Looking for feedback on poem

[Glenburne]

I'm looking for feedback on a poem I wrote--it's based on a historical event that any Britons on the forum will likely be familiar with, but Americans probably won't be, unless they're into Celtic music. The poem is based on the Glencoe Massacre of 1692, in which a regiment of redcoat soldiers murdered, on orders from London, 38 MacDonalds of Glencoe, Scotland (many of whom actually went by the name MacIain). With their homes burning behind them, the surviving MacDonalds fled to the hills in an attempt to escape the redcoats. An unknown number perished from the winter cold.

There's a story about a soldier whose officer heard a baby cry somewhere in the hills and ordered the soldier to hunt it down and kill it. The soldier tracked the sound, but as he got closer, he heard the child's mother singing it a lullaby--the very same lullaby his MacDonald wife had been singing to their infant as he left home. The soldier gave the woman his plaid instead. He then killed an animal, and, with its blood on his sword to make it appear he had obeyed his officer, returned to the regiment. The child survived, and his descendants live in Glencoe to this day.

The italicized portions of the poem are put into meter from a translation of the woman's Gaelic lullaby, except for the last line, which I altered.

"The Cradle-song of Glencoe"

The hills bow in knowledge,
The greatness of poets
And pain of the young.
Cold, cold this night is my bed,
Cold, cold this night is my child.

The hills circle softly
To comfort the mother
And quiet the son.
Wind of the heights, your lulling;
Snow of the peaks, your cloak.

The hills tense their silence--
Rush after MacIains
Wolves not of the glen.
Lasting this night your sleep:
Sheltered, with you in my arm.

On hills creep the bloody
With sharpened fierce claymore
Beyond the bairn's ken.
Death's shadow creeps over me;
My love's warm pulse will not stir.

On hills creep the bloody--
The hills see the soldiers--
The plaid of the prowler,
Around them.
Cold, cold this night is my bed,
But warm this night is my child.

I seriously do want feedback, even if it is negative. I know my writing style has plenty of room to improve.

[Zella]

I think that's very good! And what an interesting story.

[Copperfox]

In past discussions of poetry on this forum, I have stated that writing without rhyme and without a strict meter can still be poetic by virtue of a harder-to-define sense of pattern in the words. Your poem upholds what I have said. It has what I might call a bardic feel to it. The only suggestion I would make, in view of the dramatic tale you gave in explanation, would be to ADD a verse clearly reflecting the soldier's act of mercy.

[Glenburne]

Good point. Perhaps rearranging a couple of the middle stanzas would make the poem clearer--I'll have to work on that.

[Glenburne]

Is this any clearer?

"The Cradle-song of Glencoe"

The hills bow in knowledge,
The greatness of poets
And pain of the young.
Cold, cold this night is my bed,
Cold, cold this night is my child.

The hills circle softly
To comfort the mother
And quiet the son.
Wind of the heights, your lulling;
Snow of the peaks, your cloak.

On hills creep the bloody
With sharpened fierce claymore
Beyond the bairn's ken.
Lasting this night your sleep:
Sheltered, with you in my arm.

Through hills stalks the soldier
His task forced upon him
Who wed a MacIain.
Death's shadow creeps over me;
My love's warm pulse will not stir.

In hills croons the mother,
Full heard by the prowler—
Who circles his plaid
Around them.
Cold, cold this night is my bed,
But warm this night is my child.

[Zella]

Much clearer! It seems to actually tell the story instead of just be about the story (if that makes sense). And I agree with what Copperfox said about writing without rhyme and strict meter; I don't usually like poems like that but this one works.

[Glenburne]

Well, to be honest, there is very little rhyme in it, but I did use a pretty regular meter. Not really blank verse, but similar to it.

[The Spanish Inquisition]

I found a bit of a rhyme! I'm smart!

Very nice (if a poem about a massacre can be nice....) I liked it a lot.

[Copperfox]

You did make it more comprehensible.

[Aslan's Child_1996]

I think that it was kinda cool.