At The Steakhouse

The original Robinson family robot from the old "Lost in Space" TV series entered the steakhouse just after Puffy, which made the ambulatory fungus feel safer. The robot's head being remarkably suggestive of a mushroom cap, he distracted over-eager mushroom-eaters from Puffy, and was better able to defend himself against them.
 
Some animal-rights activists barged in, yelling at Puffy for eating ants. The Lost in Space robot threw them out on their backsides.

Meanwhile, Shangpo the Orangutan collected his extra heads and stored them in the meat locker, in case he ever might need to replace the head currently on his orange-haired neck.
 
The same animal-rights activists who wanted to save as many animals as they could didn't give a fig for starving people in other countries whose main food staples included the meat from various rare animals and insects, including ants. As long as no animal died, it didn't matter to them how many children would starve to death.
 
What's more, those activists were eager to introduce Red China's forced-abortion policy to the United States. Yet in all they did, they still managed to keep straight faces when they said publicly that it was "for the children." Only when they were away from crowds and cameras did they burst out laughing at the suckers who fell for their song-and-dance.
 
The same animal-rights activists, being closed-minded as they were, threatened to sue the old group America, first for neglect because they failed to name their famous horse. Second, for animal abuse because they were tossing "alligator lizards in the air," they quoted.
 
Meanwhile, back at the steakhouse, a spoiled, narcissistic 15-year-old boy came in and loudly declared that this quasi-roleplay was now all about him and how cool he was.

Shangpo groaned, "At least the questing princesses usually had pretty horses."

The Robinson robot urged the bratty teenager to go to the Calvinball thread.
 
Meanwhile, Bat-Bat joined Puffy at his table and tried some toasted ants too and declared them perfectly OK!
 
Somewhere in a city, there lived a teenage boy who was a huge fan of pirate movies. He simply could not imagine anything more wicked-cool than men who didn't want to do honest work, and who therefore plundered other people to gain unearned, undeserved wealth.

Therefore, when he was beaten and robbed on a downtown street by members of the Mara Salvatrucha gang, he rejoiced in having been useful to men who were cool and sophisticated like the on-screen pirates.
 
Somewhere in a city, there lived a teenage boy who was a huge fan of pirate movies. He simply could not imagine anything more wicked-cool than men who didn't want to do honest work, and who therefore plundered other people to gain unearned, undeserved wealth.

Therefore, when he was beaten and robbed on a downtown street by members of the Mara Salvatrucha gang, he rejoiced in having been useful to men who were cool and sophisticated like the on-screen pirates.

Unfortunately one of those goofs was somewhat good looking and of course all the thirteen-year-old girls developed a crush on him, not caring at all about his abhorrent behavior.
 
A man who looked like a wimpy accountant came into the Bingleys' Gunslinger Steakhouse with the air of a hunted man, even an escaped slave. He looked anxiously around at the variety of guests always to be seen in this place, then gathered his courage and said softly:

"Two plus two is four. Water is made from hydrogen and oxygen. The Earth rotates toward the east. Verbs have past, present and future tenses, with participle variations. Salamanders are amphibians. And....marriage between men and women is fundamental to civilization."

Jane Bennet Bingley came up to greet the new arrival in time to hear him utter this peculiar speech. "Welcome, sir. Everything you just said is perfectly true, and you have every right to say it; but without offense, may I be permitted my curiosity as to why you said it just now?"

Looking relieved, the stranger explained: "Where I come from, what I just said would get me accused of hate speech."

"What, sir, did you just come from the Dancing Lawn Insane Asylum?"

"No, ma'am; I came from a rather larger asylum."
 
"Really?" asked Jane. "What part of that would get you accused of hate speech? In your asylum, do they so hate amphibians? Or verb conjugation?"

The man seemed bolstered by this line of questioning. Nervously licking his lips and glancing around, he seemed to come to a decision. Drawing himself to his full height, he threw out his chest and announced in a firm, clear voice:

"One of the main goals of marriage is children! Children deserve an intact home with one father and one mother who love, provide for, and rear them! Those who undertake marriage should be willing to endure trials to keep their family intact! Governments should implement laws that encourage family unity and responsible childraising because those are social goods that will benefit the culture at large!

"Now I'm really in trouble..." the man muttered as he concluded his outburst.
 
The trouble was not long in coming. Suddenly, the steakhouse was invaded by a swarm of thirteen-year-old girls, every one of whom had previously been riding a horse on a lonely quest which no one else could understand. Although these girls had been cured of this delusion--partly due to the expense of maintaining a horse--not all of them had completely come around to good sense. Those of the girls who were LESS recovered mentally, took up the fashionable cry that the mousy man's declaration was indeed hate speech, and they began threatening the man. The other girls, having benefitted by the wisdom of a certain Lady Sarah, came to the man's defense, and so a grand brawl began.
 
Suddenly the door burst open. In strode a tall mysterious being whose eyes glowed with saffron fire, hair floated as if in an unfelt etherial breeze, and armor glinted with silver and gold. As he walked his boots shook the floor with percussive force, his chain mail jingled and his breath came and went in a harsh sibilant hiss.

"Listen well," he thundered in a resonant bass, "I have come for the one called Khilbarton."

"He's not here," the barkeep said. "This is Eleven Oh One Solon Drive. He's at Eleven Ten."

"Oh, my mistake," the being said, wiping his crimson-stained sword. "Sorry about your bouncer."

Out strode the mysterious being, his eyes glowing with saffron fire, his boots shaking the floor with percussive force, his chain mail jingling, and his breath coming and going with a harsh sibilant hiss.
 
In the midst of all this drama, the young girls were still circling the mousy-looking truth-speaker, chanting oprahisms:

"Never let anyone say you can't have your dreams!"
"Create the highest, grandest vision possible for your life, because you become what you believe.""
"Never give up your power to another person."
"Do you think this top looks good on me?"

The poor man was withering to the ground, clutching his ears against the onslaught. A stranger in a plain brown was sitting in a nearby booth, munching his ribeye and observing all this. Finally with a gesture of resignation he pushed his plate aside and elbowed his way through the ranting tartlets. He hoisted the man to his feet while watching the furor surrounding the resuscitated bouncer.

"Garn, I hate it when people get their sagas mixed up", he said. "C'mon, mac, let's get some protein in you. Out of the way, kid."

"What-EVER", the teenager whined as the stranger half-led, half-carried the intimidated accountant back to the booth.

"What'll y'have?"

"Um -", stammered the man, "maybe an iced decaf soy latte?"

The waitress looked at the stranger, mystified. He just growled and said, "Double black jake - he'll drink it." As the waitress walked off, the stranger fixed the accountant with a burning gaze...
 
Alas, the bouncer lost his job because stone doesn't bounce, but at least he got some gigs as a rock star.
 
Aslan kinda figured that, what with His being omnipotent God and all that, He did not care to have His actions gainsaid. So he told the White Witch, "YOU shut up and go back to being dead!"--and she had to do exactly that. Then He retroactively negated the bouncer having ever been petrified, yet still ALSO allowed him to be a rock star. Next He reminded the thirteen-year-old girls that half of them were supposed to be FOR the mousy man. So then the girls who were in favor of truth repented of having forgotten--and in the very midst of a food-fight against the bratty girls, began contemplating how they could perform some OTHER silliness on this thread without failing to support the truth-teller.
 
Aslan kinda figured that, what with His being omnipotent God and all that, He did not care to have His actions gainsaid. So he told the White Witch, "YOU shut up and go back to being dead!"--and she had to do exactly that. Then He retroactively negated the bouncer having ever been petrified, yet still ALSO allowed him to be a rock star. Next He reminded the thirteen-year-old girls that half of them were supposed to be FOR the mousy man. So then the girls who were in favor of truth repented of having forgotten--and in the very midst of a food-fight against the bratty girls, began contemplating how they could perform some OTHER silliness on this thread without failing to support the truth-teller.

"Alas for you, Dear Aslan,"said the Witch in a triumphant voice,"the Deep Magic has resurrected me for where there is Good there must be Evil to challenge it!" With her wand at hand, the Witch restarted the food-fight using Turkish Delight. The adolescents ducked under a table for it was well known by all, including Aslan, that the candy was as hard as rocks.
 
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