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View Full Version : A Narnian Lulliby


Xizor
01-11-2006, 12:38 AM
This is like, my first fanfic in a LONG time, so I doubt I'm very good any more, but I used to write several Legend of Zelda fics, so uhh...here I go.

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"Gather 'round children, gather 'round," an old man, a faun, said to his great grand-children. The old faun sat in his favorite chair next to a dwindling fire as the children circled around him. All seven of them stared at him intently.

"Grandpa, c'mon! Tell us the story!"

The old faun smirked, "Oh ho, and what story is that?"

The children all giggled and said, "the one of High King Peter! You know, with the Dark Army and the Evil Lord from the South, Palentine!"

"Oh, so it's that story that you want, is it? Well alright. It was a long time ago..."

***

And King Peter was out in front of his castle at Cair Paravel practicing his swordsmenship. He had been crowned High King only five years ago, and of a mere twenty-one years of age, he was quite a strapping fellow. He swung his sword this way and that with great precision, grace, and accuracy. He had been out there for about an hour, and when he had finished (about an hour and a half after he had first gone out), tired and sweaty, he went out towards the water. He stood looking at the beautiful afternoon sky, a light breeze blowing his golden-blonde hair a little.

Coming from the castle was a terrible scream. He looked towards it with great panic, and started to run towards it, and was grateful later he still had his shoes on. When he finally arrived at the castle, he ran up the steps and found Susan staring at a limp body on the ground.

"I just found him like that!" she said, her eyes watery and red, her hair in a tangle.

Peter ran over and turned the body to see the man's face: it was Edmund!

"By Aslan...wha...we...we have to get him some help!" and he picked up his brother (who was heavier than he looked) and rushed him to the castle infirmary. Susan had run off to fetch someone, and told someone else to go and get Lucy. When the two queens and a nurse came back, Edmund had stopped breathing, and Peter was a little frantic.

"It'll be ok," Lucy tried to reassure her two older siblings, as she had recieved the least amount of shock by this so far. After the nurse got Edmund breathing again, Lucy gave him a droplet of her magic elixer. He woke up; whatever injury he had was healed, mental, physical, or otherwise.

"I felt the strangest sensation...it felt...evil."

And all four of the monarchs looked at each other, and dread filled their minds. There was only one possible explanation: somehow, the White Witch was back.

Aslan's King
01-11-2006, 12:20 PM
That was great! how did you come up with that? I wish I could write something like that!

Xizor
01-11-2006, 07:17 PM
Well I'm glad for your comment! I'll post some more later and make it a little longer. That section was shorter than I'd hoped....

williams_gurl
01-11-2006, 07:34 PM
Yes you should write more that was really good.you should send me one of your stories!

Aslan's King
01-12-2006, 06:21 PM
Me too. And I don't care how long it or any of yours are, they are great

EveningStar
01-14-2006, 09:59 PM
I think you are on to something here and I encourage you to go for it. But if your readers are on a self-guided tour, you need more signposts to help keep them on the trail, my friend.

There is a place where, because the thing that harmed Edmund felt...evil...that it was supposedly clear the White Witch had returned.

I can think of a hundred other small details he might have rememebered that would have given me the impression that somehow it had to be the WW.

Things such as....

"I heard that voice..."
"How do you know it was her?"
"If I live to be a thousand, I'll never forget that voice."

or

"She said, 'That was a very clever trick, young man. But I am even more clever.'"

or

"I could smell that fragrance she always wore. You know, it was almost sickeningly sweet and at first you want to get away from it, but it's magic and it begins to weaken your resolve. She could tell you the sky was green and you'd begin to believe it.... And that smell was there."

Give the reader signposts. Lead them to the conclusion so that they will realize it's Jadis before you even tell them openly.

If anyone here is interested in some sort of IRC chat or whatnot to get instant feedback on ideas, do let me know.

Xizor
01-16-2006, 08:03 PM
Well I hate to give away things, but it isn't her, they're wrong. I haven't finished the series, but in a way it's good I left out the tell tale clues. Like I said, I wish the section had been longer, but eventually it'll all make sense. God I hate writing these kinds of stories XD.

Rhyanidd
01-17-2006, 06:57 PM
I really like it!