The Little Goodbyes

[Copperfox]

Almost a year ago, on a grocery-shopping excursion, Janalee picked out a box of frozen blintzes as a novelty. She was always trying out different foods--or buying them, anyway; we didn't get everything eaten that she bought, before she was invited to the Great Bridegroom's banquet hall.

So today, as part of my lunch, I finally cooked and ate those blintzes. This was one more of what I call my "little goodbyes" to Jan. There are so many things that link me to her still, I may find myself saying little goodbyes right up to the day when I get to say hello again, to her AND Mary.

Any of you who have lost loved ones--or even merely seen them move away to another city--may have your own links to them, your own little goodbyes. If we discuss these a bit, maybe the NEXT forum member to be bereaved (Aslan grant that this not be soon) will be a little more prepared for the grieving process.

[bruiser]

I never really have any goodbyes to tell the truth. When my dogs died I'd keep their collars and they are hung around my room, I buried them in my backyard, so their always there when I need to have my silent moments with them.
My great-grandfather. Every one tells me that I'm just like him. He was insanely picky on how he ate and what he ate, as am I. [I literally pick apart a cheeseburger and I only eat one thing at a time. He did too.] So just by eating I'm connected to him.
I have a hat that my great-grandmother made me before I was born. It hangs in my room also.

I always have something that will never waste away from my past and my deceased friends. So I'll never have to say goodbye.
Besides, I never say goodbye, even at the end of a conversation. I always say later or until then. :]

[Copperfox]

Thank you for joining in, little darling. Perhaps my closing phrase with you should be "Till always and forever."

[bruiser]

hehe, and I'll respond with, "No silly it's 'Till always and foreber.'"
:D

[Desert Wolf]

I grew as the son a military officer, most of my childhood was spent at dozen different towns across the United States and Europe. I remember it being fairly tough as kid having to make new friends and leave friends every few years. One of the things I always did was never actually say goodbye, in my mind as long as I never said goodbye I would see them again. I still go by this, I find it comforting to think I might run into them someday. Goodbye seems way to final.

[bruiser]

I agree with DW. Goodbye has always been a bit too strong and final to me.

[Primsong]

My father passed away just last year - he lived far away but was always, always sending us little boxes and packages with interesting, creative or beautiful things in them, usually with a note. I am still saying goodbye to him every time I find one of those little notes, or one of his poems, or wear one of the pieces of jewelry he loved to send me. I am saying goodbye when I use the gourmet seasonings he loved to stock my kitchen with. I am saying goodbye every time I work in my yard, as my love of gardening came from him. I am starting to cry just typing this post - but it's a 'good' kind of tears, a part of the healing.

[Copperfox]

Thank you for telling us about that, Primsong. Have you ever thought about joining a church's bereavement ministry, in which you could comfort others who know loss? I've done that, as did my first wife Mary before I was bereft of her.

[Desert Wolf]

In May of 2007 a good friend of mine died in a motorcycle accident. I'm still dealing with the sorrow a year and a half later. I found out a lot things about my friend after he died, and I trully felt as though I hadn't known him as well as I thought which hurt. I trusted him a lot and I thought he trusted me. Most of all though I missed my friend, a guy I had spent almost every waking moment with in the months leading up until when he died.

In the end only one thing made me feel comfortable and that was that he was in better place:

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth. The former heaven and the former earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. I also saw the holy city of Jerusalem coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, God's dwelling is with the human race. He will dwell with them and they will be his people and God himself will always be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there shall be no more death or mourning, wailing or pain, the old order has passed away."
Revelation 21:1-4

The idea of heaven and the fact that he was in a better place was the only thing that comforted me.

[Mrs Gil-Galad Took]

To say goodbye is always difficult. If it's true what is going on I will certainly loose my mother (alzheimer) and how are you going to deal with that? I already have a tough time to think about she might not be around within 10 years from now. I'm already happy I could have fullfilled her wish. She always wanted to see Canada and we went there last year.

[gair]

I think it may be worse to have the little goodbyes?

if you have grieved and cried until you are ill, and then try and live your life and then find something, or smell something, and all the memories of the person come hurtling back and you have to start all over again because you miss them so much.

[Copperfox]

Yes, that's true. Love comes with a price tag, which is the price of exposing ourselves to sorrow through loss. But refusing to love anyone (I'm not saying that this is what you're proposing) is a cure worse than the disease.

[Desert Wolf]

My father has told me a few stories over the years about how he had come close to death several times while flying for the US Air Force. Bird strikes, near mid-air collisons, high speed landing tire fires, and a crucifix almost killed my father from time to time. The danger of the work never really bothered him much, he loved flying. What did bother him though were some of the friends he had lost along the way, especially after a plane crashed in La Junta Colorado a year after I was born.

My father had been scheduled to fly on that training mission as an instructor. The aircraft was a B-1B and had four ejection seats, but the instructors didn't sit in ejection seats they sat in regular seats. My father was pulled off the flight at the last moment by the base commander that wanted my father to finish up some work at the command post, and he was replaced by another instructor.

Later that day while my father was in the command post he got a phone call from an Air Force officer in Colorado that one of my father's unit's aircraft had crashed. My father was shocked to find out that it was the aircraft he was supposed to be on. Of the six men on board, only three got out of the aircraft. The two instructors and the copilot had been killed. The resulting investigation showed the aircraft had been hit by 30 pound goose that had destroyed the hydraulics and caused an engine fire. The bird strike, which commonly occurs, was one in a million because of the damage caused by it.

My father struggled with the fact of knowing he had a one year old son and a wife, and the fact that he would have died if he hadn't been replaced by the other instructor. Furthermore, he knew that the man who had replaced him had a family as well.

At time it would bring my father to tears to think about what could have been and why he was still alive when the other guy was just like him. The way he eventually dealt with it was quite simple, he accepted the fact that God had a plan no matter what happened. My father reminded himself each day that when he wore his uniform, he was living tribute to his friends that had died. My father lost other friend in the military to combat and accidents, the closest my father ever came to death was in 1993 in Nevada when he came within two feet of colliding with another aircraft during a military exercise. In 2007 he retired and at his retirement ceremony, during the folding of the flag said, "That the flag repersented many things to him, but mostly the sacrafice laid on the alter of freedom in times of peace and war." To this day my father still flies a US flag and POW/MIA flag outside our house, I know he will till the day he dies.

[inkspot]

Right at first, the "little goodbyes" are very hard. I find that after a few years, maybe a few decades, it's okay to touch the memory, and be surprised by the tears.

When my best friend passed, she had lived with me for a while when her folks moved to another state, until she got a job and an apartment, and she was a much more, sort of alive or joyful kind of person than I was at the time, and she had made little touches around my tiny apartment like big raffia flowers in a crazy Mexican jug on a bookshelf.

Years later, on a trip to Mexico, I saw the same kind of arrangement and was suddenly so close to her, so totally reminded of her, I was laughing and crying ... It seemed OK by then, OK that she was gone, but sad, too.

[HugsForReepicheep]

Any of you who have lost loved ones--or even merely seen them move away to another city--may have your own links to them, your own little goodbyes. If we discuss these a bit, maybe the NEXT forum member to be bereaved (Aslan grant that this not be soon) will be a little more prepared for the grieving process.

I'd rather call them little hellos. :) It's like I'm closer to the person I lost, my memories come back stronger and my imagination of when we'll meet again wanders...

I'm not sure knowing how others went (or go) through grieving can relieve someone else's pain, because losses are just so different one from the other. Things happen so differently, people react so differently, that I sometimes feel I don't get at all their pain and they don't get mine.

[Copperfox]

I still call them "goodbyes," because Janalee will not be returning to me in this world, and when something vividly reminds me of her it also reminds me that she is NOT here with me in any form I can routinely interact with.

[HugsForReepicheep]

I still call them "goodbyes," because Janalee will not be returning to me in this world, and when something vividly reminds me of her it also reminds me that she is NOT here with me in any form I can routinely interact with.

I guess it's a matter of (remembering that other thread) perspective. Your loss is recent, mine's been there for quite a while, so these little moments keep me looking for Jesus' return.

[Copperfox]

When Jan and I first moved to what would be her last earthly house, neighbors gave us a double package of chocolate truffles. We did eat the first bag, but never opened the second. Sunday evening, I opened the second bag, remembering how Jan had struggled to retrieve her sense of taste from the clutches of brain damage. Sometimes she was able to taste chocolate. Now--who knows what other-worldly flavors she can enjoy?

[Copperfox]

Today I am cooking a large pork roast which Jan and I bought about a week before she died. Having no clue that she WAS going to die, we were thinking we would serve it to company.

[SongsofLife]

Today I am cooking a large pork roast which Jan and I bought about a week before she died. Having no clue that she WAS going to die, we were thinking we would serve it to company.

Would it be lovely to actually share it with company now, Copperfox?

[Celebrion Seregon]

My grandfather passed this summer...and he had some sayings and habits....he LOVED his deserts, and he would never ASK for desert...he would simply take up his fork and slowly touch the handle end to the table and twist it, as he got more and more impatient he would increase the speed until he was just tapping it on the table. lol, sometimes I'll do this and remember him. also certain sayings when people drop something "is it heavy" "just a swinging" and other things....

[Copperfox]

Songs, as it happened, I ended up BEING company tonight. My daughter asked me over for dinner on short notice, but I always enjoy being with her. She served a BEEF roast, thus not quite duplicative of my PORK roast from lunch!

[SongsofLife]

Songs, as it happened, I ended up BEING company tonight. My daughter asked me over for dinner on short notice, but I always enjoy being with her. She served a BEEF roast, thus not quite duplicative of my PORK roast from lunch!

What a nice twist! I'm glad you got to share some table fellowship with your daughter.

"Songs" :)

[Copperfox]

There was table fellowship for me again tonight, with my local buddy Bill Parry (NO connection to the "Will Parry" in "His Dark Materials"!). We ate at a "Sweet Tomatoes," one of Jan's favorite restaurants.

[Lila]

A boy at our church died this year. A couple weeks before his death, I was meeting with him and a few other people so we could discuss songs to play and sing on the youth group's retreat that winter. Before we even started discussing, we spent almost half an hour listening to him blab on about his day. It was really funny, but annoying. Soon enough we were pondering how to go about taping his mouth shut with scotch tape... or better yet, duct tape. So now whenever I see duct tape, or if someone won't shut up about something, I think of him. :p

[Copperfox]

I expect you're glad now that you DIDN'T ruthlessly silence your friend.

Similarly, there was a time early in my parents' marriage when my mother felt like saying something nasty to my father's father. She didn't say it, though; and she was grateful for this, because her father-in-law, the one grandparent I was never to meet, suddenly died very shortly afterward.

[Primsong]

Amen on that... Another reason to be sure we are repairing broken relationships and trying to set misunderstandings with others right, we never know when they might not be around anymore for that reconciliation. I am still grateful that I was on good terms with my dad before he passed, he struggled all his life with unresolved issues he had with his own parents that he never did 'fix' before they died and I saw how it affected him. So sad.

[Lady of the Lion's Mane]

I haven't really experienced death, yet, of someone really close to me.

But I've read through all the posts here...

for me right now, I am separated from my best and dearest friend. Only physically, mind you. But also communication-wise. It hurts so much. She constantly 'comes up' into my mind or memory in various ways.


I wonder...

would it help or only hurt more to know that 'good-bye' comes from 'God-be-with-ye [you]'?

It helps me. It is comforting. :)

[HugsForReepicheep]

I wonder...

would it help or only hurt more to know that 'good-bye' comes from 'God-be-with-ye [you]'?

It helps me. It is comforting. :)

I agree with you, that's a very comforting thought.

[Copperfox]

Janalee's with God, all right, but she sure isn't with me.

In these sleepless after-midnight hours, I took to reading something which I had dug out of a box during the day: a diary that Jan kept after she was fairly recovered from her 2001 car-crash injuries, but before I came into her life again (after long-ago acquaintance). It was eerily like hearing Jan speak out loud, for her writing included the same expressions she would use when talking, like her beloved "Yippee!" But the stirring of memories was more painful than soothing. The only comfort it brought was the reminder of the difference I had made for her: at the time of this diary, Jan was leading a terribly lonely and pointless existence, but when married to me she both enjoyed love and attention, and was able to be useful to others.

Even though I do have my eyes open for a possible third wife {*sounds of panicky stampede as overwhelming majority of women on Earth flee to find hiding places*}, I still miss Jan. So much. So much.

[bruiser]

Papa Joe.... I'd think you were weird if you didn't miss her.
We all do, but I know that the pain that you feel is so much more.

[Gives a long Gug... It'll be okay. Promise.]

ohdear. I'm starting to tear up.

[Copperfox]

Don't think I didn't notice that loving Gug, Amanda. And you have my permission to tear up some more when I mention that I frequently wear non-gender-specific items of Jan's, e.g. sweatshirts.

[Primsong]

I so understand... I have my dad's sandals (they fit me perfectly) and several of the aloha-shirts he had... I wear them as a layer over solid-color tops I have and the brightness and cheeriness of them remind me of him.
I remember my grandmother kept some of my grandfather's shirts and especially his favorite coat for a long time because they were scented of him.

[Copperfox]

Thank you, Primsong. And then there's cooking and eating with the dishes and pots and utensils that belonged to a departed loved one.

[Copperfox]

The last knitted gift Janalee made for me was a big scarf, almost of Doctor Who proportions. It's really warm. Colorado is beginning to get chilly; so yesterday, on my exercise walk, I wore that scarf hiking for the first time this season.

[gair]

After my brother died my mum got rid of absolutely everything belonging to him cos she couldn't bear to be reminded.
The only things that are left of him are the photos in the albums in the loft and weird memories that you can never say.
It's funny I haven't thought about him ages and then today just reminded me loads and loads. And it's not an anniversary or anything.

[Copperfox]

I can understand your mother's "erasing" reaction, because of something I've experienced. People have said to me, "It's okay, because you have HAPPY MEMORIES of your dead loved ones!"--to which the answer is, "But the happy memories only make me FEEL WORSE about what I've lost!" Your mother didn't want to be made to feel still worse, either. My keeping lots and lots of mementoes of my two dead wives IS NOT because the memories make me feel better; it is because (1) they have a RIGHT to have me remember them, and (2) I hope to tell their story to OTHERS.

[Lady of Narnia]

My brother keeps a hat of my grandfather's. Sometimes I sit and hug it and remember him. Almost everything I see reminds me of him.

[Copperfox]

If you can track it down, you should read or listen to an old, old song called "I'll Be Seeing You (In All The Old Familiar Places)."

[Lady of Narnia]

Okay. I'll see if I can find it.

[The Spanish Inquisition]

Saying Goodbye is one thing I hate. MIissing the person is harder than actually saying goodbye itself. But saying goodbye, knowing it's going to be a long time...
I moved two years ago...and there are some people I haven't seen since then. I've fallen out of contact with most of them...Sometimes I go back and read old emails that I can't bare to delete. Or I go back and read the notes we passed back and forth. It was worse when we first moved here. I'm fine now...but thinking about lost friendships is sad.
Like there was this girl...we were best friends for years. But she went to public school, and was wordly...I was a weirdo homeschooler....We lost contact even before I moved. She didn't call me back or anything....I wonder if she remembers me.

[Copperfox]

I grok you on this, Inquisition. For a long time, I have kept--and I still do keep most of--the e-mails written to me by someone who claimed to be madly in love with me and even unable to live without me, but who then changed her mind about all that as easily as changing purses. (Understand that this did not happen while I had a living wife!) I can't bear to look at her past claims of undying love, yet I can't bring myself to delete them either. I forgave her completely, but that doesn't make the memory less painful for me.

[bruiser]

SI - I'm sure that if she's anything like I am, she remembers you.

I have a notebook full of notes that Ken and I passed back and forth last year. When we stopped talking I was known to still carry them around in my booksack and everywhere that I went, reading them just for the memories. Just to remind myself.
I've gotten better over the summer though. I talk to him on the computer every once in a blue moon and I'm no longer living off of our memories.

Little goodbyes are always a good way of letting sadness pass and new things to come in. They are, in my opinion, a way to let go and move forward. When I say let go I don't mean to forget, but rather move on.

[Copperfox]

Well said, little sweetheart. And since the kind of love existing between you and me is not in competition with other affections, I can and will keep on loving you FOR ETERNITY TIMES GOOGOLPLEX! <3

[bruiser]

Sweetness. I couldn't ask for anything more. :] And I wouldn't want it any other way. Under the circumbstances.

[SongsofLife]

Okay. I'll see if I can find it.

Great song. Here you go, Lady of Narnia: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2AgdxJYP74

[Quentilian]

ive encountered literal death many-a-times. my step-great-grandfather, my great-uncle, my great-grandfather, a family friend's daughter, pets, and alot of emotional death (people moving away etc... didnt kno how else to put it) my favorite aunt divorcing my uncle and moving away, my best friend falling out of touch after her dad left her family in ruins, my other friend deciding i wasnt all that important and moving on, changing school, or teachers that i loved leavin me on my own. ive had a hard life, but its been easier than most. i never really said goodbye, but than again i dont think i ever needed to. yeah i loved these people but i love my God more and He will never leave me. it keeps me together through whatever pain comes my way. everything on earth is temporal, i am, you are, my friends, my pets, everything. everything dies, but theres reason for hope and a future and thats the grace of God, Jesus. He's the reason i never say goodbye, because i kno i dont have to say it to people i might yet see again. why linger when you have a purpose and a life to live? you might say because........... well i honestly dont kno what you may say but you have to remember that you're living for a reason why give that up when you can use the experience to steer you on to help those who go through the same things daily. i use the pain that i have gone through to help me be more loving to others, to give others hope for holding their head up, to keep the passion behind my actions and the motivation for what i need to do.

[Copperfox]

Quentilian, here's a good reason for lingering in this world: to make Jesus known to those who don't know Him.

[The Spanish Inquisition]

SI - I'm sure that if she's anything like I am, she remembers you.



I guess....I hope so.


There are some people I'd like to randomly e-mail again...but I don't. I guess because that part of my life is over now and I can't really go back. They're no longer a part of my life, and I've got no reason to really talk to them. I've got the old e-mails and notes in class. I laugh when I read them, but it's sort of a sad laugh, because I just know things aren't the same between us.

I've never had anyone I was really close to die. It's what I fear the most. I hate saying goodbye even for a year or two...I can't imagine how I'd react when someone dies. I just tell everyone I'm dying first, and hope I'm right.

[Copperfox]

All you can do is keep as up-to-date as possible on the relationships that matter; if you owe anyone an apology, deliver it NOW, not next month.

[Copperfox]

Happy 53rd birthday, Janalee. Happier for you, where you are now, than for me down here.


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