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TrueCrusader
10-08-2004, 11:40 AM
Well it is kinda obvious why I made this topic...
I'm stupid!

Here I'll start off.
whats black white and red all over?!

A penguin holding his breath

Warrior-Poet51088
10-08-2004, 03:38 PM
Wow. That was horrible. These are much better:

So, a pirate walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, a hook hand, and a patch over one eye. The bartender says," Man! What happened to you--how'd you get your peg leg?"
The pirate says, "Oh, 'twas a shark, it bit me leg off."
The bartender then inquires, "Well, what about your hook hand?"
The pirate responds, "Oh, 'twas the same shark it bit me hand off too."
The bartender, very cynically, says, "Oh, yeah. Sure. And that same shark probably bit your eye out, right?"
The pirates yells, "NYARRRGGGH! 'Twas me first day with me hook hand, and a seagull pooped in me eye!"

You have to say the "NYARRRGGGH!" in a very threatening, piratey manner.

Jokes #2:
Two muffins sittin' in a box One muffin says, "Dude! Did you phart? It smells in here!"
The other muffin screams, "Ahhhhhhhh! A talking muffin!"


Joke #3:
Two penguins sittin' in a bath tub. One penguin turns to the other and says, "Pass me the soap."
The other penguin goes, "What do I look like--a typewriter???!!!"

Ba-duh-ching!

Yes, I know I have already posted these, but there are some n()()b on the site who haven't heard them before. If anybody wants, I can post some rather humorous Red Skelton jokes.

TrueCrusader
10-10-2004, 06:47 PM
Heres another....

Want to know the problem with talking with germans? they always have to be reich.

I didn't mean to be offensive if any body is offended by the joke I am sorry.,

Smog
10-10-2004, 06:50 PM
I have one

There once was a man from Nantucket...

...oops! Think PG, think PG.

Oh I know, What's black and white and red all over?

A pengiun holding his breath!

(I think I've heard that from somewhere)

Dead Rain
10-10-2004, 09:23 PM
(I think I've heard that from somewhere)

hummmm... i wonder where? maybe...... :D

Smog
10-10-2004, 09:59 PM
Oh I have a really, REALLY bad one


Why is six afraid of seven?

because seven, eight, nine!

black cloak
10-10-2004, 10:04 PM
yuo guys are crazy

white_witch87
10-11-2004, 11:58 AM
I got one, but it may be bad but it's so funny!!

Yo mama so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
Yo mama so fat, she wore a red dress and the little kids shouted, "Hey! Kool-Aid!"

:lol:

Smog
10-11-2004, 01:21 PM
Well, YO moma so ugly, when she goes into the bank they turn off the cameras!

Warrior-Poet51088
10-11-2004, 07:04 PM
Yo moma so fat...

She puts on her make-up with a paint roller!

She jumps into the pool so you can go surfing!

She steps on the penny weight scale, and it says "one at a time, please!"

Dead Rain
10-11-2004, 08:02 PM
Why is six afraid of seven?

because seven, eight, nine!

awww man. one my uncles told me that one when i was younger, a LOT younger, and i didn't get it. i laugh at myself every time i hear it now! lol!

black cloak
10-11-2004, 08:06 PM
i remember that one my 1st grade teacher told that one to the class

Smog
10-11-2004, 08:47 PM
The real question is, did your first grade teacher think it was funny.

And by the way, Yo Mama so fat when she wheres high heels she strikes oil!

Warrior-Poet51088
10-11-2004, 09:14 PM
Here's one that our neighbor never got when he was little:

When you're out of the bathroom, you're American. When you're in the bathroom, European.

Sorry. There's a reason the title of this thread is "really bad jokes" that was just pitiful.

Smog
10-11-2004, 10:34 PM
I don't get it :D

black cloak
10-11-2004, 10:42 PM
i get it :D

Dead Rain
10-12-2004, 02:20 PM
me neither. :D

Smog
10-12-2004, 03:39 PM
Oh I get it... ...I think...


Anyway here's another joke,

What do hillbillies call road kill?

Lunch!

(Man, these are really, really bad jokes!)

B1-66ER
10-12-2004, 04:08 PM
Originally posted by Aragorn51088@Oct 11 2004, 08:14 PM
Here's one that our neighbor never got when he was little:

When you're out of the bathroom, you're American. When you're in the bathroom, European.

Sorry. There's a reason the title of this thread is "really bad jokes" that was just pitiful.
It's easier to get when it's said out loud.

I believe this is the more correct version of the joke:

If your American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom? European

Smog
10-12-2004, 04:10 PM
I still don't get it :(

black cloak
10-12-2004, 05:22 PM
i will explain it to you smog, when you are in the bathroom (you are peeing)European get it

TrueCrusader
10-13-2004, 11:17 AM
Oh ya well your mother is so ugly it hurts her self-asteam.

TrueCrusader
10-13-2004, 11:22 AM
Why Is seven a cannibal?

TrueCrusader
10-13-2004, 01:31 PM
hers another... why was 3 afraid of 4...





Because he was bigger...

black cloak
10-13-2004, 06:29 PM
do not get it :huh:

Dead Rain
10-13-2004, 06:53 PM
I still don't get it
i just got it. the saying it outloud thing helped, even though i didn't say it out loud. but i thought it as if i was saying it outloud. does that make sence? ahhhhhh!!!!!!

black cloak
10-13-2004, 06:58 PM
nope

Dead Rain
10-13-2004, 07:20 PM
black, where do you live?

black cloak
10-13-2004, 07:20 PM
in a house

Dead Rain
10-13-2004, 07:25 PM
in what counrty? and don't say canada. 'cause i KNOW it's not. it's not is it?

black cloak
10-13-2004, 07:26 PM
USA

Dead Rain
10-13-2004, 07:48 PM
what... state?

black cloak
10-13-2004, 07:49 PM
Washington State

Dead Rain
10-13-2004, 07:50 PM
truth being told?

black cloak
10-13-2004, 07:51 PM
yup

Dead Rain
10-13-2004, 07:55 PM
darn. i wanted it to be close to me. that way i could come and stra--hehe. i would never do that. no...... not me. :rolleyes: well i was hoping that you lived close by so that we coul play together. that would be fun. and btw i call "hanging out" "playing together" all the time. so... yeah.

black cloak
10-13-2004, 07:59 PM
where do you live

Dead Rain
10-13-2004, 08:03 PM
wouldn't you like to know :P

black cloak
10-13-2004, 08:03 PM
:angry: yup i would

Dead Rain
10-13-2004, 08:08 PM
fine well... USA

black cloak
10-13-2004, 08:08 PM
state ?????????????????

Dead Rain
10-13-2004, 08:10 PM
wouldn't you like to know :P :P


:P

black cloak
10-13-2004, 08:11 PM
YES I WOULD :angry:

Dead Rain
10-13-2004, 08:12 PM
fine then... well... what if i don't want to tell you? yeah. what if?

black cloak
10-13-2004, 08:12 PM
i will do something really bad

Dead Rain
10-13-2004, 08:13 PM
NOOOOOOO?!

black cloak
10-13-2004, 08:27 PM
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS SSSSS

Dead Rain
10-14-2004, 01:13 PM
fine then.....IL so... yeah. and i lying?

TrueCrusader
10-14-2004, 02:02 PM
OHHHHHHH CANADA....

TrueCrusader
10-14-2004, 02:03 PM
Guys please back to the topic!!!!!!!1

Smog
10-14-2004, 02:06 PM
A man walks into a bar, something funny happens.

TrueCrusader
10-14-2004, 02:22 PM
ok ok ok!
Jesus a rabbi and mohhomed are in a boat....

Smog
10-14-2004, 04:37 PM
You mean Mohumid?

TrueCrusader
10-14-2004, 04:38 PM
ummm...ya...right....

Dead Rain
10-14-2004, 04:39 PM
i think that niether one of your spelling are correct. so there.

TrueCrusader
10-14-2004, 04:53 PM
Arabian names are hard to spell

Dead Rain
10-14-2004, 04:55 PM
but they're cool!

TrueCrusader
10-14-2004, 04:57 PM
AHHHHH IM SO SORRY



middle eastearn american names are hard to spell.
And yes they are cool!

Dead Rain
10-14-2004, 07:44 PM
so continue.

TrueCrusader
10-17-2004, 11:23 PM
oh oh oh!!! what do you call pig martial arts?





PORK CHOP!

Smog
10-18-2004, 02:12 PM
A duck walks into a store... No wait was it a duck? Oh a pig who looks like a duck... No that's not it... A duck dressed like a pig pretending to be a duck... Nope not it either... Just wait I'll remember it...

TrueCrusader
10-18-2004, 02:35 PM
ok ok ok ok... a duck that looks like a pig walks into a store then..... just a sec... wispers to himself......hahahaha. ok a duck walks into a store then askes.... ok ok its funny caue the punch line is im not a quack! OH DARN IT i ruined the joke....

Dragon
10-18-2004, 02:40 PM
A duck walks into a grocery store and goes to the checkout line, looks up at the cashier and says, "Got any duck food?" The cashier says, "Um, I'm sorry, we do not. In fact, ducks aren't allowed in here, so scram."
The next day, the duck is back: "Got any duck food?" he asks the same cashier. The cashier calls in the manager. "Ducks aren't allowed in here!" the manager said. "If you ask for duck food again, I'm going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor!"
The duck leaves, but the next day, he is back again. He walks up to the manager and asks, "Got any nails?" The manager is furious. "Nails?! This is a grocery store! Of course we don't have nails!" There is a short silence. Then, confident as ever, the duck asks, "...Got any duck food?"

Y. Fish
10-18-2004, 04:54 PM
"hey, what's up?"
"Canada-- up in the Northern Hemisphere!"
"hahahaha!"

Smog
10-18-2004, 06:31 PM
Dude that's just bad.

black cloak
10-18-2004, 06:33 PM
dude i totally agree

black cloak
10-18-2004, 06:35 PM
and smog she is a dudet not a dude

Warrior-Poet51088
10-18-2004, 10:17 PM
Here's a saying I heard an English guy say on a PBS show (and it was reality, so, yes, he really was English...):

Here's to your health, and the health of your blood. And if your blood isn't healthy, then your health can't possibly be good, so here's to your bloody good health! :lol:

black cloak
10-18-2004, 10:18 PM
:D :lol: :D :lol: :D :lol: :D :lol: :D :lol:

Dragon
10-19-2004, 12:13 AM
Originally posted by Y. Fish@Oct 18 2004, 03:54 PM
"hey, what's up?"
"Canada-- up in the Northern Hemisphere!"
"hahahaha!"
Y. Fish wins for the worst joke so far.

TrueCrusader
10-19-2004, 11:40 AM
These are getting sad....

black cloak
10-19-2004, 11:41 AM
:( :( :( :( :( :( :( like that

TrueCrusader
10-19-2004, 11:43 AM
no I like your jokes!

black cloak
10-19-2004, 11:44 AM
:o

TrueCrusader
10-19-2004, 11:50 AM
but *gasp* you have made no jokes! Im sorry i will need to exterminate you!

black cloak
10-19-2004, 11:51 AM
but i do knot know any

TrueCrusader
10-19-2004, 11:54 AM
sure you do! just say anything! remember these are really bad jokes!

black cloak
10-19-2004, 11:55 AM
maybe later :P

Dead Rain
10-24-2004, 07:38 PM
ok this is stupid, and that's why it's here. anyone who's heard (or read or seen) it before, don't answer:

how do you put a girrafe into a refrigerater?

black cloak
10-25-2004, 10:44 PM
very carefully

Dead Rain
10-25-2004, 11:10 PM
wrong!! anyone esle?

black cloak
10-29-2004, 06:56 PM
:( meany

Dead Rain
10-29-2004, 07:59 PM
wait. what? where it? go? never mind. i think i know.... *eyes shift to other side of room*. and black..........you really need to start acting your age :P :D :lol: jk well not really... :P

black cloak
10-29-2004, 08:17 PM
i am :P

Dead Rain
10-30-2004, 01:03 PM
that&#39;s sad. <_<
but:
"knock knock"
*you say.....*

black cloak
10-30-2004, 02:55 PM
hi

Dead Rain
10-31-2004, 05:21 PM
*slams door on black and screams* why can&#39;t you just do it right?&#33; fine...

how does the door bel ring?

black cloak
10-31-2004, 05:43 PM
it is bell and you push a button and it rings

Dead Rain
10-31-2004, 08:19 PM
OOPS wrong topic. sorry. but...some one else do a joke.

black cloak
11-02-2004, 05:47 PM
hahaha

TrueCrusader
11-03-2004, 11:53 AM
sopmebody start a knock knock joke&#33;

black cloak
11-03-2004, 11:55 AM
hi

TrueCrusader
11-03-2004, 11:59 AM
hi

black cloak
11-03-2004, 11:59 AM
who are you

TrueCrusader
11-03-2004, 12:01 PM
im a...


hi

black cloak
11-03-2004, 12:02 PM
i know who are

Pretzel Head
11-05-2004, 07:50 PM
Why couldn&#39;t the cat go through the doorway?

CAUSE IT HAD A JAVELIN STUCK IN ITS HEAD&#33;

*dies*

Dragon
11-07-2004, 11:07 AM
Here are a lot of really really bad ones. you have been warned:::


Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn&#39;t much, but the reception was excellent.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I&#39;ve lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I&#39;m positive."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I&#39;ll serve you, but don&#39;t start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don&#39;t serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can&#39;t stop singing &#39;The Green, Green Grass of Home.&#39;" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It&#39;s Not Unusual."

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Y. Fish
11-08-2004, 04:50 PM
A guy walks into a bar and says "Ow&#33;"

Yeah... um... can&#39;t think of any more. I know a few really good ones, but then, this isn&#39;t the "good jokes" thread.

Dead Rain
11-08-2004, 06:52 PM
aye. not "good jokes" at all, fishy.

why did the chicken cross the road?

(see what i mean?)

black cloak
11-08-2004, 07:17 PM
oh oh i know y um to get to the um um other um side yah that is it

Dead Rain
11-08-2004, 07:20 PM
yeah. sure, black. that&#39;s it alright. good job. see, everyone else, this is why this topic is in the land of the duffers, among other reasons.

black cloak
11-08-2004, 07:30 PM
cuz i am smart

Dead Rain
11-09-2004, 06:42 PM
no one asked a question. why&#39;d you say "cuz"?
here&#39;s a knock knock joke. please do it corectly(,black).
*knock knock*

black cloak
11-09-2004, 06:43 PM
who is there

Dead Rain
11-09-2004, 06:46 PM
orange

black cloak
11-09-2004, 06:50 PM
onange who?????

Dead Rain
11-09-2004, 07:10 PM
or&#39;nch ya glad i didn&#39;t say bannana?

(answer this too&#33; :D )

black cloak
11-09-2004, 07:11 PM
that is bad

Dead Rain
11-09-2004, 07:17 PM
that&#39;s why it&#39;s here and not there.

black cloak
11-09-2004, 07:26 PM
where

Dragon
11-10-2004, 12:10 AM
That last joke was very a-peeling.

Dead Rain
11-10-2004, 02:40 PM
haha. good one, drag. *roles eyes* :roleseyes: yeah. great. :roleseyes:

Dragon
11-10-2004, 07:45 PM
hey, I wouldn&#39;t have said that if the title of this forum weren&#39;t "REALLY bad jokes."

Dead Rain
11-10-2004, 10:58 PM
haha. i believe you.

CosmoKid
12-03-2004, 10:51 PM
What's the sickest country?
Germany.

Two cows were in a field. One cow says, "Mooooo." The other says, "Jerk. I was going to say that."

Where do books eat dinner?
At the table of contents.

Thank you! And good night.

(Incidentally, anybody looking for a treasure-trove of bad jokes welcome to go to Rinkworks's bad jokes section. (http://rinkworks.com/jokes/)

Dead Rain
12-03-2004, 11:07 PM
those are really bad jokes. and that is a comppliment in this topic!. and also, welcome to the forum, Cosmokid!

Dragon
12-16-2004, 12:52 AM
Wow, Cosmokid, those jokes on that webpage are like an alltime low. Usually, I'll laugh at really stupid jokes, but those I just stare at blankly. They've past the level of being stupid enough to laugh at. They're so bad they've passed good and gone to dull.

Dernhelm
02-14-2005, 03:41 PM
Knock Knock

Warrior-Poet51088
02-14-2005, 10:20 PM
*talks like Caboose*

ooh! I am very good at these...........

"Who is there?"

Dernhelm
02-15-2005, 04:51 PM
"Boo"



Has everybody heard this before?

Warrior-Poet51088
02-15-2005, 06:09 PM
*still talking like Caboose*

Gah! You scared me!

"Boo" who?

Dernhelm
02-15-2005, 06:15 PM
Oh, don't cry!!

(haha...)

DryadofLanternWaste
02-15-2005, 07:29 PM
Oh I have a really, REALLY bad one


Why is six afraid of seven?

because seven, eight, nine!

*waves hand frantically* I have the second answer:
because seven was coming after it. (I love Polish science teachers)

When is a car not a car?
when it turns into a driveway!

When is a door not a door?
When its ajar/a jar!

What is the most sacrilegious insect?
a hairy tick (heretic)

Why did the Pope cross the road?
He crosses everything

hey the title says really bad

Warrior-Poet51088
02-15-2005, 09:56 PM
Ooh, your reference to Poles reminded me of another bad joke my aunt told us a while ago.......

OK, so a Polish guys go to see his pastor about getting a divorce. The pastor asks if there are any problems in his marital relationship; if his wife ever beats him, et cetera.

The Pole replies that yes, his wife does indeed beat him....She beats him every morning.............Beats him getting up each morning, to the table, and out the door.

The Pastor asks why he wants a divorce. The Pole says it's because he thinks wife is about to get rid of him. The Pastor asks why, and the Pole says that he's seen a little bottle on her dresser. She uses this bottle everyday. It has the label "Polish remover."

I think I butchered the joke, but there's not a whole lot to be butchered, so it's all good.

Dead Rain
02-15-2005, 10:52 PM
nice ones.

Dernhelm
02-16-2005, 06:22 PM
Do you know what happened to the snow tires the Eskimo bought?
They melted on the way home.

Smog
02-17-2005, 01:19 AM
When you use the term "bad jokes" is it refering to obvious jokes that are stupid? Or are we talking about dirty, racially biggited jokes?

(Just for the reference I have some of both)

black cloak
02-17-2005, 11:19 AM
oh oh oh do the dirty ones


When you use the term "bad jokes" is it refering to obvious jokes that are stupid? Or are we talking about dirty, racially biggited jokes?

(Just for the reference I have some of both)

Warrior-Poet51088
02-17-2005, 11:30 AM
When you use the term "bad jokes" is it refering to obvious jokes that are stupid? Or are we talking about dirty, racially biggited jokes?

We mean stupid jokes, the kind you might tell late at night when you're running out of "your mom"* jokes to use on your friends. However, your mom should not be appaled to hear you tell any of the jokes you post here.

*bad "your mom" jokes would be the kind that have no point (i.e., "your mom's so fat she's fatter than my mom")

Narniafreak
02-18-2005, 12:26 PM
I've got one:

There were two cows sitting in a field,
The one says: "Moooooooooo"
The other says: "You took the words right out of my mouth"

Mercury
02-18-2005, 02:59 PM
lol, I just gave myself the entire 14 pages of this thread. Yeah I suppose I'm bored. But I needed something to cheer me up.

ok here goes: Why did the dog wag its tail? Because the tail couldn't wag the dog.

The next one's kinda dirty, sorry people it's really bad. Don't hate me please.

A duck walks into a bar an sits down on a bar stool. The bartender tries to make some conversation with it. So he asks,
"Hey what's your name?"
"Hughey."
"And how was your day?"
"Oh excellent. Had a ball, been in and out of puddles all day."
"Sounds wonderful"
Another duck enters the bar and the bartender asks that one, too,
"What's your name?"
"Looey."
"And how was your day, Looey?"
"Oh excellent. Had a ball, been in and out of puddles all day."
"Wonderful!"
A third duck walks into the bar and the bar tender says,
"Ah and you must be Dewey?"
"No man, my name is Puddles, and don't ask me how my f***ing day was!"

black cloak
02-18-2005, 03:24 PM
omg that is bad

Mercury
02-18-2005, 03:30 PM
ha ha, i told you so.

Smog
02-18-2005, 06:03 PM
Hey, that is SICK!

Besides my joke is alot funnier.

A duck walks into a bar...

black cloak
02-18-2005, 08:06 PM
loser :p...

Smog
02-18-2005, 09:45 PM
Ok I got another bad joke,

Three guys are out chopping wood one day. Their names are Joe, Mark and Andrew. As Mark swings his axe the head flys of and hits Joe in the face, killing him instantly.
"What's your problem? You just killed joe!" Says Andrew.
"Sorry" Mark replies "it was an axe-adent!"

black cloak
02-18-2005, 11:14 PM
that sucks

Dernhelm
02-19-2005, 02:48 PM
;) like a baby?

black cloak
02-19-2005, 03:07 PM
lalalalalalala nasty

Dernhelm
02-19-2005, 03:10 PM
what does "Lala" mean?

black cloak
02-19-2005, 03:17 PM
um when something is nasty you go lalalalalala

Dernhelm
02-19-2005, 03:18 PM
Oh. What about "dk"?

black cloak
02-19-2005, 03:20 PM
i do not know "dk"

Dernhelm
02-19-2005, 03:36 PM
Hmph! Anyone else know?

black cloak
02-19-2005, 04:14 PM
oh oh oh me me me pick me

Dernhelm
02-19-2005, 04:17 PM
YOU just said you didn't know!

black cloak
02-19-2005, 04:22 PM
so
10 word thingy

DryadofLanternWaste
02-26-2005, 09:00 PM
Hmph! Anyone else know?

Dernhelm what do you mean? know what?

Oh my friend Brandon made a really lame pun concerning chasing my friend Tim in this game we were playing at youth on Thursday. He was like, "Go get Tim, go get him, go get'im." It was too sad, lol.

Back on topic, again Dernhelm what are you talking or rather typing about?

Smog
02-26-2005, 11:38 PM
Obviously they are all talking about Me >:)

Warrior-Poet51088
02-27-2005, 06:20 PM
About the puns......Today at youth group, we went bowling. There's a kid in our youth group whom we call by his last name. His last name is Boling. So we said, "Go bowling, Boling!"

The best part was that when the youth leader originally announced that we'd be going bowling, he said, "The special event for this month is bowling."

We capitalized on this by asking, "how much is bowling?" He said, "yeah, it's really pretty cheap. Doesn't cost much."

:D

Dernhelm
03-01-2005, 04:23 PM
Back on topic, again Dernhelm what are you talking or rather typing about?
Sorry, me were getting of topic; I was asking her what "dk" means.

Narniafreak
03-03-2005, 07:41 PM
No clue at all
:confused:

Dernhelm
03-04-2005, 04:56 PM
Has anyone heard of Flanders and Swann? At the drop of another Hat? Very funny. They're talking about how England has no national song: "The Scotish have one; Scotland for I, (or for me as it should more properly be). And the German's! Whatever you say about the German's; (and who doesn't?), but what a marvolous song that was, marvolous: German, German Over-alls. Even the Americans have a national song; My Countery 'tis of Thee; which they sing to the tune of God Save the Queen!"

And then the song: "it starts with a very English understatment:

The English, the English, the English are best; I wouldn't give tuppence for all of the rest!"

I think it was the Ireshman who
"sleeps in his boots and lies in his teeth; he blows up policemen, or so I have heard; and blames it on Cromwell and William the III!"
And
"all the world over, each nation's the same; they've simply no notion of playing the game.
They argue with umpires, they cheer when they've won; and they practice beforehand, which ruins the fun!"

"The English, the English, the English are best; I wouldn't give tuppence for all of the rest.
The English are moral, the English are good, and clever, and modest, and misunderstood;
The English, the English, the English are best; so up with the English, and down with the rest!"

There. It's not exactly a joke; but it's funny! They have lots of other songs; I picked this one because of Rosymole. She's English, isn't she?

Warrior-Poet51088
03-05-2005, 12:42 PM
Yes, and I REALLY hope she sees that!

It's brill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where'd you get it from?

Dernhelm
03-05-2005, 02:42 PM
From a tape by Michael Flanders and Donald Swann. It's called "At the Drop of Another Hat". I picked out some of the best lines, but it's much better if you hear it (the music, expression, etc.)
I also forgot one of the very best lines; at the end:
"It's not that they're wicked, or natrelly bad; it's knowing their forigen that makes them so mad!"

Dernhelm
03-09-2005, 07:50 PM
You can read the whole thing here: http://www.nyanko.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/fas/anotherhat_song.html
It's worth it!

I'mbigger/you'reolder
03-10-2005, 12:15 AM
I'm not going to take the time to make sure these haven't been told yet. Just so you know, I'm known for my terribly bad puns wherever I go. My jokes are okay, but don't get into a conversation with me unless you intend on looking at me stupidly. This, however, is the best joke in the world. Enjoy.

Way far off in a distant land, there was this group of people called "Trids". They are about the size of Hobbits, and they are blue, but they aren't Smurfs. They'll get really mad at you if you call them a Smurf. Anyway, the Trids lived by this river, I think it was called the Clu Colo River, which is Tridish for "River that never goes dry". There was this really bad drought at one point, so bad that there was no water. Well, of course, the Trids got pretty worried. "How are we going to get water?" They all asked. So, the best solution they came to was to journey to the Land of the Giants, which had a very bountiful season that year, and was bordered by another river, the Eas Mac River, which, translated, means "buy Nike shoes". So they got a group together to go to the Land of the Giants. Once the first giant saw them, though, he kicked every single one all the way back to their own land. One by one, you know, like a field goal kicker on steroids. The Trids tried to go back again and again, but the giants kept on kicking them back. This went on for weeks. With water still gone, and the giants still being jerks, the Trids finally thought of a Plan B. Granted, they weren't the brightest stars in the sky, but they did think of another plan. I mean, you'd think that after one week, it'd sink in that the giants were pretty stubborn. Anyway, they decided to get a negotiator to go to the Land of the Giants on behalf of the Trids. Well, they got a Rabbi, and, as we all know, Rabbis are extremely good negotiators. So the Rabbi (who is a human, not a Trid, of course) went to the Land of the Giants. The Giants saw him, and didn't kick him. As it turns out, the Giants were more than willing to let the Trids use their water supply. The Rabbi, like you I'm presuming, was really suprised by this. So, the Giants signed the papers, and that was that. After the negotiations, the Rabbi was still pretty confused, so he finally asked one of the giants why they kept kicking the little guys all the time. "I mean, what did the Trids ever do to you guys?" he asked. The giants looked at the Rabbi and began to laugh. The giants responded, "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

Okay, I'll be kind and limit my posts on this thread to one joke per post. Kudos to anyone who sat through that whole reading. :D

Dernhelm
03-10-2005, 02:31 PM
Yup. That's bad. Really bad.:D

Smog
03-10-2005, 07:53 PM
I like the German national Anthem

"Duitlem, Duitlem, Uberlate vichnich, Iem ur-buac iantu..."

That's not the actual spelling, it's my crude atempt to use German phonetics with an English keybord.

Warrior-Poet51088
03-10-2005, 09:46 PM
Nice, I'mbigger/you'reolder!

If I have time, I might tell two jokes that are somewhat like that! :D :p

I'mbigger/you'reolder
03-11-2005, 02:20 AM
Gaahhh! All of my jokes are best told in person! The best part is seeing the reaction of the person you're telling it to, or, it's just that you have to be in a certain situation to be able to make the punchline. You can't really get that here. Well, so you guys won't get as good a glimpse into my dry humor as I'd like, so you'll just have to settle for this.

Mr. and Mrs. Tomato were walking down the street with their son Tomato Jr. (who names their kid that, I mean really) Anyway, Tomato Jr. had to stop and tie his shoe, when, suddenly, a piano fell on him from nine stories up! His mom and dad looked back, saw everything, and the dad just yelled, "Hey, son, catch up!"

My brother told me that one, it's a classic. :rolleyes:

Dernhelm
03-15-2005, 11:59 AM
Grusome!
But funny!

Smog
03-16-2005, 10:09 PM
What happened tp the tomato? Is he alright? Why isn't he moving...?

black cloak
03-17-2005, 03:25 AM
Smog the tomato went to toato heaven where he is happy

Warrior-Poet51088
03-17-2005, 10:18 AM
Sounds like it's time to make another horribly unfounded movie: All Tomatoes Go to Heaven.

(Maybe we could have a sequel!)

Smog
03-18-2005, 12:34 PM
Hey, could we get Arnold Shawrtzennegger to play "Timmy the Happy Tomato?"

Dernhelm
03-18-2005, 05:00 PM
Careful; you guys are going to make me lafgh< out loud - in the library. Which would be dreadful.

I'mbigger/you'reolder
03-22-2005, 08:13 PM
What would make a dishonest shortcake? A lie-berry!

What weighs 3 ounces and is extremely dangerous? A sparrow with a machine gun!

Thanks 70s Batman TV show!

Dragon
03-23-2005, 12:16 AM
More from Batman:
What is yellow and writes? A ballpoint banana!
What kind of people are always in a hurry? Russians!

Here are some I heard from the Martin and Lewis show (when they hosted the Colgate Comedy Hour):

Dean: "Did you take a bath this morning?"
Jerry: "Why, is one missing?"

There were two prisoners and they had a fight. And the warden wanted to know why they were fighting and they said that one prisoner called the other prisoner a dirty number.

A guy walks into a restaurant and says to the waiter "Do you have frogs legs?" and the waiter says, "No, I always walk this way."

GrayCloak
03-25-2005, 01:39 AM
Microsoft Word just destroyed something I'd really worked hard on, so here's my revenge...;)

-There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"

-Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour."
Bill Gates continued, "Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
In response to all this goading, the GM chairman replied, "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

I feel better now....really at peace with the world....lol.

The Prince
03-25-2005, 07:37 AM
Iv heard a version of that second one but never that first one LOL

Dernhelm
03-25-2005, 02:47 PM
Oh, I love it!!!!!
(I have a grudge against Windows)

Eruname
04-21-2005, 12:47 AM
here's a stupid joke...

what do you get when you cross a pig and a canary?

I don't know, but when it sits on your electric wire and sings, all your lights go out.

Lyra Chappell
04-30-2005, 01:09 PM
Yo Crusader, a here's one you may have to forgive me for; How did Hitler tie his shoes?
With little knotsies... :)

Smog
04-30-2005, 03:02 PM
Ok, how many "Supralapsarianists" does it take to screw in a light bulb?

About 25,000 years!!!

Why did the Synergist cross the road?

Because "Salvation by works"!

What do you call an infralapsarian with a bad hair day?

Reformed!!!

What's the difference between a Calvcavenist and theonist?

About four inches!!!

Thank you, thank you!

(If anybody here gets these jokes I am truly sorry for you)

Thanatos
05-08-2005, 10:42 PM
^ i have to say that i didnt get any of those jokes.....and i think i am gratefull for that.
Sorry i dont have any stupid jokes, i think you guys took most of them. Well at least all the ones i know.

Smog
05-09-2005, 07:01 PM
Well, I think that's a good thing...

Smog
05-20-2005, 04:08 PM
Ok, I have some really good(bad) Star Wars jokes that I heard from a friend whle at the Midnight premiere:

~

How is Duct Tape like the Force?

It has a light side, a dark side and it binds the universe together!

~

What did the Rancore say when he ate a wookie?

Mmm, Chewy!

~

What's the red stuff on the bottom of an AT88?

Slow Ewaks!

~

What makes this sound "Hahahaha... Aww... crack.. THUD!"?

A storm trooper laughing at Darth Vader.

~

Thank you, thank you! (And thank you, Lu ;))

Eruname
05-22-2005, 12:51 AM
hahaha... those were funny... sorta...

Here's my favorite stupid knock knock joke:

1: Knock Knock

2:Who's there?

1: Interrupting cow.

2: Interrupting co--

1: MOO! (said at the same time as ^)

Tarkheena_Finduilas22
06-20-2005, 04:27 PM
OK I've got one.

A teacher was trying to persuade the parents to buy the class picture of the year. "Just think!" she said, "When you're kids are all grown up, you can point at Jimmy and say 'There's Jimmy, He's a lawyer!' or 'There's Emily, she's a doctor!" then a voice from the back of the room said, "Or just say, There's the teacher! She's dead!"

that's baaaaaaad. :D

Tarkheena_Finduilas22
06-20-2005, 04:31 PM
OOOOOOOOOO nother one!

The children were linning up for lunch in a Catholic School. At one end of the table holding food, A nun had put a note on the bowl of apples that said 'Take only one, God is watching' and the other end of the table, there was a pile of cookies and a note written in childish hand that said, 'Take all you want, God is watching the apples'

Ha Ha. I crack myself up! :p

TrueCrusader
06-27-2005, 04:54 PM
Ok i have not been here in a while! Ok here gos mine!


Two hunters are in the woods. Then suddenly a tree falls on the first one. The second hunter panicks and desides to call his friend who is a doctor. So the hunter says " My friend just got hit by a tree!" So the doc says "Don't worry I might be able to help him. First make sure he is dead" So then the hunter takes out his gun and shoots the man on the ground. Then says "OK Now what?"

Smog
06-27-2005, 06:11 PM
Ok i have not been here in a while! Ok here gos mine!


Two hunters are in the woods. Then suddenly a tree falls on the first one. The second hunter panicks and desides to call his friend who is a doctor. So the hunter says " My friend just got hit by a tree!" So the doc says "Don't worry I might be able to help him. First make sure he is dead" So then the hunter takes out his gun and shoots the man on the ground. Then says "OK Now what?"

I like that joke, but you told it wrong. It is supposed to go:

Two hunters are in the woods, when suudenly a tree falls on one and knocks him to the ground. The other hunter, seeing that his friend is hurt, calls 911. "What's your emergency?" asks the operator? "Well, my friend got hit by a falling tree, and I think he might be dead" the hunter says in a worried voice. "It's ok sir, just go and make sure your friend is dead." There is a silence on the other end of the line. BANG! "Ok, he's dead. Now what?"

THATS how the joke goes.

waterhogboy
06-28-2005, 11:21 AM
I may be being utterly stupid....... but I dont geddit...

TrueCrusader
06-28-2005, 12:58 PM
It's not a very funny joke....

Smog
06-28-2005, 02:04 PM
I may be being utterly stupid....... but I dont geddit...


The hunter shot his friend to make sure that he was dead, I guess it's more of an American thing (or a "drunken Red-neck" thing:D).

holyboy
06-28-2005, 02:11 PM
Don't worry, I got it. I think it is an American thing. O well, different humor on this side of the ocean

legolas
07-01-2005, 04:10 PM
(this is an old thread.. ah well!!) ok...

Two atoms ran into a bar. One atom asked the other, "How are you?" The other atom said, "I'm positive"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA hey, why is know one laughing???

holyboy
07-01-2005, 04:26 PM
Does anybody know the cowism jokes? Its the one that goes "You have two cows; you sell one and buy a bull" for all of the different governments.

legolas
07-01-2005, 04:32 PM
never heard of it!!!!!!!!!

Dernhelm
07-04-2005, 09:20 PM
Well, I thought these were pretty funny -- takeofs on LOTR:


Lord of the Rings, by PG Wodehouse

"Sam, I've decided to go and overthrow the Dark Lord by tossing his jewellery into a volcano."

"Very good, sir. Should I lay out your crazy adventure garb? I presume that this will pose a delay to tea-time. I would remind your Hobbitship that your Great Aunt Lobellia Sackville-Baggins is expected for tea."

"Blast! I say, bother! How can a chap overthrow the Dark Lord? I suppose I will have to delay my campaign."

"Very good, sir. I believe you will be free in about a decade."

"I'll do it then. Make a note, Sam."


Lord of the Rings, by Oscar Wilde

"He bested me in a riddle contest."

"A riddle contest?"

"It was so. And he cheated."

"To cheat in a riddle contest is a riddle in itself, and is therefore not cheating, but just another riddle."

"He cheated and asked me what he had in his pockets."

"He picked and pocketed a pretty prize, performing perfidious behaviour. How very noble, so like our own Lords and Masters"....


Yes, Dark Lord, by Lynn & Jay

"Ah, Lord Sauron. I have here the draft of your speech to the Nazgul Committee on Running Water."

"Still waters run deep, Sir Grishnakh?"

"Er, with respect, Dark Lord, if waters are still, then they can't run at all, deep or shallow."

"Thank you, Bernard. Where would we be without you. What's the gist of my speech?"

"Essentially, Lord Sauron, that the policy of the Dark Lord Administration is to avoid having a policy, and that the absence of a policy does not betoken a lack of policy, but a policy of policy limitation, limiting policy intiatives to initial policy outlines, without precluding disparate policy intiatives within the policy outlines."

"Pardon?"

"You'll tell them they can do what they like, Lord Sauron."....





Lord of the Rings, by George Lucas

"Did you ever wonder who your father was, Frodo?"

"Uncle Bilbo was my father, Obi Gan Dalf."

"Your Uncle is a fine man, but he is not your father. Your father was a fine warrior and a great captain, strong in the Force. He was called Sarumann the Wise, and he was a good friend."

"Was? Is he dead?"

"He is no more. It is your destiny to avenge his death, young Baggins."




Lord of the Rings, by Christopher Martin-Jenkins

"It's a lovely summer's evening here in the Paths of the Dead. Aragorn has won the toss, and has decided to bat. Interesting decision, and Jonathon Agnew has some news on that, so I'll pass you over to Jonathon while Fred cuts me a slice of that delicious orc cake sent in by Mrs Galadriel of Lorien Wood. Thank you Mrs Galadriel."

"Well, Chris, I've just been speaking with Eowyn, who said that she had recommended that Aragorn should send the other side in to the Paths of the Dead first. It seems that opening in there can be nasty. Bit of an uncomfortable pitch. The green slopes of Pelenor Fields are much more suitable to the opening pair of Aragorn and Eomer. Raggers seems keen to play a Captain's innings today. I gather the bearded wonder has some statistics for us?"

"According to my records, the last time anyone went in on the Paths of the Dead, it was a sticky wicket."

"I wonder if we'll see that again today. Well, Raggers has come out, and I must say, his new sword looks a lot better. Reforged, I hear. Fred?"

"I don't know about forged or reforged, but he'll need to show more application than he has done. Treated his sword like it were broken."

"That's true, but he has done some remarkable running between the countries. Oh dear, it looks like they're going in for the day. Yes, they're definitely going in to the Paths of the Dead...."



Lord of the Rings, by Gene Roddenbury

"The Halflings, cap'n, they will na take the strain"

"Strider, we've got to get out of this snow. Legolas, did you get a reading on that creature?"

"Fascinating, Captain. It appears to be an unknown creature that lurks in the pool waiting for passing strangers. Ecologically implausible, captain."

"Do you know what it is?"

"I believe I said it was unknown, Dr Gimli. Logically, if I knew what it was, then it wouldn't be unknown."

"Cap'n, we're in some sort of temporal warp, stretching and deforming the plot. The snow should take place a day before our encounter with this beastie."

"Captain, what are we going to do."

"Boromir, put on that red armour."....



The Lord of the Rings, by Ernest Hemingway

Frodo Baggins looked at the ring. The ring was round. It was a good ring. The hole at the heart of the ring was also round. The hole was clean and pure. The hole at the heart of the ring had an emptiness in it that made Frodo Baggins remember the big skies of the Shire when his father had taken him out and taught him to tear the heads off the small, furred things that walked there, even though he hated blood in those days and the stink of the blood was always part of the emptiness for him then and ever after.

Frodo Baggins could put the ring on his finger now. The stink of the blood and the hole and the emptiness could never leave him now. Frodo Baggins looked at the ash-heap slopes of Mordor and remembered the Cuban orc who had kept the ash on his cigar all the way to the end. The orc just drew on the cigar and smoked the cigar calmly and kept the ash in a long gray finger, a hard finger, right to the moment that the Rangers beat hit to death with clubs. He was mucho orco, the Cuban.

Frodo Baggins looked at the ring and the hole and smelled the sulfur smell that came from the vent in the mountain. There were scorched black bushes round the vent. The vent was like the cleft of the old whore at the Prancing Pony on the night that the Black Riders came. Frodo Baggins reached in his pouch and took out the flask of good grappa there and filled his mouth and swallowed the grappa. She was mucha puta, the old whore.

Frodo Baggins could spit again so he spat hard, once. He took the ring and threw it into the vent.

The earth moved.


The Lord of the Rings, by W.S. Gilbert
(to the tune of "We Sail the Ocean Blue")

We are hobbits of the Shire
And we're off to visit Mordor.
We hope to set the world on fire,
And return here in good order.

We tramp - we tramp - o'er Middle Earth
And we say our foe's a lizard!
We're full - we're full - of childish mirth
And our leader is a wizard

O yay! O yay! Our leader is a wiz -
O yay! O yay! He definitely IS.

We are hobbits of the Shire...


The Lord of the Rings, by Lewis Carroll

Frodo peered at the wizard, who looked like nothing he'd ever seen before except in a nightmare after his elder sister's birthday party.

"Come on", he said, "No time to lose, we've got to go and lose Bilbo's ring!"

"Lose it?", said Frodo, "Why, I've only just found it."

"Tut tut, no time to argue, we've got to go and lose it again."

"But *can* we just lose something like that?" asked Frodo. "Without so much as a by-your-leave or how-de-do?" he added a little impertinently.

"Of course we can" said the strange wizard, "Why, I've frequently lost as many as six things before breakfast, rings included. I dare say you haven't had much practice at losing things. We can do *much* better than that if we really try, you know," he said, blowing several smoky rings of various colours into the room.

Frodo blinked, and wondered if his big sister had had *another* party the night before.

The Lord of the Rings, by A.A. Milne

"What we're going to do," said Frodo, "is we're going to go on an expotition."

"Ooh" said Pippin, "what will we discover?"

"We're not going to *discover* anything, Pippin, we're going to *undiscover* uncle Bilbo's old ring."

"CAN you undiscover things?" asked Sam. "Discovering doesn't seem to be a thing you can UN-, if you know what I mean."

"Sam", said Frodo, sharpening his pencil, "You haven't any brain."

Sam shuffled off trying to look like he hadn't said anything, and that it was one of Frodo's many friends and relations. Frodo continued, "Anything that can be discovered, can be *undiscovered*, it stands to reason."

"My grandfather Brandybuck undiscovered his spectacles once," said Merry.

"There you go then, that proves it then," said Frodo. "Of course, we shall have to beware of Trolls and Orcs and Things, that will try to stop us."

"Ooh", said Pippin, shivering slightly, but only because it was cold, he told himself. "Do you mean they'll chase us with swords and Other Deadly Weapons? Actually, I've just remembered something important I have to do, that can only be done on... what day is it tomorrow Merry?"

"Pippin," said Frodo, sucking his new sharp pencil, "You haven't any pluck!"

"It's hard to be brave," said Pippin looking crestfallen, "When you're a *very* small hobbit."



The Lord of the Rings, by Archbishop Cranmer

The purposes of this endeavour are threefold.

Firstly, that this ring should be utterly destroyed and banished from the face of the earth, for ever and ever, amen.

Secondly, for the comfort and companionship that the free peoples shall have, the one from the others, in the certain knowledge that all the free peoples are allied in the great struggle against the works of Sauron and all his pomp.

And thirdly, the restoration of the heirs of Numenor to their estates, and the protection of Elvendom in Middle Earth, under the wardship of the Lords of the West, and the divine guidance and blessings of Eru Iluvatar in his timeless halls.

waterhogboy
07-05-2005, 01:32 PM
Lord of the Rings, by Christopher Martin-Jenkins

"It's a lovely summer's evening here in the Paths of the Dead. Aragorn has won the toss, and has decided to bat. Interesting decision, and Jonathon Agnew has some news on that, so I'll pass you over to Jonathon while Fred cuts me a slice of that delicious orc cake sent in by Mrs Galadriel of Lorien Wood. Thank you Mrs Galadriel."

"Well, Chris, I've just been speaking with Eowyn, who said that she had recommended that Aragorn should send the other side in to the Paths of the Dead first. It seems that opening in there can be nasty. Bit of an uncomfortable pitch. The green slopes of Pelenor Fields are much more suitable to the opening pair of Aragorn and Eomer. Raggers seems keen to play a Captain's innings today. I gather the bearded wonder has some statistics for us?"

"According to my records, the last time anyone went in on the Paths of the Dead, it was a sticky wicket."

"I wonder if we'll see that again today. Well, Raggers has come out, and I must say, his new sword looks a lot better. Reforged, I hear. Fred?"

"I don't know about forged or reforged, but he'll need to show more application than he has done. Treated his sword like it were broken."

"That's true, but he has done some remarkable running between the countries. Oh dear, it looks like they're going in for the day. Yes, they're definitely going in to the Paths of the Dead...."

Do any Americans get this one?!?! :D

legolas
07-05-2005, 01:46 PM
No. Not at all.

waterhogboy
07-05-2005, 03:44 PM
LOL - theyre cricket commentators - I doubted youd know them.

Dernhelm
07-08-2005, 09:18 AM
Well, I did know it had to do with cricket...I don't know who they are, but then, the people that do sports in america that "everyone" knows about I don't know about either!

Capstick
07-08-2005, 12:12 PM
LOL, Dernhelm, that was great! :D I especially loved the version done by Gene Roddenberry ...

...Although I've never seen a cricket match before, I've watched enough sports events with British commentators to appreciate that version.

Dernhelm
07-08-2005, 12:44 PM
Glad you like it :D

Dragon
07-20-2005, 11:05 PM
Three ladies die and go to heaven. Like in any other joke, they are greeted by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. He says that their names are in the Book of Life and that they may enter. But as they enter he gives them a strict warning: "Do not step on any of the ducks, or you will be punished."

Though thinking this is strange, they go in, only to find that the streets are covered with ducks. It's not long before the first of the ladies steps on a duck. An angel comes by with a hideously ugly man and handcuffs him to the lady as a punishment. Sadly, the lady continues in eternity attached to the ugly and rude man. Several days later, the second lady accidently steps on a duck. Shortly after, another angel comes by and handcuffs another ugly man to this lady, making them spend eternity together.

Seeing the fate of the duck-steppers, the third lady is extremely careful and manages to avoid all of the ducks. After a few months, an angel comes by with a very handsome young man and handcuffs the two of them together. The third lady was pleased, but still a little confused.

"I wonder what I could have done to deserve this?" she thought aloud.

"I don't know about you," said the handsome young man, "but I stepped on a duck."

Smog
07-21-2005, 12:26 AM
Lol, Dragon, but that is an old one...(Not that it wasn't funny :D)

unleavened
07-22-2005, 08:48 PM
Ok, forgive me if someone already told this one, but I just have to for the sake of...I dunno...I just do.

So there's these 2 muffins sitting in an oven baking, as muffins placed in ovens usually do. The first muffin turns to the second muffin and and says "Boy, it's really getting hot in here."
The second muffin says "Ack! A talking muffin!"

HAHAHAHA...well, my campers liked it...the first time.

holyboy
07-23-2005, 06:36 PM
Alright, I have a bad joke...

Two guys are sitting on a bench. The first guy says "Man, my life is so messed up. I send my son out to get a job, and he comes back married!"

The second guy says, "You think you've got problems. I send my son out to become a chef, and he comes back a politician!"

All of the sudden, there is a voice from heaven (ie God) and he says, "Oy, you think you've got problems. I send my son into the world, and he comes back a different religion!"

Ha Ha...no.

Tarkheena_Finduilas22
07-25-2005, 08:10 AM
There once was a girl named Myrtle, who had a pet turtle! One day myrtle looked at her turtle, and she couldn't see his arms legs or head. It's dead! she wailed, so her family and friends got together a nice funeral for the turtle. There was a nice procesion and lots of flowers but just as they were putting the turtle in the cigar box, it poked out its arms legas and head. Myrtle looked at the turtle and then at the big bunch of people and all the flowers and said, Lets Kill it!!!

ooooooo. That's was terrible I know.

unleavened
07-31-2005, 04:14 PM
So, there's these 2 noodles in a pan boiling, as noodles usually do in pans. One noodle turns to the other and says, "Boy, it's really getting hot in here." The second noodle turns to the first noodle and says, "Ack! A talking noodle!"

Dragon
08-01-2005, 01:42 AM
On a flight to Houston, a blonde took a seat in the first class row of the plane although her seating assignment was third class. An attendant noticing this politely asked her to go to her assigned seat. Determined, she said, "No. I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to Houston." Aggrivated, the attendant fetched the copilot. The copilot more firmly told the blonde to go to her assigned seating, but she remained there, saying, "No. I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to Houston!" The copilot, not being able to get her move, went back to the cockpit, but one the way, another passenger noticed the situation and offered to talk to her, saying he was married to a blonde and knew how to talk to them. He approached the blonde and whispered something in her ear. The blonde looked embarrassed, apologized, and went toward the back of the plane to her assigned seat. The copilot asked what that was about and how he got her to move. "Simple," he said. "I told her that first class wasn't going to Houston."

Tarkheena_Finduilas22
08-01-2005, 07:31 AM
I dispize blonde jokes. Know why? You can probobly guess. anyways. I do like this joke though.

There once was these three girls. A brunette, a red head, and a blonde. Well, they were sneaking around a barn, but then they heard someone coming, so they each proceded to hide somewhere. The Brunette hid behind a cow, the red head a horse, and the Blonde, a sack of potatoes. Well that somone suspected something so he started poking things. First he poked the cow, and the brunette said, "moooo". Then he poked the horse and the red head said, "Neeighh!" and then he poked the sack of potatoes and the blonde said "Potatoes, potatoes."

I think EVERYONE has probobly heard that joke.

holyboy
08-01-2005, 01:07 PM
A plane was about to leave an airport, when two men walked onto the plane. One was carrying a walking stick used for the blind, and another was being ushered by a guard dog. The two men were blind, and they were dressed in pilot and copilot suits. A couple of the passengers started to laugh, thinking it was a cruel joke by the airline. The pilot and copilot went through the pilot's door, and the plane started moving. The passengers were starting to get a bit worried, but they still thought it was a joke. The plane started to move, and the passengers just assumed the men weren't really blind. The plane started to move down the runway. The plane was about to reach the end of the runway, and the plane wasn't taking off! The passengers started to scream, praying for their lives, when the plane lifted off the ground at the last second. The copilot turned to the pilot, and said

"You know, one of these days, the passengers aren't gonna scream, and then we'll be in real trouble."

Dernhelm
08-01-2005, 01:09 PM
lol! I like that one.

unleavened
08-01-2005, 05:17 PM
So, there's these 2 popsicles in a freezer freezing as popsicles usually do in freezers. The first popsicle turns to the second popsicle and says, "Boy, it's really getting cold in here." The second popsicle turns to the first one and says, "Ack! A talking popsicle!"

Smog
08-01-2005, 05:27 PM
So, there are these two beans sitting in a pan frying as beans normally do when one bean says to the other, "Hey, is it getting hot in here?" The second bean turns to the first and says "Dude, you told this stupid joke three times already. It's no longer funny so just nock it off. Geeeeesh!" ;)

holyboy
08-02-2005, 03:12 PM
Marriage is like a three ring circus:

Engagement Ring
Wedding Ring
SuffeRing

unleavened
08-02-2005, 04:45 PM
So, there are these two beans sitting in a pan frying as beans normally do when one bean says to the other, "Hey, is it getting hot in here?" The second bean turns to the first and says "Dude, you told this stupid joke three times already. It's no longer funny so just nock it off. Geeeeesh!" ;)

So, there's these 2 spoons in a sink, being washed as spoons in sinks usually do. The first spoon turns to the second and says, "Boy, it's really getting wet in here!" The second spoon turns to the first one and says, "Ack! A talking spoon!"

Is it funny the forth time?

Dernhelm
08-02-2005, 04:55 PM
Aghrgharcyarrrrr!

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

unleavened
08-02-2005, 05:00 PM
Aghrgharcyarrrrr!

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

Guess not...

Ok, you guys have to guess the answer to this riddle. Don't worry, this isn't as lame as is seems at the start.

How do you get an elephant in the fridge?

More to come...

Smog
08-02-2005, 05:37 PM
How do you get an elephant in the fridge?

Easy; buy a really BIG refrigerator!

Dernhelm
08-02-2005, 06:13 PM
Ack! I know that one...I just can't remember...

Dragon
08-02-2005, 10:03 PM
How do you get an elephant in the fridge?
I know! I know! Unpack its trunk!

waterhogboy
08-03-2005, 06:56 AM
You push it in.

unleavened
08-03-2005, 03:45 PM
You all stink at this. Open the fridge and put him in. Der!

How do you get a giraffe in the fridge?

Please tell me you people have heard this before!

waterhogboy
08-03-2005, 05:16 PM
You take the elephant out and put it in instead

Smog
08-03-2005, 05:32 PM
Lol!

I have a guess, but this is a "G" rated site, so I'll decline from it. So, unleavend, please tell us, how you get such a large mammal into the fridge?

unleavened
08-03-2005, 11:11 PM
You take the elephant out and put it in instead

You got it! Yay! I don't feel so horribly eccentric now.

Ok, So the beloved Lion king is having a birthday. Well, of course this means a birthday party complete with cake and balloons. What animal is not there?

waterhogboy
08-04-2005, 06:35 AM
I know it - but I wont say

Smog
08-04-2005, 05:33 PM
Ok, So the beloved Lion king is having a birthday. Well, of course this means a birthday party complete with cake and balloons. What animal is not there?

Well, I would assume any Herbivores, seeing that the Lions would eat them... Maybe the Giraffe, because he's still in the fridge?

waterhogboy
08-05-2005, 11:08 AM
Oh - I heard a good joke on Neighbours today.

Did you hear about scarecrow who won the Nobel Prize???


They say he's outstanding in his field! :D

Good old stingray timmons!

Smog
08-05-2005, 11:39 AM
Wait, I am confussed. Are we talking about the Scarecrow from Wizard of Oz, or are we talking about the Batman villian?

waterhogboy
08-05-2005, 11:43 AM
It doesn't matter!?!?! It refers to A scarecrow.

unleavened
08-05-2005, 02:58 PM
Well, I would assume any Herbivores, seeing that the Lions would eat them... Maybe the Giraffe, because he's still in the fridge?
Good show! The Giraffe is missing b/c he's in the fidge. (The lion king doesn't eat his sujects. Generally this method or ruling tends to fail.)
Ok, You go on a Safari and get lost in the Jungle, seperated from your group. Suddenly you find yourself by a river. You are about to cross it, when you hear a shout. You turn to see a native standing a little ways off. "That river is infested with Crocodiles!" (Yes, this native speaks english...). How do you get across. No you can't turn around and go go back. There is no bridge, and it's cheating to have Jesus help you walk on the water.

holyboy
08-05-2005, 03:06 PM
Your in a jungle. There are trees. MAKE A BRIDGE!

Smog
08-05-2005, 03:36 PM
Easy, you throw the native in the river and ride him like a raft to freedom...

black cloak
08-05-2005, 03:49 PM
swim across

unleavened
08-06-2005, 11:23 PM
Easy, you throw the native in the river and ride him like a raft to freedom...
Not quite...creative though.
BC was closer. You swim across. Don't worry about the crocs. They're at the Lion king's party.

And that concludes the line of riddles. Too bad I put them in the wrong thread.

Dernhelm
10-23-2005, 03:45 PM
I thought this was kindof funny...:D

QueenLucy07
10-24-2005, 03:35 PM
Wow, i can think of a couple of people who will get offended seeing that...lol

Lord Eirek
10-24-2005, 06:25 PM
Oooh I got a really bad joke.

Two fish are in a tank......
one says "you drive I'll man
the gun".....................:o

glamel
11-09-2005, 03:38 AM
ive got one, !

A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did.
When she asked young Johnny, he said
"My father's dead, MIss"
"Oh, I am sorry JOhnny, In that case, what did he do, befor ehe died?"
" He went blue and collapsed"
:)

Eccentric Bibliophile
11-09-2005, 09:36 AM
Ok I've got one,

Abraham was sitting on a hill working on his computer when Isaac shows up. "Hey dad what's up?" the son asks. Abraham looks up from the computer and says "Not much, I'm just trying install XP onto my Laptop. Think you could help me with it?". Well Isaac goes over to the computer and looks at it and says "Dad, you do realize this is an extremely old computer...I mean it's having trouble even with DOS, there's no way you can put XP on here. There's just not enough memory". Abraham just looks at his son smiling and says "Do not worry my son, God will provide the RAM".

:p

PrinceOfTheWest
11-09-2005, 09:54 AM
Oh, that hurt, EB!

Saruman
11-09-2005, 10:28 AM
This one is terrible, and it was said on the radio by someone (very heartless) when the Challenger exploded. At any rate, it was also a horrible "joke":

Christa McAuliffe had blue eyes: one "blue" this way and the other "blue" that way.

Awful, I know, but also a very sour joke.

Smog
11-09-2005, 11:42 PM
Dude, that was really bad...

Ok, I have one-
-There are these two guys sitting on top of the Empire State building, drinking beers. The first man says to the other, "you know, at this height, you could jump off this building, and survive." "And how does that work?" Said the other man sarcastically. "Well" says the first man "I figure that if you jump from here, by the time you get ten floors down, the wind currents will pick you up, and float you back into the building." "Prove it" says the second man.
So, the first man jumps from the building and falls straight down, five, four, three, two, one floors and then he suddenly begins to float. He floats right back up to the observation deck where he says to the second man, "see, what did I tell you?" "Alright then, let me try" says the second man and he leaps off of the building. Five, four, three, two, one, SPLAT!
Just then the bartenders walks up to the first man and says, "You know, you're really mean when you drink, Superman."

Ok, I know it isn't brilliant, but then again this is the bad jokes thread.

sweetpumpkin87
11-10-2005, 06:55 PM
ok this one is so dumb

what time is it when you look at the bellybutton of a knight

what time

Knight time

Eccentric Bibliophile
11-10-2005, 07:15 PM
ummm....yeah... :confused:

sweetpumpkin87
11-10-2005, 07:54 PM
you don't get the joke i laughed for like 5 minutes even though it is really dumb

Eccentric Bibliophile
11-10-2005, 08:04 PM
there's a word for that, sad.

sweetpumpkin87
11-10-2005, 08:07 PM
I like the word pathetic better :D :p

glamel
11-14-2005, 02:54 AM
1.Why are horses poor dancers?
=They have two left feet.

2. Why do dogs chase their tails?
= They want to make ends meet.

3. What did one hat say to the other hat?
=You stay here. I'll go on a head.

:( :mad: :(

Sam
11-14-2005, 12:55 PM
ok here is a classic from my childhood-

what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

'where's my tractor?'

oh yes, that had them rolling in the aisles.

:eek:

Jewel of Narnia
11-18-2005, 10:39 PM
I have a stupid joke.....

Q: Why is perfume so obedient?
A: Because it's scent everywhere it goes.
*drums*

hahahahaha :o

Smog
11-19-2005, 12:39 AM
People like you are the reason people like me need medication! jkjk

Emily_Cullen
07-09-2006, 09:32 PM
Yo momma so fat 20 people are on one side of the plane she is on the other side :D