nervous...

[devils_advocate_for_evil]

i saw what happened when mar was totally dissing that girls piece, and i have a piece of my own...but i dont want people to scoff...constructive critism is good, but i dont really like that erm "u suck" stuff, so yea, i just dont want that

[Kitanna]

Sometimes you just have to put it out there and see what happens. Even if you fall flat on your face. Ignore the negative criticism and take the constructive stuff and use it to help you.

[devils_advocate_for_evil]

random poem with an ok format that i wrote, dont scoff plz!
I am a girl of the Earth,
The Sun, the Moon, and the Sky,
Swirl around me in an endless cycle,
Mt. Everest looms white and majestic
Above the emerald plains and
The blue glittering snakelike rivers
The changing seasons engulf me
In an ever-spinning wheel of color


I am a girl of North America,
The many different colors of the Earth confuse me
I see the sparkling green grass and I hear
The rushing roar of the white raging waters of Niagara Falls
In the reflection of these tumbling waters
I see vast forests, the emerald foliage glittering as the sun rises above
The tips of the evergreens


I am a girl of the Southwest,
I see the deer running wildly across the dried-out plains
The ground seems to crackle like exploding fireworks
Under their thundering hooves
I explore the plethora of ridges and canyons
Occasionally stopping to listen to the
Mournful howl of the roaming wolves
The buffalo roam the plains
Languidly looking for avocado grass on which they placidly graze
The hawks soar above the endless heat and
The cracked auburn ground


I am a girl of Colorado,
I lazily sit and watch the trout and
The other shimmering fish swim un-minding through
The muddy brown waters of the Colorado River.
I watch the owl swoop down and soar
Triumphantly back up into the
Blue-white Rocky Mountains, holding a mouse in its beak


I am a girl of Lone Tree,
The snow blows around us banging on the doors
Looking in the windows
The coyotes paw the ground in desperation
Searching for a morsel
In the splendid spring the rabbits frolic
Among the abundant flowers
The Sun in the background sinks behind
The miles of chocolate-roofed houses

I am a girl of the Hills,
The hills roll around me like waves in
A deep muddy-brown ocean
The auburn surface dotted with flowers and yucca
The wind whips around me swirling the leaves of autumn
In a shield of fire around me
The leaves seem to whisper quietly “autumn is heeeeerrrreeee”


I am a girl of the Universe,
I watch the twinkling stars slowly revolve
Around their master, the Sun.
Occasionally, a star bursts out and becomes
A vibrant red and then a mild blue
I explore the galaxy’s endless pattern of
White, black, white, black, white, black....

poem not really fan-fiction but oh well, just thought, well id post it, open to replies from y'all. and erm....i have a story coming up so yea just fyi called well idk lol :o

[Tweetsie]

That was really nice, I liked all the similes and alliterations..

[devils_advocate_for_evil]

thank you! anything i could....work on?

[Tweetsie]

hmmm.. no matter what kind of poetry it is, whether it be free verse or haiku, poetry needs a rhythm to it. Yours needs a bit more, can you see what I mean at all? I'm not sooo experienced in this, I write stories not poetry, but that what I see it as mostly.

[devils_advocate_for_evil]

lol yea..i get it....kinda of lacks that flow....i wrote this in sixth grade and just found it and wanted to get an opinion about it...thank you!

[Tweetsie]

You're welcome! :)

[devils_advocate_for_evil]

check out my story "visions of death"

[devils_advocate_for_evil]

this one too i guess....

[Rhyanidd]

I like it, I agree with Tweetsie it does need more flow (not poetry writer, nor do I read it much but I think that a flow would make it better) Anyway it was very good! And intresting, I like the way you compare the girl (is it a poem about you?) to all those things....very cool!!

[devils_advocate_for_evil]

yea its about me...and yea it does need more flow!