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EveningStar
01-21-2006, 09:06 PM
SWORD OF THE FIFTH PEVENSIE

The hardest thing about being in the RAF was not the icy terror of aerial combat. In fact, combat was a sort of relief when it came. The hours of waiting for that phone to ring...hours that might become days...those were what Shakespeare once called "the times that try mens' souls."

Sergeant Jack Pevensie was relatively lucky. He had opportunities that were denied some of his confederates because he was on the southern coast of England rather than off battling in North Africa like some of his old mates. He also felt lucky because he would rather face death in the vault of heaven than crowded in a stinking, wet, rat infested trench the way his father did back in 'seventeen'.

The wind from the coast was nonstop, and it made conditions inside Jack's tent bearable for sleep. Stretched out on his cot with his uniform on...it was never wise to be out of it more than necessary...he twitched in a fitful sleep.

On the other bunk, Sergeant Ted Dempsey leafed through a well-worn copy of Punch magazine. He tried to keep his humorous reaction down to a slight chuckle, but he needed a laugh to remind him that there were other emotions than rage and homesickness. Ted was distracted by the sounds in the bunk next to his. He sat the magazine down and glanced at the sweating, moaning pilot. "Bloody.... Not again?"

Ted got off the bunk and went across to Jack, shaking him. "Wake up. Hey, wake up, mate! Stop it!"

Jack Pevensie's eyes shot open and he raised up suddenly and forcefully. "Peter! Someone's trying to kill him!"

"Come out of it, lad! Shake it off, for Christ's sake!"

"Peter's in trouble! Peter's in..."

"In trouble? Come on now. Last night it was little Edward."

"Edmund," Jack repeated, still shaken but remembering where he was. "This time it was a sword fight. It was a battle, a battle full of horrible monsters. Peter was fighting the Lady in White. He needed me and I ..."

"You are in the 20th century fighting the Krauts. Come on now, I know you're boy is having to be the man of the family. You wonder if the lad is up to it. But between the Good Lord and your wife, he'll have all the help he needs. He'll make it, the way you made it when your old man..."

"...died?" Jack looked searchingly into Ted's eyes. "Do you know what my mother went through to make sure I had food on the table and put me through a good school? I didn't bloody well volunteer, Ted! I have four little children, and I swore to myself that I wouldn't leave them in the lurch the way..." He stopped, took in a deep breath, and let it out in a long sigh. "I didn't mean that. Nobody asks to die. My father wanted to come home as bad as the rest. Luck of the draw, I suppose. I'm not afraid of death, Teddy. I'm in right with the Man Upstairs and all, but ... I did my bit for God and King already. Why did they reactivate ME?"

"Just lucky, I guess," Sgt. Dempsey said bitterly. After an awkward moment he put his arm around Jack and gave his shoulder a squeeze. "You'll make it home. We both will. But if one of those Krauts nails you, I swear to God your kids won't do without. So you do what you have to do and everything will be all right."

Jack bit his lower lip and tears ran down his cheeks. "Same here, Ted. I'll take care of Martha and Alice for you."

"Shake on it," Ted said with a smile, grabbing Jack's hand in his own and squeezing tightly. "There now, never say..."

Just then the phone on the clerk's table rang. Jack and Ted did not wait for the siren to wail but grabbed for their boots immediately.

"Never say die," Jack muttered, a weak smile on his face. "Tally ho!"

Rhyanidd
01-21-2006, 09:19 PM
whoowhoo!! might chakals pen is at it again!!

Driad54
01-21-2006, 09:23 PM
Very good....Could it be that God was letting Mr.Pevensie know that Peter was now able to become head of the family, by letting him see his son in future combat? Is there any more to this story or is the ending supposed to let you believe that Sgt.Pevensie went to his death?

Wills_dream_Gf
01-21-2006, 09:26 PM
Oh my goodness, Chakal! You are an amazing writer. Are you a writer? I wish I were as a great writer as you are. I need that, because I want to become a writer one day. :D

EveningStar
01-21-2006, 09:59 PM
Thanks for all the kind words.

First off, it's canon that the Pevensie's parents did not die during the war. They died in a train accident. It's in The Last Battle.

Second, yes, I am a writer. That story was composed online in the "Reply to Thread" box and I'm already seeing things I missed that need to be tidied up. I've even written long poems online, and that takes either guts or sheer arrogance. Give me the benefit of the doubt and call it "guts"...

Third, my latest work, "The Otter and the Anthem," was just accepted for publication in an anthology. It is based around events of the Great Johnstown Flood. I've been an author since high school. My output has been limited by my busy life, but what I have written has been well accepted.

Lastly, I would be glad to help anyone that wants to improve their skills. Ask me almost anything. That help cannot extend, however, to putting people in contact with "the right people." Publishers would either be flooded with authors' cousins, girlfriends, boyfriends, landlords, and short order cooks wanting a break, or they could tell us to please not recommend anyone. You can imagine which path they take.

DeplorableWord
01-21-2006, 10:29 PM
Wow, Chakal! Good job chap. I jolly well hope that you do continue this story! By the Lion's mane it's amazing! GREAT job!!! :D

And congratulations on your latest publication!!! :)

Wills_dream_Gf
01-22-2006, 12:53 AM
Third, my latest work, "The Otter and the Anthem," was just accepted for publication in an anthology. It is based around events of the Great Johnstown Flood.

Lastly, I would be glad to help anyone that wants to improve their skills. Ask me almost anything.

So your story, "The Otter and the Anthem," is famous? I mean would I be learning about it in school sometime?

Yes!! I would love some help on my writing skills. Hmmm, what are some basics for a beginner? Like how do I begin writing something?

*I wish you would have post this up two weeks ago!! I needed this then. You see our state has the Leiutenant Governer's Awards and unfortunatley I didn't make it to the district, etc., because my story SUCKED!!! :(

EveningStar
01-22-2006, 09:59 AM
Traditional writing courses saturate you with other people's writing, hoping you'll absorb some of the techniques famous people use. Problem is it teaches young folks to imitate others in a field that values originality and the teacher can't quite tell you what you're supposed to be looking for. That's because language is a science but it originates in the mind as art. Your science can be no better than the art that inspires it.

So let's not discuss science. Let's have an art lesson. Build on the firm foundation of confidence, inspiration and sincerity.

First, language is spiritual. It's one of the four ways (visual arts, music and touch are the other three) that the soul locked away inside Fortress Skull can participate in the rich spiritual and intellectual lives locked away inside their own battlements. Language is a code, and the better the code the more complete the communication and the closer two souls come to touching.

Second language is descriptive. Ideally it describes things in the same order you would discover them if you were there as an eye-witness. Take note of the way you see things and read the following two descriptions:

Out of order: The dust around the dead fly on the windowsill overlooking the overgrown garden showed he had gotten lost in the abandoned castle while Mosscroft was still alive with activity rather than a consequential victim of the Great Depression. (detail, middleground, setting, meaning, backstory)

In order: The door burst open and a young lady rushed into the room, her hair dissheveled and her white dress stained with crimson. "Murder!" she cried. "The Laird's been murdered!" (movement, identity, detail, significance)

Do you think if you were in an abandoned castle that your first and most vivid impression would be how much dust had settled around a dead fly on a second story windowsill? On the other hand in example two that big red stain on the woman's dress makes quite an impression. And you notice I didn't call it blood. People see the red first, then they think blood.

Consider this order: light, movement, size, position, relative movement, general identity, specific people, details, significance, backstory.

"I stepped into the ballroom ablaze with light and saw on the floor below the swaying of a hundred couples to the throbbing tempo of the waltz."

Well, you get the idea. Now go out there and slay dragons!

A_childs_imagination
01-22-2006, 02:41 PM
very nice. that might come in useful!
you know you should write a book titled: How to Write a Book
it would probably sell really well because of the stupid irony of the name.
but i do agree with you when you say writing is an art. you cant learn to
be an artist. you either are or your not. You could learn to draw and paint
but you would never be an artist because you would simply be imitatin someone elses style of art.

Rhyanidd
01-22-2006, 05:15 PM
well....where is "The Otter and The Anthem" in stores....is it in like Borders....or what..?

I wanna read it! And what is your pen name???......

Wills_dream_Gf
01-23-2006, 06:24 PM
Traditional writing courses saturate you with other people's writing, hoping you'll absorb some of the techniques famous people use. Problem is it teaches young folks to imitate others in a field that values originality and the teacher can't quite tell you what you're supposed to be looking for. That's because language is a science but it originates in the mind as art. Your science can be no better than the art that inspires it.

So let's not discuss science. Let's have an art lesson. Build on the firm foundation of confidence, inspiration and sincerity.

First, language is spiritual. It's one of the four ways (visual arts, music and touch are the other three) that the soul locked away inside Fortress Skull can participate in the rich spiritual and intellectual lives locked away inside their own battlements. Language is a code, and the better the code the more complete the communication and the closer two souls come to touching.

Second language is descriptive. Ideally it describes things in the same order you would discover them if you were there as an eye-witness. Take note of the way you see things and read the following two descriptions:

Out of order: The dust around the dead fly on the windowsill overlooking the overgrown garden showed he had gotten lost in the abandoned castle while Mosscroft was still alive with activity rather than a consequential victim of the Great Depression. (detail, middleground, setting, meaning, backstory)

In order: The door burst open and a young lady rushed into the room, her hair dissheveled and her white dress stained with crimson. "Murder!" she cried. "The Laird's been murdered!" (movement, identity, detail, significance)

Do you think if you were in an abandoned castle that your first and most vivid impression would be how much dust had settled around a dead fly on a second story windowsill? On the other hand in example two that big red stain on the woman's dress makes quite an impression. And you notice I didn't call it blood. People see the red first, then they think blood.

Consider this order: light, movement, size, position, relative movement, general identity, specific people, details, significance, backstory.

"I stepped into the ballroom ablaze with light and saw on the floor below the swaying of a hundred couples to the throbbing tempo of the waltz."

Well, you get the idea. Now go out there and slay dragons!

Thank you so much for taking your time for me!!! I will take your word into my writing for the future!!! And hopefully you will see my name on a book one day...and does writing have to be complicated? Can you please answer that one for me and this next question as well? Well anyways, does every good writer have to be born creative? Or can they be taught to be a great writer?

DeplorableWord
01-23-2006, 09:47 PM
I don't know about Chakal, but I definately believe that you can be tought to be an amazing writer- I should know, I've seen it happen to both of my brothers!!! :)

Wills_dream_Gf
01-25-2006, 09:10 PM
I don't know about Chakal, but I definately believe that you can be tought to be an amazing writer- I should know, I've seen it happen to both of my brothers!!! :)

Oh thank you!!! You are such a wonderful and nice person for believing in me!! awww :) :D

Rhyanidd
01-25-2006, 10:38 PM
Chakal I loved your story!!!! You caught emotions so well!!!

DeplorableWord
01-27-2006, 08:55 PM
Oh thank you!!! You are such a wonderful and nice person for believing in me!! awww :) :D

He, he, thanks, you too!!! :)