.
I've loved our time together. It's unreal, just like the summer holiday.
The next time we see each other will be in July, seven months away! Unless I get to go to prom with JR in March!
Well, I'm going to get ready for dinner and enjoy my last day with Natalie.
 
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